moon lit hill

good moms and dirty houses

2012-01-23T09:29:00.002-05:00

This post has been sitting, half finished in queue for almost 3 weeks. I vary between indifference, anger, sadness, annoyance. So I imagine this post will have all of that. I wasn't sure I was going to post it at all, but when I woke up with this on my mind this morning, I figured I would.
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I'm about to be a little judgey here. And then I'm going to omplain about people who judge. 'Cause thats how my mind works.

I've been seeing this posted all over the place.

I want to like it. I really do.

But I don't.

I totally, totally get the sentiment behind it. Your children are more important than a clean house. The dishes will wait while you show the child the rainbow and all that. Lovely thoughts.

Part of me feels like it's people just wanting to give themselves an excuse to be slobs. Yeah. That's the judgey part of this post.

Part of me feels like it's very similar to the real women have curves saying. I won't go off on a tangent about that - but it's along the same thing. You have to be curvy to be a REAL woman? Um, what? Yeah. You have to have a messy oven to be a good mom? Come again?

Look, I understand there will be days when the laundry waits while you nurse a growing baby. There will be days the dishes sit while you go enjoy some sunshine on a spur of the moment hike. There will be weeks all of you are sick and you spend time snuggling and reading and lazing instead of cleaning. I get it. There is life to be lived outside of cleaning a home.

I used to be one of those people. I did. Clutter didn't bother me. Messes didn't phase me. In fact, if you've known me any part of my life until the last couple of years - you know I was one of the messiest people out there. Then 3 or 4 years ago, a switch flipped. These things bother me now. And I'll tell ya, when I was working, one sure way to set me on edge was for there to be dishes in the sink when I walked through the door.

Here's the thing. It doesn't take much to do a quick clean up. I'm not saying you have to be Martha Stewart, but taking 20 minutes out of your day to straighten up makes a big difference. Just 20 minutes. (judgey).

I have found that I am a better mother when my house is tidy. I feel less flustered. Less crabby. More happy. A messy house makes me feel unsettled. Not calm. I get snappy.

Do I think my children care if the house is clean or not? Judging by their bedrooms, I guess not. But I also believe that they do better in a tidy house. They can find the things they need, like library books and art supplies and pants and socks. And I'm sure having a happy mama in a clean house helps.

If you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that housework and balance has always been an issue for me. I often feel like I can't do it all and I get cranky trying.

Having a new baby added into our family has certainly forced to me give up a few things. I'm embarrassed at the amount of laundry piled up right now. I've delegated the cleaning of the bathrooms to our 13 year old (which I'm sure you can imagine means that the bathrooms are not currently sparkling) and I turn a blind eye to the boys bedrooms more often than I'd like.

That is why I really want to like that saying. I'm certainly struggling here. I could use the 'permission' the have a dirty oven!

But I still can't get behind it.

I really just see it as another way to pit mothers against each other. If you stay home, you're worth less than someone who works. If you work, you chose career over family. If you formula feed you are giving your children poison. If you breastfeed you need to cover up. If you have a clean home you aren't spending enough time with your children. . . .

I wonder what a good dads house looks like?

one good thing 1/19

2012-01-20T08:50:00.001-05:00

one good thing 1/18

2012-01-18T22:09:00.001-05:00

one good thing 1/16

2012-01-17T07:50:00.000-05:00

It took me a long time, a very long time, to learn how to make bread. I love making it now and this winter I've been especially interested in trying new kinds. I find it very easy to do with a somewhat high needs baby, since most of the 'prep' work is leaving it alone!

snowy day jam cake

2012-01-16T08:30:00.000-05:00

Using up the preserves that sound so amazing in summer, isn't always as easy as I think it will be come winter. After a while all that spreading on toast and biscuits gets to be a bit boring. I always imagine while I sweat over a boiling stove in the middle of summer, how each jar will be like a slice of sunshine in the dreary days of winter.

And it usually is almost exactly like that. But sometimes, I want something a little more.

Which is how I happened upon jam cake. I wanted a coffee cake. But I also wanted to use a jar of sour cherry jam that had been hanging around very patiently in my pantry. I found this recipe over at framed cooks and figured I could easily adapt it to what I wanted.

While pulling out the ingredients, I remembered an open jar of black forest jam (which is cherry and chocolate) in the fridge. Um, perfect.

I wasn't sure I liked it at first. But then I had 3 pieces in about an hour (shhhh!)

I think the recipe could still use some tweaking. I'd definitely add a splash of vanilla or almond extract to the wet ingredients - and while I considered adding cinnamon to the topping this time, I didn't - and next time I definitely would.

Also, more jam. I used a full (1/2 pint) jar of sour cherry and 3/4 jar of black forest and they just didn't shine through the cake at all. It's yummy, for sure - but the cake overpowered the jam. I also made mine in an 8x8 dish, so a larger dish (thinner cake) would probably help.

I will absolutely make it again. In fact, I've already decided that next time I will use blueberry maple walnut conserve and blueberry jam - with extra cinnamon and sugar in the cake and cinnamon. sugar and crushed walnuts in the topping. I'm pretty sure it is going to be divine.

Jam Cake

2 cups whole wheat white flour
1/2 cup raw sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/3 cup butter
1 egg, beaten
3/4 cup milk (I used coconut- and now that I'm thinking of it I recall only using 1/3 cup milk . . .?)
1/2 cup sour cherry jam
1/2 cup black forest preserves.

Topping:

1/3 cup light brown sugar, firmly packed
3 tablespoons flour
2 tablespoons butter

1. Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Cut in butter to make fine crumbs (I used a processor)

2. Add egg and milk; stir just until dry ingredients are moistened.

3. Spoon batter into a generously buttered 8x8 square pan. Spoon both jams over the batter, then swirl through the batter with a knife. If I was to do the cherry and black forest mix again, I might add some powdered cocoa here too.

4. Mix topping ingredients until crumbly and sprinkle evenly over batter.

5. Bake at 400° for 25 to 30 minutes, until done. Tastes best warm.

um, it looks better than this is person. I took like 10 pictures and this is the best of the bunch :/

one good thing 1/14

2012-01-15T15:11:00.003-05:00

my 13 year old, and 7 month old - 11:16pm

Sometimes, the very best thing about a day, is the end of it.

one good thing 1/13

2012-01-14T08:28:00.003-05:00

in a new year effort to be more mindful of how I am living my life and to be more joyful with my life, I've decided to post one good thing a day. One good thing, everyday.

If you feel inspired to do the same (and I hope that you do!) please feel free to leave your good thing, or a link, in the comments below.

The snow finally came. We sat happily through November, while the ground stayed clear. A little disappointed through December as Christmas came and went with barely a flake. Then a week into January, with 50 degree days. Two weeks, the temperatures still delightful. Finally it came, blustering in on Friday the 13th.

The kids had their first snow day of the year. The first snow always makes this mama happy too. Feeling quite cozy inside I started planning what delicious things we could bake, what board games we could play, what movies we could cuddle up on the couch and watch.

Andrew had other plans. Plans that included a whole lot of whining and screeching. Insistence on being held all day long. Total resistance to any sort of sleep at all. Clearly tired, he kept on fighting it and fighting it.

This baby will never be described as a good sleeper. It's just not who he is. At almost 7 months, I can count on one had the number of times he has napped by himself (and not being held, in the car, stroller or wrap). This makes for a very exhausted mama and one who is finding herself very much in need of some baby free time.

But, what this mama needs and what this mama can do are sometimes very different things. My list of things I wanted to get done on the perfect snow day - well, didn't get done. Instead, mid day a very tired baby and a very cranky mama laid down to nap. The only way this baby was going to sleep was with someone. So for two and a half hours baby slept soundly and after a brief nap of my own (and still half pinned by sleeping baby) I thought about how much this little one can (and does!) teach me. Sometimes my idea of a lazy day (baking, board games, cleaning, reading, laundry) isn't lazy enough. Sometimes even though it's the last thing I want to do, maybe the first thing I need is to stop everything and just take a nap.

One good thing 1/12

2012-01-12T20:38:00.005-05:00

While washing dishes after dinner and thinking about the day; some good things and some not so good things, I realized that perhaps the best thing today was not something for me. My sister has had a little bit of turmoil in her life as of late, and she got some news today that helps just a little. There's still some things to be worked through, and this was only one piece of a much larger puzzle, but I think that I felt just as much relief as she did.

Things haven't been so easy for her lately, and I hope they are looking up. She deserves something good.

one good thing 1/11

2012-01-11T22:04:00.001-05:00

well, it didn't take me long to fall off that wagon!

I have good things, complete with pictures, for each day I missed. But I feel playing catch up defeats the purpose. A day or so behind - fine. More than that and it's time to move along. My goal was to use this as a way to reflect a little each day on the good in that day, not rack my brain matching up pictures and days, you know?

So, today.

one good thing 1/7

2012-01-08T10:14:00.000-05:00

A day sunny enough, and plenty warm enough, in January to hang laundry on the line.

one good thing 1/6

2012-01-08T10:10:00.004-05:00

a little boy who is so perfectly little boy.

one good thing 1/5

2012-01-06T08:12:00.000-05:00

in a new year effort to be more mindful of how I am living my life and to be more joyful with my life, I've decided to post one good thing a day. Oterine good thing, everyday.

If you feel inspired to do the same (and I hope that you do!) please feel free to leave your good thing, or a link, in the comments below.

It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. From the minute I rolled out of bed on the wrong side until the minute I fell asleep. It was just one of those days.

While falling asleep, I racked my brain to think of one good thing. Anything? There is something good in everyday, yeah?

Yeah.

Burger and fry night. Oh yes. It's become a twice monthly tradition. A plate full of bacon barbecue burgers and homemade fries. And the very best part is that my husband cooks it all.

I'd say that's a very good thing.

image from 8/12/11

one good thing 1/4

2012-01-05T09:31:00.002-05:00

not missing a thing.

I didn't have this opportunity with my older boys

I feel so lucky to have a supportive husband and such a supportive extended family, so that I can be here looking at his face all day.

one good thing 1/3

2012-01-03T21:12:00.000-05:00

woodie guthrie Nursery Days and garcia and grisman Not for Kids Onlyon the stereo

dancing with a baby boy in the kitchen

snow flurrying outside

beef stew simmering on the stove

today was a good day.

one good thing 1/2

2012-01-03T10:45:00.000-05:00

in a new year effort to be more mindful of how I am living my life and to be more joyful with my life, I've decided to post one good thing a day. One good thing, everyday.

If you feel inspired to do the same (and I hope that you do!) please feel free to leave your good thing, or a link, in the comments below.

photo from 12/26

For Christmas my husband and his father made this wooden mancala game for Colin. It's a game he has learned at school, and I had never heard of it.

It was a big hit over the holiday, but I hadn't had a chance to play until yesterday. I loved it! It's an addicting and fun game that is just as fun for the adults as it is for the kids. I love the new addition to our growing collection of homemade, wooden games as well.

holiday handmades (from us)

2012-01-02T10:25:00.000-05:00

I managed to squeak out almost everything i had planned for homemade gifts this year. A few things had to wait, but I'm pretty satisfied with what I managed to accomplish with a baby who hates to nap!

vanilla extract with family scrapbook cookbooks

vanilla labels here

For the kiddos - 4 ugly monster dolls

instructions here

pajama pants for all (a yearly tradition)

bath sets (all instructions found on pinterest, my gift board)

and a set of baby blocks for my baby and my niece. These were really fun, quick and easy to do - instructions here. You could make these look more professional and 'finished' by adding applique and using foam for the inside of the blocks, but for my purposes some simple flannel and stuffing did the trick just fine.

we also received some amazing homemade gifts from nana and from pop-pops workshop which I'll share soon as well.

I say it every year, but this year I really will start crafting before December. I'd love to have everything done to just enjoy the season and my family the week of Christmas, instead of rushing around and demanding wine and take out!

one good thing

2012-01-01T14:23:00.001-05:00

in a new year effort to be more mindful of how I am living my life and to be more joyful with my life, I've decided to post one good thing a day. One good thing, everyday.

I wavered between starting a new blog, like with 365, or just meshing it with this blog and I finally decided to post here. Being that I am not typically a daily blogger, I think it will work fine, just doubling up on posts some days.

If you feel inspired to do the same (and I hope that you do!) please feel free to leave your good thing, or a link, in the comments below.

1/1/12

This soup.

I was craving something warming, hearty and nourishing and this soup was perfect.

It also happens to be the perfect New Years day soup, containing black eyed peas and collared greens for luck and financial good fortune.

You can find the recipe over at Kalyn's Kitchen

For the picky boys, I also made Nana's French Onion Soup (inspired by this recipe)

:weekend scenes:

2011-12-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

what a wonderful holiday weekend filled with squishy baby cheeks, handmade toys and goodies, good food, wine, family and a little brother eager to keep up with his big brothers. It was lovely (even with no snow).

Hope your weekend was just as magical!

christmas countdown::satisfying soups::

2011-12-14T09:30:00.000-05:00

Clearly I am not in blogger mode, because I did not snap one picture of any sort of soupy goodness.

Also, this post has been sitting half finished in queue for close to a week. "I can only do what I can do" is being muttered by me several times a day. Sometimes as a gentle reminder, sometimes as a peaceful acknowledgement and sometimes in exasperation or despair. There are only so many hours in the day and so much money in the bank (both seeming even less this year, with adjusting to me being home and a new baby).

So, I can only do what I can do. Which means that several things are scratched off the list of things we wanted to give, only two cookies out of the couple dozen on my list have been made, multiple surfaces in my house are filled with various crafting items so I can move back and forth between what I have time for, dishes sit in the sink longer than I'd like, and easy dinners are a must.

A close friend of ours just had a baby last week, so we brought by some soup for dinner.

This was one of the first crockpot recipes I ever made, and it was an instant keeper. The cookbook I got it from was passed on long ago, but the recipe remains in heavy rotation during the fall and winter months.

Double Thick Potato Cheese Soup

2 lbs baking potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 inch cubes ( I didn't bother with peeling this last time and it was fine)
2 (10 3/4 ounce) cans condensed cream of mushroom soup (I use a make your own cream soup mix base and add it to sauteed mushrooms or celery, though the recipe does work best if you use at least one condensed can)
1 1/2 cups finely chopped green onions, divided
1 teaspoon garlic powder (I add more though)
1 dash ground red pepper
1 1/2 cups shredded sharp cheddar cheese (an 8 oz block works fine)
1 cup sour cream
1 cup milk
black pepper to taste

In crock pot combine potatoes, cream of mushroom, 1 cup of green onions and spices. Mix up well.

Cook on low 8 hours.

Add in cheese, sour cream and milk, stir until cheese melts.

Add the remaining green onions before serving.

We like this served with a nice thick crispy bread, usually a Wegmans bought garlic tuscan loaf.

Of course, no dairy for me. I needed a substitution. I wasn't expecting much with no cream and no cheese - but was very pleasantly surprised at how this turned out!

Dairy Free Potato Chowder

celery
onions
carrots
minced garlic
red pepper flakes
salt and pepper
chicken broth (2-3 cups or so)
2-3 baking potatoes
coconut milk
bacon grease or oil

Saute diced celery, onions, garlic and carrots in bacon grease. Add diced potatoes, pepper flakes and seasoning and cook about 5 minutes on high. Add chicken broth, bring to a boil Turn down heat, cover and let simmer about 20 minutes or until potatoes are soft.

Add coconut milk (about 1/4-1/2 cup)

Blend with an immersion blender until desired consistency (I pureed most everything, but you can leave some veggies whole)

Delicious and best of all easy!

{this moment}

2011-12-09T10:38:00.001-05:00

inspired by soulemama

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

christmas countdown::the goodies::

2011-12-07T08:24:00.001-05:00

We have yet to get started on any real Christmas baking, though I have outlined my list of, um 23 different things to make. Yeah. I should probably get moving on that.

So, it makes perfect sense that last night I decided to make something that was not on my list and that I had no real need to make - other than I decided I needed to make it.

Homemade dairy free "nutella". Oh, yeah.

It's adapted from the recipe in Cooking for Isaiah and can be found in it's entirety here: Silvanas Kitchen

I hear you can get already ready hazelnuts. I had nuts still in their shells, so cracking them all with a handheld nutcracker got sort of old and painful quickly. I ended up with about 1/2 cup nuts.

1/2 cup toasted hazelnuts (spread on baking sheet and toast at 350 for 8-10 minutes. Rub on towel to get skins off, most mine stayed on - I left them without a problem)
1/8 cup cocoa powder
just over 1/8 cup powdered sugar
1 tsp almond extract
1/8 tsp salt
3 tbs olive oil

In a food processor, grind the hazelnuts, scraping down the sides, until smooth, this took me about 45 seconds to a minute Add rest of the ingredients and process until combined, about 2 minutes. Taste and add more sugar or oil if desired. Refrigerate.

Now, I just need something to put this on, other than a spoon!

christmas countdown::deck the halls::

2011-12-06T08:44:00.001-05:00

We pulled up four boxes of Christmas decorations the other day. Four boxes. That's simply too many. With my bags project still going on (very slowly), I hope that the boxes that return will be cut by half (ok, maybe one small box allowed for lights).

I've already managed to get rid of one small shopping bag of decorations. The box that is still sitting unpacked in the living room is all ornaments and lights and odds and ends, so I hope to thin that out as well.

Many decorations have sat in those boxes year after year anyway. My tastes have changed a bit in the ten years since I started my own holiday collections. Out with the old and unused and in with the new (and handmade!)

You might recognize some of these pictures from two years ago. Our camera/external drive is still misbehaving, so this these were pulled from this blogs '09 post.

source

I prefer a simple, natural style. Some santa thrown in for good measure, but I'd like most of our decorations to invoke excitement and joy for the upcoming season, an appreciation of nature and the change around us, and things that will stay lovely and usable for most of the winter.

How simple and lovely to tuck some greenery into baskets or boxes.

source

This years decorations are still in progress. I have a couple of crafts planned for this week that I'll share with you soon, and the tree comes this weekend! It never quite feels like Christmas to me until the tree is up.

If I could knit with any sort of ease, these stockings would be mine.

source

I can't though, so I've been brainstorming some fabric ideas, with the baby - I think it's time for a family set of stockings

What is your holiday decorating style? Do you have one? Is it ever changing or traditional?

(this moment}

2011-12-02T07:30:00.001-05:00

inspired by soulemama

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Christmas Countdown!

2011-11-30T07:26:00.001-05:00

I tried, really I did.

I started brainstorming handmade Christmas ideas in August. Attempted to get going on them in September. Now here I am, December 1st and all I have are a few pieces of fabric cut out.

Somethings never change, huh?

A friend of mine has a friend who follows this little mantra for Christmas:

Something they want, something they need, something to wear, and something to read.

I love it. Love it.

We're sort of adopting it this year. It's perfect - especially with my decluttering attempts. No sense in bringing in unneeded things!

It's not as catchy or as simple, but I'm adding a couple of things in there.

Something they want, something to do, something they need, something to wear, something handmade and something to read.

Since Santa still comes here, we won't be down to just one of each thing, but we hope to keep it reasonably close.

elving in '09

For the first time in our home, the boys have been instructed to make something for each other, instead of buying. They've both come up with wonderful ideas and I'm pretty excited to see how it'll play out!

I plan on doing a couple of fun holiday/craft round ups in addition to handmade holiday posts - let the countdown begin!

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Tomorrow: deck the halls!
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2009

36 to go - eek!

2011-11-29T07:59:00.001-05:00

The bag project has been a little slow going, due to the holiday last week. More time spent out and about than in and bagging.

I've managed to get all of the 'comfortable' stuff packed up. The easy stuff. The surface clutter. Things that don't fit. Paper clutter. Old clothes.

Now it's time to dig deeper. To start getting uncomfortable. I have a couple of easy spots left. The basement (easily 5 bags), the crawl space (hello size 5's that I haven't worn in 8 years. Hello size 2's that haven't been worn in almost a decade! Oh, my.)

I do have two very large bags of kids clothes and 3 medium boxes of baby clothes that I'm not yet counting since they are still in the house. Can't count it until it's gone ('cause sometimes those things have a way of sticking around for quite a while).

I have a couple of overwhelming areas too. Namely, sewing stuff. I have a very hard time parting with craft items. I have much too much for the space in our home though. If I haven't used it in a couple of years, I won't be using it and it's time to go.

I feel like I should cull my cookbooks even further, but I've already gotten rid of a couple dozen (yes, couple dozen!) and I'm having a very hard time finding any that I am ok with letting go of. As I get closer to the end of this project, I may need to come back to them though.

funny, cause it's true

And board games. Our cabinet is full, full, full. And we're getting more. But I love the ones we have! We have weekly board game night, so these things get used. I may need to assess these more at the end. If I keep them all, then something else somewhere else has to go in it's place.

The house is feeling breathable again. I already feel like I'm cleaning less. Giving the cranky eye to less clutter. But it's just comfortable enough. I feel like it's teetering and one extra item will send it back spinning into clutter chaos.

What is lovely is that my oldest seems to have joined in, on his own. He spent last week working on his room and cleared out one bag of his own!

I think that with just a couple weeks to go, it's time to start some hot spots. I plan on doing these in parts, since they can be overwhelming and I'm attached to many of the things. My sewing area and the kitchen get started this week.

Have you been bagging up too? How's your progress?

on the fritz

2011-11-28T10:02:00.001-05:00

Computer is misbehaving, pictures are lost in a stuck drive and I'm recuperating!

I'll be back in a day or two with updates on bags and a handmade holiday 2011 countdown.

Hoping your holiday was wonderful and filling in many ways.
See you soon!

a week in gratitude:: day three

2011-11-22T08:42:00.001-05:00

Following along with Earth Mama this week in sharing just a little gratitude each day

today I am grateful for:

:dishes in the sink
:laundry in the hampers
:toys on the floor
:groceries to put away
:beds to be made
:diapers to change
:homework to check
:dinner to make
:wood to stack

because it means that we have so much. We have food to eat, and blankets to keep us warm. Toys to play with, books to read, clothes to wear. We are so very blessed.

“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.”
— William Arthur Ward

a week in gratitude:: day two

2011-11-22T08:33:00.001-05:00

Following along with Earth Mama this week in expressing a little gratitude each day

today I am grateful for

: wood and the fire that keeps us warm
: slippers knit by a nana who love us
: frost on the ground, but no snow yet
: a child who still believes in magic, and who lets us sprinkle magic just a little bit longer
: opportunities we have been given
: people who believe in us
: the generosity of others

“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.”

— Sarah Ban Breathnach

a week in gratitude:: day one

2011-11-21T08:57:00.001-05:00

I'm going to put on pause some of the posts I had planned for this week and instead join in with Earth Mamas week in gratitude

I am grateful for

: sweet baby smiles
: a teenager that still hugs his mama once in a while
: the spirit and energy of an eight year old boy
: time to enjoy the change of the seasons, of noticing the change in the crisp autumn air
: a good cup of coffee in the morning

“Gratitude should not be just a reaction to getting what you want, but an all-the-time gratitude, the kind where you notice the little things and where you constantly look for the good, even in unpleasant situations. Start bringing gratitude to your experiences, instead of waiting for a positive experience in order to feel grateful.”
— Marelisa Fábrega

and the winner is . . .

2011-11-16T18:33:00.001-05:00

The winner of both Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture andThe Rhythm of Family: Discovering a Sense of Wonder through the Seasons is . . .

findingquality with the comment: I love this picture with the hill and trees in the background. The only thing I miss about not going to work is my drive in the fall. I would drive past hills and cows just like this!

shoot me an e-mail at gardenofsimple.gos@gmail.com with your address and I'll send them on their way!

I hope you enjoy both of them as much as I have!

it ain't easy

2011-11-15T08:23:00.001-05:00

I always thought that if I wasn't working, I'd finally have all the time I needed to get everything done. I would stop feeling like I was barely keeping afloat each day and actually make progress.

Instead, I pretty much feel like I'm sinking everyday. Somehow there seems to be less time in everyday. Of course, I do happen to have a certain beautiful baby boy taking up a fair amount of my time.

sporting some new mama made pants

I still haven't quite embraced the art of letting go (of just a few things, each day). I'm starting to have faith that I'll get there though. I'm beginning to believe that it's simply an adjustment period and I'll get just where I want to be.

I'm not home just to keep a clean house, though that is certainly part of it. My goal in being home is to enrich our lives in non-monetary ways. To snuggle with babies who grow impossibly fast, to finally play that game of Stratego promised to an 8 year old (a year ago!), to guide a moody, confused, in-between childhood and adulthood teenager. To grow and preserve and cook food, because it's important to me. To create beautiful and useful things for our home and for our family. To, yes, keep a neat house - but more-so a happy, comfortable, cozy home. A home that we want to be in and that we look forward to coming back to.

I think as long as I can keep those end goals in mind, everything will be just fine.

Don't forget today is the last day to enter the giveaway - you have until mid-night tonight, and you can enter up to six times!

43 to go

2011-11-14T07:38:00.001-05:00

Off to a very slow start on my 47 bags project.

It's a bit overwhelming, honestly. This week I started on very small projects and cleared most of the paper clutter out of the house. Two brown bags full of paper, and two bags of books.

I've been feeling very crabby and I really don't know if it's the clutter, or the removal of the clutter that's making me cranky.

I'm stuck in a spot of being sentimental, of liking things - even those I have no use for. But I also get anxious around a lot of clutter and I definitely get cranky when I'm picking up the same things over and over and over - or washing clothes I know haven't been worn. That's absolutely a sign of too.much.stuff.

For the record, other peoples clutter rarely makes me cranky. I don't judge other peoples homes or their clutter usually. It's just the kind that I have to look at everyday that makes my eye twitchy.

You'd think that I'd feel refreshed after the weekend. I spent several hours out at a concert Friday evening, for the first time since the baby was born. I took some time to sew yesterday. I should be feeling relaxed and ready for the week.

But I'm not.

Part of me feels like I need to stay in today. To bag up more stuff. Clearly it's getting to me and I should push through it and be done with it and feel better, yeah?

I don't think I'm going to do that though. Because, following my attempt at being more mindful of how I'm living, I think what I really need is to get out of the house. To step out, step away and recharge some more. I'm pretty sure, if I'm being honest with myself and paying attention to what my body is telling me, spending a day inside cleaning is only going to make this cranky attitude worse.

I'm off to visit a friend for coffee. I'll do a little grocery shopping and I'm thinking I just might stop by a favorite used bookstore with a cup of coffee. Just for browsing, of course!

Are you following along on 47 bags? Working on your own piles of clutter? How are you doing? How does it make you feel?

Don't forget to enter the giveaway - just one more day to enter!

{this moment}

2011-11-11T08:36:00.001-05:00

inspired by soulemama

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

worth talking about

2011-11-09T09:31:00.002-05:00

I started blogging in part to help me take notice of all the little moments in life, the ones that have a way of getting buried in the busy-ness of each day.

Yet, yesterday I had nothing to say.

Today I was going to post on meal planning, but then I got to thinking - how is it I did nothing worth talking about yesterday? I did things after all - stacked wood, went for a walk, household chores, nursed a baby 1000 times - and then somehow the day was over ( when I tumbled into bed at 9pm totally drained!) and there was really nothing worth mentioning. How is that? What kind of life is it when you have entire days just go by and not one thing is "worth" sharing? Not the sort of life I want to be living, though I feel I often am.

There's nothing wrong with spending a lazy day, nothing wrong with talking about homemaking, or meal planning - I enjoy doing those things (usually) and enjoy talking about them. But I've fallen back into the bad habit of letting my days float by without noticing those little things - those moments worth remembering- or with getting so caught up in what has to be done that I rarely get done what I want to get done.

So today, I'm scrapping my to-do list. I'm grabbing my camera, and I'm headed into the woods to enjoy this gorgeous day with my gorgeous baby.

don't forget! 6 more days to enter the giveaway!

47 bags in 47 days

2011-11-07T08:39:00.000-05:00

We have too much stuff.

It kind of just sneaks on in. My love of thrift stores, old books and good deals, generous grandparents, school work and paperwork, 5 people and their veryimportantthings, saving odds and ends for future crafts, kitchen gadgets . . .

It's incredibly easy to end up with stuff just spilling out of everywhere.

And now that I am home all day I am noticing it more. And cleaning it more. And it's just got to go. In my efforts to be more mindful of how I live my life - unnecessary clutter is a huge problem.

There are 47 days until Christmas - at which point we will get more stuff (though we have, and our families have done an amazing job of paring down the last few years)

So my plan is to get 47 bags of stuff out of the house in 47 days (or less) it can be trashed, or donated or sold - but it has to be gone.

That sounds like a sickening amount, but I bet it adds up easy. I know of many hings hanging around our basement that we don't use or need. At the end it might be a little painful to get rid of some things, but I've got to be ruthless - if I don't love it or need it, it's gone.

I'm going to start easy this week and do the obvious things. Clothes and shoes that don't fit and surface clutter in each room.

I plan on posting progress each Monday. If you are inspired to do the same please comment or link to your blog in the comments, so we can support each other!

don't forget to enter the giveaway!

quote for the week

2011-11-06T07:49:00.004-05:00

Fewer and fewer Americans possess objects that have a patina, old furniture, grandparents' pots and pans, the used things, warm with generations of human touch, essential to a human landscape. Instead, we have our paper phantoms, transistorized landscapes. A featherweight portable museum. ~Susan Sontag

{this moment}

2011-11-04T07:45:00.000-04:00

mindfulness

2011-11-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

After yesterdays post - the ideas of balance and rhythm were bouncing around my head for the rest of the day. I was thinking of ways to best find these things - like a list of several things to do each day: fresh air, clean, etc . . .and while the thoughts tumbled around my head I realized that the more I tried to simplify these ideas, the more complicated they became. Should I have a day for meal planning? For mopping? I know at the very least I want to make the beds every day. If there is nothing else I get done, the beds should get made every morning because then no matter what the rest of the day brings, there will be an inviting, comforting, cozy place to retreat to at the end of the day.

Lots of great thoughts. Lots of great ideas. But that's the problem. Lots.

Maybe it's more simple than that. Maybe all I need to do is simply be mindful of how I want to live my life. Just spend a few minutes once a day, or twice, or as many times as needed - paying attention to how I'm living my life and how I want to be living my life. Are those two things in harmony?

Maybe if I just keep in mind the life I want, eventually that will be the life I have, as I slowly and naturally make the changes to get there.

I think that for everyone, it's easy to lose sight of the little everyday moments that make up a fulfilling life. I know for me, time online steals time from other areas of my life on a daily basis. If I'm really being mindful of how I want to spend my moments, my days, my life - online time will naturally be cut significantly. I'll spend less time cleaning if I simply stay mindful of unnecessary clutter in my life - get rid of the things we don't need or don't love and take the same approach to bringing things into our home.

So, instead of many tiny goals - I'm going to try and keep it simple and see if things won't balance out sort of on their own.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway!

balancing act (a giveaway)

2011-11-02T12:12:00.001-04:00

Before yesterday, it appears I haven't posted at all since August. Oops.

Since then, Colin has wrapped up soccer, Evan has finished his first year of cross country, Andrew has gotten huge (19.5 lbs and 27 1/2inches at 16 weeks!) aaaaaaaaaaaaand I quit my job.

I still can't really believe it. I don't feel unemployed yet. And I certainly don't feel the way I thought I would. I feel . . . lazy.

I was always searching for a way to find my rhythm before, almost certain that if only I didn't have to work I would find it. That often work was in the way of my real life. Yet here I am - 2 weeks into what I've always wanted - and I'm lost.

And it occurs to me that maybe it wasn't just rhythm that I was looking for, that I needed. But balance. Rhythm too, for sure - but balance first.

Balance in the things I do. The foods I eat. The way I spend the moments that seem to be moving ever quicker.

I've never been good at creating balance in my life. There is always one thing that wins out over the others - and one thing that loses. Like the fabric I bought for a quilt for Andrew about 10 months ago? Still sitting on the sewing table.

I don't know that finding balance in my life means all things need to be equal. Certainly an infant will take up a larger piece of the day, and rightfully should. But that means that other things will have to be adjusted too. Less canning. Less cleaning. Finding time for more crafting to keep mama feeling centered. Give and take, finding what works for each day.

I really thought I could do it all, once I wasn't working. I came pretty close while I was working. Clean house, homecooked meals and . . . that was it. Even on days I was doing the right dance, feeling calm and peaceful - it wasn't long before something was lacking. Something was pushed away for too long.

I'm always tempted to write lists. To make plans. To be organized. And I have been jotting a list down, every day. But learning that it's ok to cross things off that haven't been done. To add things that should be done, simply because they are enjoyable. And to learn to let go - let go of clutter, of unnecessary tasks, of things I can not control and of the guilt that I somehow always feel when I can't do it all.

One book I have been re-reading, along this line of though, is Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes. I loved the book when I first read it, long before the reality of staying home was anywhere near and I'm reading it today with a new perspective.

In celebration of me quitting my job (haha) I'm doing a giveaway of Radical Homemakers, as well as The Rhythm of Family by Amanda Blake Soule.

The giveaway will run until 11/15 - you'll receive one entry for every new post commented on from now until then, and one entry for every old post that is commented on - up to a total of 6 entries per person.

halloween

2011-11-01T13:43:00.003-04:00

Hope your All Hallows Eve was enchanted!

Head on over to Handy Hooker to see their amazing Halloween tradition!

finding normal

2011-08-25T07:48:00.000-04:00

We've tried really, really hard to keep this summer as normal as possible for the older boys. That's not always easy with a newborn in tow. Some days were definitely more successful than others!

I think we've done a fair job though, we've been to the beach, we've been for little hikes, we've been to the park and out to eat.

And last week we spent the week in the Adirondacks - something we've done for the last 2 summers now and probably will for many more to come.

We were able to take Andrew on his first (small) mountain hike and even to Enchanted Forest.

Of course since then, I've spent several days doing nothing but nursing (and a little bit of pulling my hair out!) So you take what you can, when you can (and hope that maybe you can even get some canning in!)

And the days that we did nothing at all? I think the kids are ok with it.

yes, i know his straps are loose!

It's been interesting finding our new normal this summer, and I'm looking forward to seeing what winter brings!

eight.

2011-08-24T10:21:00.000-04:00

how is it possible that it has been eight whole years since the day Colin was born?

Sometimes it seems they grow a year each time I blink!

Happy Birthday to Colin - my rough and tumble (not-so-little-anymore) boy!

the garden isn't growing

2011-08-18T07:42:00.000-04:00

but the compost is!

Total garden fail this year. I only planted 1/2 of the garden. Then it sat. And sat. And sat still some more. No weeding, no watering, no love at all.

Poor, sad, neglected garden

I finally ripped it out. Found a tomato plant that I didn't remember planting.

Cleaned it up a little and planted some spinach, lettuce, carrots and kale for the fall.

I noticed something growing in the compost a few weeks ago. Figured it was zucchini, but then as it got larger I saw the leaves were not zucchini leaves. So I waited, and let it grow.

When I checked last week, I found what appears to be a pumpkin!

I may not have done well with what I planted this year, but I'm not doing too bad with what I didn't plant!

And, I'm already planning next years garden. For when I don't have a brand new baby stealing all my gardening motivation!

'cause babies don't keep

2011-08-16T07:35:00.000-04:00

I sit here at 1:09am, with 35 minutes left on the stove timer as several jars of pasta sauce finish their processing.

I started this sauce at one in the afternoon. But baby had other plans. A lot of holding. A lot of nursing. A lot of crying. A lot of many things, but not sleeping. No napping, not today. Prince Fussypants finally wore himself out at half past midnight.

My kitchen is in shambles. The laundry is overflowing. The weeds are threatening a take over. And one of my carefully packed jars of pasta sauce shattered in the canner during the first batch.

So tonight I'm taking many deep breaths. Many sips of wine. And reading, and re-reading this poem as a reminder:

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I’ve grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew
And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo
But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren’t her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

my oldest with my youngest. how time flies.

finding the good.

2011-08-09T07:25:00.000-04:00

We have been 'blessed' with a slightly (ahem) fussy baby. He just really likes to be held, a lot. In very particular positions. While moving.

This can be just a tad exhausting.

And some days it's easy to be grumpy.

But summer is ending. And my extended maternity leave is also ending.

Finding the good, in everyday, is so very important right now.

Like, fresh flowers from the market.

Finding almond bites after having to go dairy free.

Napping.

Having older children who like to help, even with a fussy brother, and who love him very dearly.

Enjoying the 3 minutes of calm and peace we get a day.

Finally installing a window unit AC in our bedroom and sleeping in cold comfort during those very sticky evenings.

Drinking wine.mmmmm wine.

This.

Traditions. (My husbands band, Boots N Shorts, playing their 4th year at the Bluegrass Ramble Picnic)

Knowing that this fussy stage will only last a very little while, really. And being able to laugh and enjoy faces like this:

in my kitchen

2011-08-08T07:54:00.000-04:00

There is clutter.

And chaos.

But good clutter. And good chaos.

There is heat. Oh, it has been a hot summer!

And learning to can with a fussy baby (let me tell you how much fun that is!).

There is a friend to help (to help a lot! Thank you!)

We found it is so much more pleasant when you're working along with someone.

And at the end of the day - some lovely salsas, jams and pickles.

After the early summer jams, the more intensive (yet so rewarding!) work of late summer preserving has begun!

about a boy

2011-07-23T17:57:00.003-04:00

I spent months repeating the same phrase: "No, I'm not going to have him early. My babies don't come early. I just get huge. I have large babies". (Insert patient smile).

When I was pregnant with what is now my middle child, it started at 4 months. "No, I'm not having twins. No I'm not almost due, in fact I'm only about 4 months. No, I'm not having a pony, thanks."

This time it at least held out until about 6 months.

My due date was 7/2. And so I very confidently assumed I had until right around or on 7/2. Unlike me, my babies are fairly punctual. My oldest I went into labor a day late (and had him two days 'late'), my next was born exactly on his due date with labor beginning as soon as I woke up.

This was how I ended up in my kitchen the afternoon of 6/21 (having just gone out of work, "early" I thought, 4 days before) processing about 15 pounds of strawberries. I had bread batter behind me, strawberries waiting to be added, and jam just beginning to boil on the stove. The Husband was on the phone with a friend he hadn't seen in a while, making plans for a happy hour drink. Then it happened. I turned to add the strawberries to the batter when I felt a trickle. I dashed to the bathroom. Another trickle. And then the gush.

Yup. Right there, a week and a half 'early' in a kitchen that looked like a strawberry field exploded in it, my water broke.

Because I had my second child only 5 hours after my water broke, I called my midwife. I told her I had no contractions but that my water broke and she suggested I come on in. So we called the in laws. I cleaned up what I could in the kitchen, but it isn't easy when you feel like you're flooding your kitchen every time you move. We waited about 3 hours before heading into the hospital.

Here's where I tell you how I really, really, really wanted a homebirth - but for several reasons it just didn't work out. Which The Husband was just as happy with as he was maybe a little traumatized from the birth of my second child (10lbs 12 oz, shoulder dystocia). Of course, I insisted that was a fluke. I mean, what are the chances of another child being almost 11 lbs and also getting stuck. I think I can handle a home birth after pushin' out an 11 lb kid, yeah? Anyway, it didn't pan out so off to the hospital we went. With both my midwife and husband under strict instruction that there was to be no talk of induction, drugs or any other interventions. I was to labor how I wished with little interference.

So, on to the hospital. Where we paced and waited. Sat in the tub. Paced some more. Rocked. Paced. No contractions. Not a one. Ok. So he's in no rush to come out. Of course, now I can't go home, because my water is broke. I'm getting antsy. We sleep through the night. No contractions. I start to feel like my body is failing me.

At about 8am, I am not at all pushed into, but recommended to begin pitocin. I don't want pitocin. But, because the outcome of the birth is more important to me (holding him, rooming in, nursing immediately after) than the labor, my husband and I agree to give it a start. The closer I get to 24 hours after my water breaking - the closer they are going to want to watch me and the baby.

So we begin at the lowest dose, upping every half hour. An hour goes by - nothing. 3 hours. 5 hours. Nothing. Almost 8 hours into it, a light bulb goes off. I bet that he's posterior, like my second. I ask the nurse if that can delay/slow labor. Apparently it can. So I get to rocking some more. And instantly, I feel it all in my back - excruciating pain radiating down my tailbone. And then the contractions start. I walk. I get in the tub. The damn pitocin still going. The pitocin aided contractions are like nothing I have ever felt before. The pain is blinding. It is no where near what my previous labors felt like. It isn't long before I am a quivering, crying mess asking for narcotics. I know my limits, and I hit it.

I'm 5cm when the epidural doctor comes in. My husband steps up. No epidurals. But I'm the epidural doctor he says. No, we didn't consent to an epidural. I want something lighter. They suggest interfecal, which I have never heard of. It's more like a spinal shot instead of a spinal catheter. As we're discussing this, another contraction rips through me. I want the interfecal or anything NOW.

A soon as it hits, it's like a dream. I can feel it warming through my body. Relaxing limb by limb. I recall mumbling something about how wonderful it is and I don't know why I ever wanted to do this without drugs.

That was 7pm. By 8pm, I was fully dilated and ready to push. Only I refused to. I fought against it. My body was ready but my head was not. After the 4th contraction and urge to bear down, I did. I remember little else except the screaming. I know how ineffective that is. I know it goes against everything you are supposed to do. But I was irrational. I was primal. I was screaming with each push, and I couldn't control it. This lasted (I later found out) a mere 7 minutes. I also found out later that during that time, several doctors rushed in, included one for an emergency C- section, that one of the nurses couldn't handle it and tried leaving, that The Husband did in fact leave. I was also told later by the nurse who tried leaving that it was the scariest minute of her life. The minute during which this lovely boy also got stuck, just like the brother before him. Just like I said he wouldn't.

He came with a final scream/roar/agonizing push into the world - not quietly, not in my bed, in my home, with my husband at my side. But he came. All 10 pounds 7 ounces, 23 beautiful inches of him.

He was perfect and pink and healthy. He nursed almost right away (after a quick check) and stayed in my room until I went home, where he has stayed with me ever since.

It was not the birth I imagined. It is not the birth I wanted. But it is the birth I had, and I am not sorry. Maybe it was the birth meant for us. I do not regret the pitocin. I do not regret the pain relief. I do not regret a thing, because the very end result is what I wanted. A beautiful, healthy baby boy.

A lovely boy who just turned a month old already. He's wonderful in so very many ways, and we are all so very glad he's ours.

new.

2011-06-25T18:39:00.000-04:00

It has been a long, long while.

I've said it before, but I really hope to be back in this space more regularly soon.

Just as soon as we get settled into life with this little guy

This picture cracks me up because of the older boys faces. So typical.

Welcome to the world, Andrew Roland. Born 6/22/11 at 8:07 pm weighing 10 lbs 7.2 oz and measuring 22 3/4 inches.

quote for the week (!)

2011-04-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

I'm still here! I know I've been awfully quiet as of late. I've had a tremendously stressful couple of weeks.

Some days I feel like I need to remind myself that it's ok that all I did was 'just breathe' for the day. Other days I feel like I need to tell myself that that is all I should do for the day!

I wanted to come back to this space and tell you how wonderfully things were going. How I've gotten my rhythm back. How I've been crafting and cleaning and cooking and delighting in every day life. But that's not entirely true. There have been moments of that, close to full days of that - but mostly I'm still just working on getting by.

I've wanted to come here - for many, many reasons. To force myself to reconnect, to pay attention, to take it slow, to savor it, to capture it, to write it down.

Some days I have so much to say that the very thought of coming here to get it out is exhausting. Other days I have less than nothing to say. Or things that are so dreary that I wouldn't want to write about them anyway.

I know this is nothing new, but my plan (haha) is to come back to this space more. This week. Even if it's just with snapshots, because honestly, I'm tired of my days blurring together. Work, sleep, cook, kids, work, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah.

But enough about blah, blah, blah. Overall, I am doing well. Exhausted. But mostly well. The baby is growing. I am certainly growing! Spring is coming. There is so much goodness right around the corner.

I am so ready for it. See you soon!

Spring quote for the week

2011-03-20T18:53:00.000-04:00

"March bustles in on windy feet
And sweeps my doorstep and my street.
She washes and cleans with pounding rains,
Scrubbing the earth of winter stains.
She shakes the grime from carpet green
Till naught but fresh new blades are seen.
Then, house in order, all neat as a pin,
She ushers gentle springtime in."
- Susan Reiner, Spring Cleaning

Happy Spring!
I would love to be able to say to you that I've been away because I've been oh, so busy. That I've been reading books and knitting washclothes. Sewing baby blankets, baking goodies, planting seeds. That I've been dusting away cobwebs and taking walks and basking in the short, sweet bursts of sunshine that we get.

But I haven't. I've been wasting away time online. Playing games. Taking naps. Running never ending errands. Being still.

I haven't been here, because I haven't been doing much and quite honestly, I have nothing to say.

I've been hibernating. I keep trying to change that. I keep setting goals and making plans and writing lists. But then, most often, I just sit.

I'm going to just go with it. Do what I can, when I can. These are the last few weeks of quiet and nothingness I will have for quite a long while.

I'll be in and out of here still. Hopefully more in than out as the weeks go on. There are things to do - seeds to start, diets that are changing, projects to be done. But I'm not going to rush them along. When I do finally start moving again, I imagine that the words will start moving here as well.

Until then, enjoy the spring winds, rain and those increasing bursts of sunshine!

In like a lion

2011-03-09T20:46:00.000-05:00

Lets hope the saying holds true and March goes out like a lamb!

All four of us ended up with a snow day from school and work Monday, and we spent the afternoon digging out (and then enjoying our 'free' day off!)

I wish I could say this was snow drifts, but it only got deeper as you got to the driveway. Hello winter. I really shouldn't complain, while the rest of the country was getting pounded, we enjoyed a milder than normal winter. But even after all these years in Central New York, even though I should be used to it - snow in March isn't always easy to handle. Of course, the snow on Mothers Day last year was worse. I guess I should be thankful it's only March!!

Kitty wasn't going to let a little snow stop her from getting out! It actually wasn't a ton of snow, not more than we've seen before. It was that it all fell in about 24 hours. And it was wet, heavy snow.

Which meant my husband did most of the shoveling!

If we didn't have the gravel driveway, we would have shoveled the car out and driven to get a snowblower!

I stayed inside and made yummy brownie cookies!

Snow Day Brownie Cookies

1/2 cup butter
4 unsweetened chocolate baking squares, chopped
3 cups semisweet chocolate morsels, divided
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 large eggs
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1. Combine butter, unsweetened chocolate, and 1 1⁄2 cups chocolate morsels in a large heavy saucepan. Cook over low heat, stirring constantly, until butter and chocolate melt. Let chocolate cool completely, about 1/2 hour.
2. Combine flour, baking powder, and salt; set aside.
3. Beat eggs, sugar, and vanilla at medium speed with an electric mixer. Gradually add flour mixture to egg mixture, beating well. Add chocolate mixture; beat well. Stir in remaining 1 1⁄2 cups chocolate morsels and pecans.
4. Drop dough by 2 tablespoonfuls 1 inch apart onto parchment paper-lined baking sheets.
5. Bake at 350° for 10 minutes. Cool slightly on baking sheets; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

quote for the week

2011-03-06T20:44:00.000-05:00

I haven't done this nearly enough since I quit smoking. . .

making changes

2011-03-02T19:59:00.000-05:00

I'm itching to make some changes. I don't know if it's the Spring coming and the urge to clean out and rearrange and brighten up now that winter's ending - or if it's 'nesting' starting to kick in. I don't think it's nesting so much actually, because even though I like thinking of all the ideas, I'm still lacking the motivation to do a lot of them!

My current kick is repainting. Because of all the wood, our house can look dark. We're still working on figuring out lighting, but I think that lightening some of the paint will help too. I actually love the wall color, but it's just not working.

Here's the current paint chips I have up. Yes, they all look pretty much the same. And I don't think I love any of them. I'm planning on painting just the top part of the wall the lighter color. Though the past couple of days I've been a little obsessed with the idea of DIY board and batten. We'll see.

Here's our living room (see, lots of wood).

Most of the furniture in there was left to us by the previous owners. It's all gorgeous, either Ethan Allen, Stickly or handmade. And I love everything. But because we didn't put it there, it still doesn't feel like us. It needs a little bit more of our personality. We'll probably replace the couch in the next year or two. And the TV. And the entertainment center. We need a bigger couch for all of us to comfortably snuggle and a flatter TV to fit the bigger couch. So, we'll have to make due for a couple of years still. Seating is a huge problem in there though, not for visiting, just for movie night.

I know you want to see our couch. This is one thing we did buy - and the first real live adult piece of furniture my husband and I bought together.

It's kind of a mess, there's laundry on the chair and Christmas stuff behind the chair waiting to be put away. And a Christmas package still waiting to be mailed. Oops. Oh, and my 12 year old broke my brand new (last year) vacuum that I looooooved so now my floors are dirty cause I haven't replaced it yet. But actually, this is clean compared to the kids living room. Ick.

Anyway.

I painted our back door and window a couple weeks ago. Sorry no pictures.It's better that way, trust me. Here's a before picture sort of (it's the best I could find right now that showed the color well enough!)

They were dark red. A lovely red. But too dark with the dark wood. So I painted them what should have been a nice light Spring Sage. Instead it looks like mint sea foam nightmare. I have yet to fix that.

I also hate the laundry room re-do I did last year. But that's another post.

What about you? Do you start wanting to make changes to your home when the seasons change?

winters reveal

2011-03-01T20:16:00.000-05:00

The snow has been melting quite a bit the last few days. I never really love this time of year. While I love the idea of what's to come, it's just not always pretty after a long, cold, snowy winter.

I love how our wood looks stacked against the house in the fall.

In the early Spring, not so much. This is technically our side entry, but because of how the driveway is we use it as our main entry. So everyone who comes to our house (including the mail person who has now delivered the same book twice - from two different places, ordered on the same day! Oops, pregnancy brain!) Anyway, this is what they see.

It's not so cute. Around the front door there are recyclables that fell out of the bin and got buried by the snow. Shovels and brooms falling all over. Wood scattered across the whole side of the house.

We're going to have a bit of spring cleaning to do, inside AND out!

making progress

2011-02-28T07:43:00.001-05:00

I'm going on 23 weeks already. That would seem like it was going much quicker if I could sleep! The hip pain has set in already and it's making for some long nights!

In other areas I've finally started making some progress too. Very, very slowly. It's there though. Laundry is almost caught up. House is passable for clean (just don't look too close!), I'm cooking regularly again and even picked up the knitting needles for the first time since before Christmas last night. I still haven't found this new rhythm, but it's getting there. I'll probably hit it just in time to have the baby and start all over!

One thing I need to get back into is picking up my camera. Last year I was finally in the habit of carrying it and documenting the everyday moments instead of just the big ones. And now? Yeah, no. I haven't taken a picture since Disney. So for at least this week (um, starting tomorrow?) I plan on taking at least ONE picture a day. I really enjoy when I'm doing that. I seem to notice and feel grateful for so much more. It does add an element of awareness and beauty to everyday. I'm no photographer, I just have a several year old point and shoot but the point isn't perfection.

So, my picture today will still be one of progress, just not from today! Progress in growing a baby, and maybe a little progress in raising a not always happy or affectionate soon to be teen.

planning spring.

2011-02-23T18:51:00.000-05:00

The day we got back from our sunny vacation, I sat down and ordered our seeds for this year. Even though it's only something I've been doing for 2 seasons now, I love the thought of warmth and growth when we're nearing the end of a long, cold, dark winter.

This winter seems to have been especially cold. Not much snow for us, surprisingly. Seems like the rest of the country got what we are normally 'blessed' with. I've mentioned my pregnancy induced procrastination, fatigue, and lack of motivation. In some ways I guess it's good this hit me through the winter when I feel just a little less guilty hibernating and cozying at home. Yet I also feel I wasn't able to embrace the season as much. I've stopped counting the little things. I've barely taken any pictures. I haven't gone on my daily morning walk to watch the season unfold and change. As I type this I hear the birds beginning to chirp outside my window and it reminds me that last year, I heard the change and return of those birds during my walks through the winter woods and not through the glass separating me from that world.

well, I did get out at least once!

But it is what it is. And as this winter starts winding towards the end of the season I am finding hope and comfort and joy in the thoughts of the upcoming Spring. I am feeling a burst of energy and excitement at the feel of sunshine and at working in the gardens and smelling the earth. I feel like I'm starting to wake up. And even though there are still several weeks of cold and wind and snow - I can see and hear and feel the change coming. It all begins with the planning of Spring..

quote for the week

2011-02-20T19:42:00.000-05:00

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.
~ Walt Disney

We spent the last week at Disney. It's not someplace I thought we'd ever take the kids, but we did and they loved it. We all loved it - it was a wonderful winter reprieve from our NY snow and cold.

Now it's back to home and work and planning for the spring and for a baby!

A revolution rant.

2011-02-09T10:32:00.000-05:00

If you've been following this rambling, sporadic blog of mine for any length of time - you know that self sustainability (or learning how to be!) and real food are pretty big passions of mine.

You know how I began on this journey. You know that I still have a lot further that I would like to go.

You know that I am not naive to the hardships that some people face when it comes to getting fresh, real food.

You know that I don't expect everyone to do it all. That I don't even do it all.

This is not a new topic, to me or to this blog. But it's still one that gets me going. I've recently been discussing in an online group these very things.

I made the assertion that most families don't need two incomes. I didn't say that was true of all families. I didn't say families don't want to two incomes. I didn't say that they don't think they need two incomes. Just that most families don't need two incomes.

Apparently that offends some people. I've been told that I don't know what it's like to live in poverty. That I am lucky that I am where I am. That people don't have time to do these things because they work 2 and 3 jobs. That my ideas are not realistic.

1) I do know what it's like to live in poverty. I've lived in it before. And while I'm currently living pretty well - I still earn below the poverty line.

2) It may be true that I am lucky I am where I am. I was born white in a middle class neighborhood. Though, I was born to parents who did grow up in poverty and for my first two years I lived with my single mother in an efficiency with no stove. I am lucky that I was afforded opportunities that other people weren't. I could keep my child when I got pregnant at 17 and still finish high school. My father bought my first car for me for 1000 dollars. My parents and my husbands parents are very generous with their time and assistance, so we've had a great support system.

So, have I been 'lucky'? Sure. But I've also worked very hard to get where I am. I struggled to put myself through college, raising a toddler and working a minimum wage job. When we had to cut costs and couldn't pull any more money from our bills - that's when I turned to food and cooking and eventually self sustainability. I had no one to look to. I learned on my own, through the internet, through the library.
It's been implied to me that self education a luxury that some people don't have. Maybe it's more that it's a luxury they don't realize they have.

3) Maybe the reason people don't have the time to do these things is because they are working 2-3 jobs. There is something very, very wrong with our society if you have to work 2-3 jobs and still can't pay your basic bills. And maybe part of what is wrong with our society is working to pay other people for everything that you do and own and eat.

4) I think my ideas are realistic. For myself, I want more. I want probably 75% self sustainability. I know we won't own cows or pigs (at least not for dozens of more years). But as I've outlined in other posts there are simple, easy ways to make changes. You don't have to go for full self sufficiency to make a difference in your life and in your pocket book.

I know I've used words like radical and revolution before - and to an extent that is all true. But why? Why is growing your own food seen as something that people simply can not do? That it's too hard. That it's too radical.

And why sit there and list excuse after excuse on why people simply can not make those changes - when there are already people out there doing it? And I don't just mean 'bored housewives' in middle class suburbs. I mean people like me. People that live in inner cities and work in community gardens or strive towards fresh food initiatives. People who window farm. College students who plant mini gardens outside their apartments, knowing they'll abandon them in early summer.

And why is it so shocking and so offensive that I suggest those people choose to work more instead of do more? Are there some people who truly have no out - no resources - no other way to make a difference than to work 2 or 3 jobs? Absolutely. But there are just as many (more!) people who work those jobs to support a lifestyle they can't afford. They are either unwilling to give up the conveniences that money affords (whether those conveniences are a second car, a vacation home or simply buying your lettuce at the grocery store) or they are unsure of how to make the changes.

We live in a culture where this knowledge is not passed down from generation to generation anymore. I really believe some people just don't know there is a different way and if they do know maybe they don't know where to start.

So what is so wrong with stating that there are other choices, there are other ways? You may not want to live that way. You may not want to make those sacrifices, but it doesn't mean that that life is not a valid or available choice.

Why is it that going to work for 10 hours a day to earn the money to buy your food is seen as a viable and good life choice, but staying home to grow the food is seen as unrealistic or stupid or naive?

I just really don't understand the hostility towards those ideas. I don't understand the insistence that it can't be done, I don't understand how our culture has become one that has to rely on someone else for everything else - right down to what we eat.

whew.

A SAD return.

2011-02-07T12:30:00.000-05:00

I'm currently reading Simple Food for Busy Families. I'm about half way through it. It's a pretty common sense book for anyone who has spent any sort of time already researching whole foods and diet and nutrition. Yet, I still like it. It breaks things down in a very simple, easy to understand way. And even though I already know much of the information, it's really been a fabulous refresher course.

And a SAD awakening. Although I've seen it happening, although I'm the one who's most in control of our diet and food purchases and preparations - and even though I sort of pride myself on eating a mostly whole foods diet - the truth is, we haven't been.

Slowly but surely over the last several months, we have become a typical family eating a Standard American Diet.

As I was reading the list of Imbalances Caused by the SAD Lifestyle - I found myself check off almost all of them for myself, and many of them for my children and husband. Well, crap.

Now I of course have a million reasons why. Pregnancy induced laziness (haha), pregnancy food aversions, exhaustion from working long days - now coupled with my husband student teaching and working just as long days, the winter blahs, lack of fresh foods. This list of all very good and very valid excuses could go on and on.

And if someone like me, who does usually strive for a whole, local, fresh foods approach can slip this badly - is it any surprise that so many busy American families end up reaching for a frozen or fast food meal for so much of their nourishment? The truth is that it's quick, easy, and as much as I hate to admit it - tastes darn good!

That list of excuses is not good enough. The reasons that I, along with so many other families, reach for processed foods is not good enough.

We deserve better. Our children deserve better. Now, more than before I need to be eating better as I am the sole source of nourishment for this fetus. I don't imagine babies thrive on a steady diet of soda and sour patch kids (my currant addictions).

So why in the world am I craving these foods when they have no nutritional value? When I haven't indulged in these foods in years? I don't know. I have no idea what my body could be needing that's leading me to crave french fries. Sodium? What I do know, is the more I indulge in these foods - the more I want them. And that's the tricky part of a SAD lifestyle. Breaking the cycle.

Making that especially difficult right now, is the fact that it's February in New York. Which means even at our local farmers market - the offerings are slim. Stored potatoes and apples pretty much sums up what is available in way of fruits and veggies. I have a few packages of frozen corn, peppers and zucchini left from last summer and quite a few berries hidden in the freezer.

My mind is already on April and asparagus. But, the rest of me is still here in the middle of winter. Realizing a few weeks ago that we were on a roller-coaster of bad diet choices - I bought some lettuce at the big grocery from who knows where. No one ate it. Who wants a salad in February? I know we should be having salad but there's a reason our bodies want heavier foods - soups, stews, casseroles.

I guess the answer here is to try and eat as naturally and seasonally as possible, even in the dead of winter. Use what is stored. Oats, grains, canned sauces and frozen fruits. I can still get fresh dairy and meat at the market.

There's no reason to turn to frozen store bought pizza and Doritos just because it's hard to get excited about food in the middle of winter.

By now everyone (at least in my family) is sick of heavy foods. Even though our big grocery offers anything you could want ("fresh strawberries"?!) it doesn't mean that we should be eating them. And they're never as good as June strawberries - or even the ones pulled from the back of the deep freeze and added to some yogurt.

I guess the trick here is to keep plugging along. Stop making excuses to eat out. Stop coming up with the cash to let the kids buy lunch. Start listening to your body. Even if you're stuck in a sort of limbo between craving fresh vegetables and turning your nose up at bland grocery vegetables, realize this is the end - Spring is coming. So keep on moving on. Find new soups to make. Bake a fresh loaf of bread.

There are still so many nourishing foods we can eat, even in a cold New York winter. Stop fretting about your kids vegetable intake. Sometimes eating seasonally and locally means that your body doesn't get everything all the time. Do the best you can and trust that in a few short months you'll be stuffed to the brim with fresh, vibrant, full of life vegetables in fruits.

And stop buying sour patch kids!

Pizza Rolls

2011-01-31T17:22:00.000-05:00

It was a loooong week last week. My sister and her baby ended up having some complications that required a longer hospital stay. Then we had her shower on the Saturday after the baby was born (oops!).

I had a particularly bad weekend, part of which was me somehow getting the van stuck sideways, at the bottom of my driveway, in a snowbank - twice.

Things seem to be getting back to semi-normal now and even though I'm still battling some pregnancy fatigue I am feeling pretty well for the most part. I'm hoping to take advantage of this second trimester reprieve before the weight and exhaustion of the third trimester hits!

Aaaand I've been cooking again! yay! Well, sometimes anyway.

Not in the mood for a regular pizza we decided to try a variation and do a sort of pizza roll type dinner.

We used our favorite no fail bread dough (Suzanne McMinn's Grandmother Bread).

Once the dough has gone through it's first rise - we punch it down and shape into two balls and let go through the second rise. Then, roll it out into a rectangle (or best you can) fill it with deliciousness.

We did a spinach, broccoli, pesto, garlic and ricotta filling (with mozzarella) and a ground beef, onion and cheddar cheese filling.

So, spread your filling around your dough. Then let your husband take over, haha. Mine did. Something about eggs and sealing it. Basically he whisked some eggs in a bowl, folded the dough over it's self in half and around. Just seal it the best you can! He used egg on the non-filling side to help seal it together. Brush egg over the top and slice a couple of vent slits in the top.

Bake at 450 till browned. We did ours about 23 minutes and they could have used maybe another 10. They were starting to brown, so we pulled them - but the leftovers were way better (and less soggy-ish).

Nom, nom, nom. These also froze really well. I'm thinking about making several more variations to stock the freezer. But maybe in single serving size instead of giant rolls? Oh, so many options!

quote for the week

2011-01-30T15:00:00.000-05:00

I need to concentrate on these words this week. And next week. The week after too. And on and on.
My house, my life is driving me crazy lately. Too.much.clutter. Too many things in our space and in my head and filling my days. It's time to bare bones it.
We need to make room for the new baby. For the things we love. For ourselves. For breathing.

I really do (for real!) plan on coming to this space more. I've been spending too much useless time online. Playing games, chatting. These things are good (for me) in small doses, but sometimes they begin to take over way too much of my very precious time. I'm restricting my internet time starting this week, allowing myself a few minutes each day to touch base with people, to check blogs (because honestly, they are a wonderful way to start my day) to write in my own blog (to get a check on where I am, where I'm going). And that's it. Slow down on the mindless TV and internetting.
I've finally got most of my energy back, but very little motivation. I think I'm going to have to slowly force the motivation to return, and I can't very well do that while I'm wasting so much time accomplishing nothing.

Household decluttering starts this week too. In the most painful place. My books. Ouch. I just ordered several new ones - it's time to let go of the ones I don't love (and don't use!) to make room for more relevant and needed ones.

I don't know if it's nesting already kicking in, the urge for some early spring cleaning or my frustration at my total lack of motivation and progress. But I am ready for change. Now.

i have got a sister

2011-01-18T22:59:00.000-05:00

I was going to post yesterday about delicious pizza rolls. But instead I spent 15 hours with my sister.

While she did this.

And this

And we welcomed this sweet little one into the world.

"Well I have got a sister, and she has got a baby with brand new eyes"

quote for the week.

2011-01-16T12:51:00.000-05:00

"Procrastination isn't the problem. It's the solution. It's the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. "
- Ellen DeGeneres

I like this view of it! This pregnancy is kicking my butt. I thought once I hit 12 weeks I'd be normal feeling again - ha!

Though I might quite well be stuck in a cycle now of: I wasn't eating well or exercising because I was sick and tired. And now I feel sick and tired because I haven't been eating well or exercising.

I keep thinking that I'll come back to this space, you know, tomorrow. Then of course it's tomorrow and tomorrow again - and again.

Quite honestly, I haven't been doing much at all. We did go to NYC to visit my sister in law just after Christmas for a couple of days (and got an inside tour of the google offices - amazing!).

I was in bed by 9pm, go me! That seems to be my new routine. Only now I'm back working until 9 so we'll see how this goes! On NYE I was exhausted. I figured it was pregnancy and the trip home from NYC that morning. We had some friends over but just bummed around, low key. Didn't follow up on any of the hoped to be traditions from last year. Tree still hasn't been burned. Achievements and goals are still undocumented. Well, there's always next year. Turns out though - that my exhaustion that night was the beginning of a nasty head cold that almost 3 weeks later I'm just getting over.

Good news is I've been able to get up and cleaning a little bit. Cleaned our room, and almost caught back up on laundry. Gave the kitchen a good scrubbing. I've even been cooking a little again.

So really, there hasn't been much to post about here. My life is pretty slow. Pretty quiet right now. I'm still working on not feeling guilty about it. Though I do think that quote is true. Like I said a few weeks ago (and I'm still trying to convince myself!) maybe it's a good thing. Clearly, my body needs the rest. Maybe my mind needs the rest. It's not like I've been utilizing all this down time reading books or anything that might be a little productive.

However, I don't want this to turn into another 6 months of lazing about. I can rest and still be productive. Maybe I can't get done all the things I did before but I can do somethings.

So. You all know how well I do at setting and keeping goals (stop laughing). I think I'm going to set itty bitty tiny goals for myself week by week. Little goals. And maybe I'll surprise myself and want to do more.

This week:
While I'm feeling lazy: pick up the darn knitting!, meal plan for next week
While I'm feeling motivated: do a load of laundry, vacuum, do at least one make-ahead cooking for the lazy days.

See. Tiny goals. Notice I didn't say make progress on knitting. Or do all the laundry. Itty bitty.

And maybe I'll even see you again tomorrow! Happy Sunday!

quote for the week

2010-12-27T17:51:00.000-05:00

Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance - a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved.
~Augusta E. Rundel

It was a bit of a different Christmas this year. Because of my first trimester sickness and laziness, there were quite a few things that got left undone. A lot more sleeping and a lot less creating and celebrating. I was feeling a little blue over the things that got left undone and unmade. Over the things that didn't work out - like every cookie we made that ended up burned or crumbled or stuck to the pan. Over the traditions that had to be changed this year, for various reasons.

But somehow no one noticed the things left undone. So we ate a few less cookies. The floors went unmopped and the laundry hasn't been put away. It still all came together, beautifully. Quietly. Blissfully.

It was a lesson in letting go - and one I suppose I need to get used to over the next few months. It's been a long time since there has been a newborn in the house but I'm pretty sure that there will be many, many things left undone over the next year.

So even with me just getting over my first trimester symptoms, The Husband recovering from knee surgery, my youngest sick with a stomach bug for the last several days and my oldest leaving this afternoon for a week with his fathers side of the family out of state - well, it's not quite what was in my Christmas dreams. Though it was beautiful all the same and I'm sure this Christmas will weave it's way into some of our favorite family memories too. Hours and hours spent playing new board games, and wrapped in the love and warmth of new quilts from Nana.

quote for the week (and something new!)

2010-12-20T21:47:00.002-05:00

What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace.

~Agnes M. Pahro

This holiday season has been a little different than the last few. In some ways it's been crazier, in some ways it's been slower. A lot of things are going undone and some traditions have been put on hold.

Other traditions like cutting our tree down on the coldest snowiest day of the year, seem to still be in place. It was cold. Really cold. And there was at least a half dozen times I stepped into a surprise mound of snow that swallowed me up to my waist and I had to roll out of.

I am definitely feeling some tenderness and nostalgia for past holidays. I feel like I've been sort of limping through this holiday season. And I have.

I mentioned a bit ago that I've been napping more. Letting some things go (like the dishes and the laundry!) I've been spending a lot of time away from this space while I slow down.

And I've also been spending a lot of time planning and hoping for the future.

Baby number three will be joining our family right around July 2nd 2011!

And now that my first trimester is coming to a close, I plan on spending much more time back in this space very soon!

Merry Christmas!

handmade holidays: gifts for babies and young kids

2010-12-06T10:00:00.000-05:00

Note: This has been sitting in my qeue since 11/9 :/

I haven't done much of anything since then. I'm not just ignoring my blog, I'm ignoring a lot of things.

I was going to add to this, but maybe I'll just do a part 2. Maybe not. But if I don't post this now, at the rate I've been moving Christmas will be over before I get around to posting it!

*~*~~*~*~

Tell me these aren't the cutest darn things you've ever seen? I really need to get moving on this learning to knit thing!!

baby monster pants!

no tutorial, but still a stinkin' cute idea over at Barefoot Witch: a stuffed triceratops!

Make a baby hooded towel and washcloth following this tutorial

image source

Easy baby blanket - knitted project

Hooded Baby Sling

Soft Baby Blocks

If you head on over to MarthaStewart.com you'll find 34 wonderful ideas! I'm loving the Felted Stuffed Animals, the Animal Nightlight, this fantastic Artists Organizer (I've seen the pencil holders before but love the option to include an art pad!)

Also at MarthaStewart.com you'll find some great handmade baby ideas! How cute are these washcloth puppets? Not handmade, but could certainly be vintage and I'm sure spruced up with some handmade accents - beginning a Classics Book Collection (I think this is a great idea for someone of any age, really!) Soulemama had something similar in Handmade Home that used old cozy blankets - no matter what material, I think it's a wonderful idea. I think for a gift, it would be cute if each pocket was stuffed with a little something. A stuffed animal, a book, some crayons. Shirt Pocket Quilt.

The cuteness is almost too much for me to bear! I'm thinking these washcloth duckies would make a great themed basket with the washcloth puppets I mentioned earlier, some handmade hooded towels (also linked earlier in this post) and some baby soap. I'm a big fan of themed baskets, and could you imagine the cuteness overload with all those soft, cuddly, homemade bath items for baby? :sigh:

quote for the week.

2010-12-06T07:51:00.000-05:00

Play is the purist, the most spiritual, product of man at this stage, and it is at once the prefiguration and imitation of the total human life,--of the inner, secret, natural life in man and in all things.

It produces, therefore, joy, freedom, satisfaction, repose within and without, peace with the world. The springs of all good rest within it and go out from it.

-Freidrich Froebel

on empathy, even for the bad guys.

2010-11-29T17:41:00.000-05:00

There was a case locally over the past couple of weeks that consumed our area and made news nationally.

You may have heard of 20 year old Jenni-lyn Watson who went missing on the morning of Friday November 19th. They found her body in a storage shed at a local park a week later. Hours after, they arrested her 21 year old ex-boyfriend.

I grew up and lived in a few apartments minutes from the neighborhood where Steven Pieper, the man accused of Jenni-lyn's murder lives. It's a very nice, sort of upper middle class neighborhood. I lived in an townhouse minutes from Jenni-lyn's home. I spent many a summer night listening to local bands on the stage right in front of that storage shed. Both my boys played soccer at that park.

Both Jenni-lyn and Steven went to the high school that I graduated from (though they are a decade younger than me).

While the search was on for this young girl, talk often turned to who did it. The police weren't releasing really any information in those regards. It sort of terrified a lot of people to think that the person could live locally.

He did. Does. His family does.

I don't want to be another person just spouting off their opinion on this case. There are enough of those people. And that's the problem.

Everyone (very, very rightfully so) feels sympathy for Jenni-lyn and her family. People, complete strangers, are heartbroken for them. I understand. I am too. I can not begin to imagine the pain and grief and heartache that that family has to go through. You know, you worry about your children when they are gone. At the mall. At a friends. At college. Living on their own You are not supposed to worry about them when they are home with you. That is when they are supposed to be safe. It's a terrifying thought that she was not safe in her own home or safe from someone who was supposed to love her.

But too many people forget that there are two tragedies here. I understand peoples anger. I get it, really I do. It makes sense. Feeling anger and disgust towards the person that did this is a completly valid emotion.

So why don't I feel anger? I don't know. All I feel is a heavy, horrible sadness. There are two families destroyed. Sometimes people forget that there are victims all around.

Maybe I'm too empathetic. I think sometimes that's true. I sensor myself from a lot of news stories because quite honestly, I can't handle them. So maybe the fact is other people simply don't care. Maybe they're right. Maybe I'm the odd one out here.

I can't help but think of this young mans family. Does he have brothers or sisters? How are they supposed to face their classmates or their friends? His parents - my goodness can you imagine? To face your neighbors, your community, to go back to work? If there is one thing that has to be almost equal to losing your child to a violent crime, I think it would have to be being the parent of the person who committed a violent crime.

I think I would be constantly questioning myself. What did I do wrong? Were there warning signs? Could I have stopped it? Is it my fault?

I know there are parents who don't care about their kids. Parents who neglect or abuse their children. But in my rose colored world, when I hear stories like this, one thing I always think about it what that person was like as a child. I imagine his mother loved him and sang him songs and tucked him into bed at night. I imagine his parents cheered at baseball games and took pictures before prom and had family game night.

Maybe not. Maybe the parents were monsters. Maybe he is a monster too. I mean, how else do you take another human beings life?

I don't know.

You worry about your kids in relation to other people: drunk drivers, kidnappers, rapists, murderers, child molesters. Most parents worry about keeping their kids safe from other people. It's a terrifying thought that your child might grow up to be the 'other person'.

Reading comments on other forums is sickening. Again, I get the anger. I'm with ya. But when people say that he (Steven) 'should fry' or when they blame the family . . . it makes me cringe.

He is still someones child. That family is already reeling from what their child did to someone elses child. To have to live with that would be awful enough, but then to have to live with it under the heavy glare of so many accusing eyes?

Man, I don't know. I guess there's no tactful way to get these thoughts out. I feel like it's somehow wrong to feel empathy all around - yes, even for the 'bad guy'.

The whole story just makes my heart hurt, and makes me want to hold my kids close forever.

quote for the week

2010-11-14T17:56:00.000-05:00

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. ~St Francis de Sales

well, hello there. I know I've been quiet this past week. I imagine I'll be quiet still for at least a few more days.

We've been living very slowly, very quietly. There seems a bit of chaos in our lives, in the lives of those we love. We've been taking time to play games, cook together, snuggle, nap, watch movies and watch the bread rise in front of the woodstove.

I normally need to talk everything out, in excruciating detail. Right now, I'm feeling the need to be quiet. To be still. To not just keep, but first to find that inner peace.

i am thankful day 7

2010-11-08T19:45:00.000-05:00

Today I am thankful for

new england clam chowder, kitty cats, cozy blankets and being half way through my work week.

handmade holidays: gifts for men and boys

2010-11-08T16:39:00.000-05:00

Because I know my husband and kids don't read this blog, this handmade post will be the easiest to share, though even here there are a couple of handmade gifts that you'll have to wait until after the holidays to see!

I find that crafting for boys is sometimes pretty hard! Last year we did ok, but it felt like we used up all our good ideas! Here's a small list to kick off the handmade holiday season!

Handmade by others:

Beer Soap - search Etsy for all sorts of fabulous 'manly' soaps!

image source

I like this shaving kit. There are homebrew soaps and homebrew shampoos. How about a chocolate stout soap?

Custom Guitar Picks for your musician. They're metal and it says they are easy to play with. I don't play guitar, so who knows. But they're still neat.

image source

You could probably make this on your own too, but inspiration deserves credit too! The Husband loves homemade popcorn, and I could see this going over very well.
Popcorn Spice Kit

The Husband also dabbles in making beer, but even if your guy doesn't - these Homebrew Ties are pretty dang cool!

image source

Handmade by you!

Sports Cans. I think these are a super neat idea. I think depending on the size of the can, you could stuff them with goodies and snacks, or maybe slippers and a matching team fleece blanket.

Pajama Pants are quickly becoming a Christmas Tradition in our house, last year just the little guys got them, this year The Husband will be getting a pair too. We do fleece, but you could make them in whatever fabric you wanted. There are tons of tutorials online, here's a fairly easy one: 15 minute pajama pants

I made all the boys heat packs last Christmas, but these are always a great standby. Mine weren't this fancy - just a standard rectangle, but here's an idea on how to make them: Homemade Heat Packs

Bookmarks inspired by Soulemama. You can find the instructions in Handmade Home or here

Of course if you knit there are many more ideas! Socks, hats, scarves, sweaters (oh my!).

Or, if you don't knit - how about making a hat from a recycled felted sweater? Or a brimmed hat from an old sweater?

Every time The Husband comes to the market with me, he remarks on the felted slippers one of our meat vendors sells (she also spins and knits). Now my knitting skills are beginner on a good day, so knitting and felting slippers is out of the question. But how about felted slippers from sweaters? yay!

I think it's possible that crafting for the kids can sometimes be harder than crafting for The Husband. They're always appreciative (and seem sincerly so!) with handmade gifts. But. They're boys. 12 and 7 now. Coolness is definitely a factor! Pillowcases, blankets, pajama pants - all safe handmade gifts. But not surprising, or super special. So, that list will have to be continued as I find and add ideas!

If you have any handmade gift ideas for men and boys, please share them in the comments below!

Can't wait to see what everyone else is coming up with as the Holiday season gets into full swing!

i am thankful, day 6

2010-11-07T17:51:00.000-05:00

I am thankful

that I have a stove at work. Seriously. I work 12 hour Sundays and till 9pm every other night. I didn't use the stove the first couple years I worked here, I just heated up leftovers. Now I can't imagine how I got by. I love being able to pack ingredients and cook a fresh dinner, especially on these loooong 12 hour days!

quote for the week.

2010-11-07T17:44:00.000-05:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;

we must die to one life before we can enter another.

~Anatole France

image source

I keep typing out posts, and blogger keeps eating them. It's getting quite frustrating. This post got eaten somewhere between pressing publish and view published post. So here's the cliff notes.

We are going to be facing quite a few changes here. I'll share them with you soon, but not yet.

I try not to rush the seasons, I am very much aware at how quickly the years can speed by. I try to embrace and savor every season. The scents and sights, the flavors.

That's not always easy. I was cursing our long winter when it snowed (a lot!) on Mothers Day last year, but then soon whining about the heat during our very long and very hot summer. Often enough though, it seems the seasons begin to turn just as I'm longing for the next. When fall began this year, I couldn't imagine wanting it to end. I think the same thing every year, since autumn is by far my favorite time, but this year especially. I was dreading the inevitable and too quick return to winter. We have long winters.

Yet here I am with the last leaf having barely touched the ground, and I'm ready for the snow. I'm ready for snowstorms and sledding and hats and mittens and cocoa and woodstoves and cozy-ing under blankets and slowing down and the silence and calm that winter brings.

This winter, I'm especially ready for the opportunity to slow down. To nap. To dream and plan. To get ready for all the seasons ahead.

image source

i am thankful days 4 and 5

2010-11-06T17:27:00.001-04:00

So generic, totally a cop out but:

I am thankful for my family and for my friends.

They count as two days. Cause I said so.

It's true though, really. They are what makes up the best parts of my life. Sure, I find joy in things like hiking and crafting and other solo activities - but the relationships I have with my family and my friends are what create fullness and wholeness in my life.

Cheesy, but true.

I am thankful, day 3

2010-11-04T19:48:00.002-04:00

Whew. Today was a long day!

Today, I am thankful for:

time for napping!

i am thankful, day 2

2010-11-03T12:19:00.001-04:00

Today I am thankful for:

libraries.

especially libraries with online systems

that allow me to place holds on any book

at any of the county libraries

and have it delivered to my local library.

yay!

image source

:month of gratitude:

2010-11-02T18:11:00.000-04:00

I had this big, long, wonderful post about handmade holidays. And I worked on it for a really long time (so I know it was auto-saved in addition to me saving it) and then I had to leave and come back, and when I did, it was gone. Blank. Blogger clearly doesn't want me to talk about my handmade holiday ideas. So, you don't get that post. At least not today, since I have to do it all over again! :whine:

Anyway, a couple of friends on Facebook have started posting one thing on every day this month that they are thankful for. I happen to think that's a marvelous idea so I'm going to copy it here. I hope you join in too!

Today, I am thankful for:

a husband who still surprises me (in the very good way!) and is compassionate and kind and loving, especially when I least expect him to be.

the things that change.

2010-11-01T08:36:00.001-04:00

I normally work 12 hours every Sunday. This year I switched with a co-worker and worked 12 hours Saturday so I could have Sunday off - thought being that this was probably the last year my oldest would want to go trick or treating with us.

Turns out, last year was the last year he wanted to go trick or treating at all. These small milestones seem to hit me harder than the bigger ones. They sort of sneak up on you and knock you off your feet. You expect loose teeth. The disbelief in Santa Claus. First girlfriends. Puberty. Those are all things that are sort of major and you are prepared for them, you know they are coming. But then there are the smaller things, that you sort of forget about until they happen. Like the little boy that you have dressed up and walked house to house with for a decade deciding that he is way too cool for that now. It's like every Halloween for the last 10 years is suddenly etched so very clearly in my mind. The toddler in the Tigger costume. The years spent as some form of a ninja or skeleton in a robe or some variation of the two. My favorite costume, last year, as a wizard. The early years spent making it around just one block. Coffee in hand, sometimes in the rain, sometimes in the snow - reminding him to use his thank yous - prompting the saying of trick or treat.

2009

Oh, my youngest still loves the holiday, I think he may love it even more than Christmas. So I still trudged through the streets last night, hot buttered rum in hand instead of the coffee of my younger years. Since my youngest was born, 7 years ago, we have had lovely Halloweens. No snow. Warm nights. This year we returned to a day of hail, rain and snow - with a dash of sunshine. The night was as cold as when I began the yearly ritual.

it's hard to tell with all the layers, but Colin was Ash from pokemon. he's currently obsessed.

So Evan spent this year sitting on Nana's porch, in full costume - scaring the kids that came to the door. I guess a new tradition begins.

quote for the week

2010-10-31T08:00:00.000-04:00

It's Halloween! It's Halloween!
The moon is full and bright
And we shall see what can't be seen
On any other night.
Skeletons and ghosts and ghouls,
Grinning goblins fighting duels,
Werewolves rising from their tombs,
Witches on their magic brooms.
In masks and gown we haunt the street
And knock on doors for trick or treat.
Tonight we are the king and queen,
For oh tonight it's Halloween!

- Jack Prelutsky

cemeteries

2010-10-28T08:00:00.000-04:00

So, in my effort to get outside more (even though my job keeps me tethered to a desk 10-12 hours at a time) I've started walking on my lunch break again. I did this in the spring for a while, then just stopped. For some reason I haven't been walking in the mornings after the kids get on the bus either. I should. Fresh air is good, for the body and the soul.

Anyway, I've been walking. But instead of walking the neighborhood across from work, I've been walking the cemetery. I was always sort of afraid to walk there alone before, because even though it's bordered by a nice section of the University neighborhood and parts of the University itself it's also very near a very not nice part of the city. But, it was the middle of a sunshiney weekday, and I decided to just go and do it.

I'm so glad I did, it was so healing. The sun was shining, breeze was blowing, leaves were fluttering. I brought my mp3 player, but didn't use it. I just listened. Watched. It was awfully alive for a cemetery. There were a couple other people there; a woman walking her dog, a man jogging, a couple having a picnic. I've walked there before, but never alone, so I was really able to notice things this time.

The cemetery is 160 acres in the city. It was opened in 1859, and I'm so in awe of the monuments and graves from that time. There are some outstanding ones and some very simple ones.

The bigger monumnets leave me wondering who the people were, what they did. I think it's so incredible how much money went into these resting places.

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Then there are the smaller graves, some have headstones and some do not - or maybe they did but don't any longer. Families were buried together often, and I wonder if how you decided which family you were buried with if you were married and how far along might that go - where would the children of the children be buried? Some of the smaller ones with no headstones simply say what they were: Mother, Father, Son. No name, no date of birth, no date of death. That's who they were. Mother, Father, Son. Often the mother is listed as Wife of: (whoever) as if her name didn't matter, just who she was married to. I wonder if that was enough for them, to simply be mother or wife. There many late 1800 and early 1900 ones that have infants and often 2 or 3 people in the same family dying in the same year. It makes me wonder of their fate. Illness? Fire?

Headstones don't tell you enough.

But I love these simple, older headstones. Much more than the fancy older ones though those are intriguing too. It becomes easier to imagine that family, living in the area I live now, only so different. There would have been a farm where I work - in fact I work in a converted barn. The University was just being built.

To me, every person in a cemetery was a good person. I'm sure they weren't, but I like to imagine that they were. I wonder about the families buried there, and how similar they were to families today. Our surroundings have changed - but I like to think that it's not so different. They loved their children, kissed them goodnight. They cooked dinners and had friends and looked up at the same moon I do.

There are a lot of newer stones there too. They're lovely, and it's still a peaceful and beautiful area of the cemetery, but I don't spend much time there. Everything sort of looks the same. It's in neater rows. Shinier stones.

There's another section, that I spent some time in that is so, so sad. It's a childrens area - babies, really. Some of them have headstones, but most of them don't, just metal, rusted markers. Some of the markers are so old they're missing the names. That makes me the saddest, the nameless markers.

I walked through a newer cemetery down the road yesterday, instead of the bigger one, and I didn't like it. Too pristine. All the headstones were the same (one of 3 colors) they all had similar engravings. One thing that was neat, was what seemed to be a lot of shared same sex plots. It's possible they are siblings, but I'd like to think that this religious cemetery is progressive enough that it wasn't. When I was finishing my walk, and thinking I wouldn't visit this cemetery again, I came upon an older man sitting in a lawn chair in front of a grave. Just sitting there. Maybe talking, maybe thinking - visiting. And suddenly I felt a little strange being there, what right did I have to be walking through these graves, these lives lived, other peoples pain?

I didn't feel like that at the other cemetery. I felt like I was supposed to be there. It was built almost as a park, and people seem to enjoy it as one. I'd like to be buried somewhere like that. Well, I'd like to be cremated, but I would be ok being buried in a cemetary like that. To me, cemeteries and headstones aren't for the people under them - they are for the people left behind, the people who need a place to grieve and to visit and sit in their lawn chairs and watch the leaves fall.

joyful girl

2010-10-27T10:52:00.001-04:00

I am not a joyful girl.

In fact, I am quite cranky, quite a bit of the time.

Once upon a time, a former boyfriend told he he loved how I was so happy all the time. I thought that was funny, since I was 16 and felt not happy most of the time. Apparently I seemed a joyful girl.

Then came single teenage motherhood. And even through that, I was ok. I'm sure I complained - but there was no choice but to keep on keepin' on.

Somehow as I've gotten older, I've become a cranky pants complainer. I've become a pessimist. I've become a 'the sky is falling' kinda gal. I don't know exactly when it started. My early 20's I think. It started with the worrying.

My mom was always a complainer. She could be standing in a field of daisies on a beautiful spring day, and notice the only pile of dog crap out there. I always hated it. I never understood how someone could be so miserable so much of the time.

Guess what? I've become my mother. Dishes in the sink? Complain. Laundry piling up? Complain. Husband has too many gigs coming up? Complain. Weather doesn't cooperate? Complain. I think there may be a pattern there.

So how does one become an optimist? How does one stop complaining? Or better yet, stop noticing things to complain about?

I mean, I've tried. I look at my household chores as things that bless my family, and that helps - it really does. Most of the time. I looking at my very long days at work as an opportunity to get other things done like reading or knitting (I have a lot of down time on my 12 hour shifts).

I try to slow down and find something good in every day. I try take the time to notice the beauty around me. But, my goodness, sometimes it's too easy to stay wrapped up in a gray cloud.

And you know, I know all the answers too.

You can't control other peoples actions or emotions. So if someone else is upsetting me (like the kids, or The Husband, or co-workers) I can't control them, I can only control how I react towards them.

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I know that 'if you don't like a situation, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you look at it'.

I know that if you look for bad things, you will find them and if you look for the good, you'll find that instead.

What I don't know is how to implement those things. I have tried, really. I've taken Dale Carnegie classes at work. One of my lessons was to pick a statement from the book and implement it in my life. I chose 'Don't criticize, condemn or complain'. This was probably 6 years ago, and I knew I was complaining too much then. The idea was, if you just stopped doing those things, what you wanted would eventually come about. At the time, a huge issue was dishes. There is nothing that gets under my skin more than coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes. But after months of arguing, clearly nothing was changing. So I stopped complaining. And I just came home and did them, as calmly as I could. With out saying a word.

You know what happened? I got angrier. Because nothing changed. I'm not saying nagging is the way to go, but not mentioning what's wrong doesn't fix anything either. The dishes are rarely a problem now, but I don't remember how we solved that one. . .

So there has to be a balance right? A way to not get walked all over, but not whine and complain and nag, right?

How do you bring joy back into your life? How do you stay happy?

image: Susan Branch

I have a few ideas, ways to begin. I guess it's a daily commitment to live that way. At least fake it till it works.

I know I need to get back into keeping a gratitude journal, it helps.

I need to get outside more. I went walking on lunch yesterday, in the cemetery by work and it really was healing. I need more nature, and I need more exercise. I work a desk job for 10-12 hours a day and it definitely drags down my spirit.

I need to take more me time. I don't know how. Even my hobbies are for my family. But maybe that's ok. I enjoy sewing, I've been wanting to make a quilt for the kids for a while, but "never have the time". I need to make that time, even if the end result is for someone else, the process is for me. I need to take the time to nap, without feeling like I've wasted time. Or soak in a tub without worrying about what else I should be doing.

I need to be more flexible and spontaneous. Sometimes things don't work out just the way I wanted. That needs to be ok. That's life.

I need to make changes. I need to find joy in what I do. I need to go back to school, I need a new job. I've known this for a while, but have been reluctant to make the change. I'm not the kind of person who would go hand in their 2 weeks notice right now, just because I'm not happy, but it's time to take steps in that direction.

How do you keep joy in your life? Are good thoughts automatic for you? Are you a complainer? How do you decide when to draw the line, when it's ok to complain ?

image found here

creating home.

2010-10-26T18:10:00.001-04:00

I'm obsessed with houses. Have been for a long time. Most little girls dream of their wedding day but not me. I dreamt of a house. I watched all those house decorating shows long before I lived in my own space. Spent years scouring House-for-Sale magazines and websites and drooling over homes I couldn't afford.

I don't know why. Maybe because growing up my home didn't always feel like home to me. Not in the way a home should. Comfortable, cozy, happy and safe.

I always wanted a big rambling farmhouse on several acres- I've sort of explained my inspiration for this before. Years ago, I wanted the farm house but with out the farm. Now I want the farm too.

We have been very, very blessed to have been given the opportunity to live in and buy this house. So why am I still mooning over other homes?

I think in part because we never picked this house, really. We love it. But. There are things we wanted that we don't have. A space for The Husbands music. A fourth bedroom. A usable basement. Another acre (or few). Things I wanted that I don't have. A craft room. A house that needed some work. Walking into a ready made house makes it really hard for me to change things.

There are several things in the house that I want to change, or would change, but I won't. Because I have a hard time changing or getting rid of something that is perfectly fine and in good shape.

And so, we're in this home and it feels like home and it does feel like our home, but there's something missing. I don't know. I think because it was so ready (I mean, they even left gorgeous Stickly and Ethan Allen furniture!) we haven't really had to create a home.

Now that we've been here a year, we're learning more about what we need and want. Now what we need to do is learn how to make that work in this home. Because the fact is that I don't live in a big farmhouse. A farmhouse, yes - but a smaller one and a completely remodeled one.

We've added a few things -

like the fort,

garden,

compost

and fire pit.

We still have a lot more to do with the land. Right now, with winter fast approaching - my thoughts are already inside.

Someday, maybe - we'll be in a position to remodel. Not now. Anything that happens now is quick and cosmetic.

You can see from my tumblr what sort of houses and areas I like. I just need to work on creating similar areas in our house, which is hard because of all the wood walls (likely something we will never change).

There are some things that I would like done sooner, rather than later:

Kids rooms. Paint and arrange better. The paint is fine, it's a lovely color - but it's the first time they've had their very own room and I want them to make it theirs.

Finish creating my sewing space. I've taken over a small corner of our room. Now I need to make it an official sewing space, without clashing with the rest of our room.

Paint the living room bookshelves. Our house needs a little lightening up.

Slipcover the pullout loveseat

Replace kitchen lighting

Create art area for the kids (this will be tough to make space for in the room we have allotted) Originally I was going to get rid of this gorgeous and uncomfortable chair, but someone started using it daily.

Things I do love about our house:

It's cozy.

Even though it's not big, it's the biggest place we've ever lived.

This tub.

The cool things in our woods.

And in the end, what I really want is a place that we all love. Not because of the space, or the design, but because we all feel safe and loved here. A place where we not only eat and sleep and live, but become alive and dream and create and grow. A home filled with music and laughter and family and friends.

What does home mean to you? What sorts of things or feelings are most important to you in a home?

"It is not the homes that I love,

but the lives that are lived there"

~Unknown

things that are good.

2010-10-25T12:51:00.000-04:00

autumn and the smell of wood stoves

books

pumpkins and crisp days

bellies with babies in them

food in jars

progress - finally understanding

family

these boys

wine in general, but especially homemade wine

kitty cats

learning and growing - even when it hurts

Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

quote for the week.

2010-10-24T13:41:00.000-04:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

It has been an especially trying week. I posted about it the other day, but took the post back down soon after. It was too personal, even for me and I am the Queen of Overshare.

I have been forced to question and reassess many things in my life. I've been having a sort of early mid life crisis I think. Suddenly I'm not quite sure who I am, where I am going or even where I have been. It is a very unsettling feeling.

In the middle of my pseudo-crisis, my sister called me with a real life crisis of her own. She is six months pregnant and her boyfriend of 6 years has decided that he isn't happy. They just moved into a new apartment a month ago, they haven't even finished unpacking.

She's staying with us. I don't know for how long. I don't know how well this will work, but she has very few alternatives.

So, it's been a painful and life changing weekend for both of us.

Part of my deleted post:

Sometimes, life is really hard. Not just the big events and big decisions. It's the everyday ones too. All the little pieces that make up a day, a week, a year - your whole life.

And when one thing goes wrong, or not as expected - sometimes it's really easy for all the little things surrounding it to get unraveled too. I'm learning to knit. And sometimes, I'll notice a mistake I made in one stitch, and it's just one little stitch, but in a row of perfect stitches it's glaring. Now if I kept going, chances are when I get to the end, I wouldn't even notice that stitch anymore unless I was looking for it. And the only other people who would notice it are the people looking for it. But because it's right there, in front of me, I always feel like I have to fix it. Because if I don't, it's not perfect. But often when I'm working back and pulling stitches, I end up in an even bigger mess. I drop a stitch, or twist them or forget where I was when I made the mistake. And then I have to work back further and further until I can get it right again. All because of one little mistake. One little wayward stitch.

. . .

I've stopped doing things just for me. And honestly, I don't even know how to anymore. Everything I am and everything I believe has been stitched into the fibers of my family. I don't know who I am without them.

. . .

I know that we'll keep moving forward and eventually this will just be one of those stitches that only the people who know about it notice. I mean, what else is there to do?

So there's sort of the reason I chose this weeks quote. I get stuck on the questions. I feel unsettled without the answers. Live the questions now. Perhaps someday the answers will come.

Though my sister and I are hurting in different ways, I think the healing is the same. Keep moving, keep living. Don't wait for the answers. Maybe they'll come and maybe they won't.

Maybe you'll find the answers have changed or perhaps you'll have forgotten the question.

well, I know what kind of blog this isn't

2010-10-19T16:31:00.001-04:00

I still haven't figured out what sort of blog this is. Other than a rambling sometimes cohesive outpouring of my thoughts with the occasional food or craft thrown in.

But I think it's pretty clear by now that this just isn't a daily blog. I'd like it to be. But, well, sometimes I'm just really, really busy. Playing frontierville on facebook.

No, really though - I just haven't been able to get the motivation. First, I really was busy - with the van that apparently isn't ours (there might be more to come on that - let's see how motivated I am this week!) and canning a TON of peppers. Ok, like maybe 20 or 30 lbs? But it seemed like a ton! Oh, and apples, still. Disappointment in my job and perceived opportunities. A lot of reflection on my life and my future. And then there's my cat, the killer. And a friends birthday. And then I was sick, like thought I had some sort of horrible deadly flu sick, but turns out it only lasted a day and I'm actually fine.

It's easy to get out of the swing of things, isn't it? I don't know how in the world daily bloggers do it. I mean, my life just isn't that interesting all the time either. Today, for example: woke up, very slowly. Squabbled with The Husband. Drank coffee. Cleaned. Got the stuffed peppers ready and in the fridge for The Husband to cook tonight. Showered. Left a note for the kids. Came to work. Worked. Still working. When I'm done working I'll go home and plop on the couch and watch the biggest loser (and probably eat something sinful while I do it - I can't help it!) and then I'll go to bed.

See how exciting my life is sometimes?! But you know, that's part of why I started blogging - it made me stop and notice the small things, the good things that often get lost in the every day shuffle. I know I whine here fairly often. But that's life too and whining isn't always bad (unless it's my kids, then it's always bad) because sometimes the whining helps you see things in a new light too, you know?

Anyway, I should be here more. I will be here more. Because what I really, really, really need right now is to start noticing and appreciating everyday moments again.

But first I have some harvesting to do!

quote for the week.

2010-10-10T20:15:00.002-04:00

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves. ~John Muir

school lunch

2010-10-06T13:28:00.000-04:00

During my week of nothing, my kids bought lunch far more than usual. We usually limit buying to once a week, and for the past two weeks they've bought probably 3 times a week.

When I was little, we got hot lunch on Friday. It was usually Pizza Hut or something equally healthy. If you forgot to bring your lunch any other day, you got a PB&J and milk. The kids school offers hot lunch everyday. It's your typical school lunch menu - with attempts at being healthier (salads, fruit etc . . .) but I'm pretty sure it's not the fruit that's enticing the kids to buy. A favorite is the popcorn chicken which I am fairly certain is not popcorn and likely not chicken.

So, why in the world do I go through the trouble and expense of buying local grassfed meats, of spending an insane amount of time preparing scratch meals . . . and then send my kids to school with 2 bucks to buy whatever over processed food-like product is being served on the lunch line that day?

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Well, because it's easy. It's made even easier by the fact that I don't have to send them with real, actual dollars. I can go online and add money from my bank account to their lunch account. Yup - they have pin numbers and can buy lunch without ever holding the money.

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Which means, that my 7 year old has been buying breakfast every morning at school. After having breakfast at home. We always joked he was like a hobbit - having more than one breakfast is not unusual for him, he often has first breakfast and second breakfast. Sometimes there is a third breakfast.

Anyway, having money on a card, instead of in your hand - means that my 7 year old has no concept of buying lunch. Or breakfast. So when I checked his account the other day, wondering where in the world 20 bucks went to already - I found that it went a dollar a day to breakfast, 1.75 to lunch on more days than normal and 65 cents to ice cream. Even on the days I take the time and care to pack a balanced healthy lunch - guess what else he's eating? Ice cream. Awesome.

Even better, while cleaning out my 12 year olds lunch bag, I've noticed he's coming home with cookie wrappers and doritio wrappers. And it's not on his lunch account. Which means he's trading or just getting these treats from other kids. Well, that's just awesome too.

But back to why they even have money on their accounts in the first place. It started with them being able to buy on my early Wednesdays - every other Wednesday I have to leave for work right after they get on the bus. It was easier to not have to deal with packing a lunch (since I'm not home till 9:30 the night before) and it was a treat for them.

But. Then sometimes I'm lazy. I mean, I'm just having a really hard time doing the morning thing. I get home from work at 9:30, I'm usually asleep by 11. Then I drag myself out of bed at 6:30. I need way more sleep I think. I wish I could be a morning person, but I'm just not. Not yet.

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And sure, I could pack the lunches the night before. You know, when I get home from a 10 hour day at 9:30 pm, but remember the part where I said I was lazy. Yeah. I just don't want to pack lunches when I walk in the door. And my husband can do them, and does but remember where I also said I've turned into a control freak? He doesn't pack lunches as good as I do. Clearly my lunches are fantastic, since my kids never want to buy lunch and never trade with their friends and . . . oh wait.

So what's a busy some-what health conscious mom to do?

I've seen the bento boxes and they are awesome and clever . . .

well, that's one way to get them to eat!

and so not me. I can barely slap together some peanut butter and some bread!

A typical lunch is:

PB&J or crackers and cheese and pepperoni, or leftover chili or soup in a thermos.
Carrots and ranch or apples and PB or salad and dressing
homemade cookies or chips
mozzarella stick or yogurt
water

I wouldn't want to eat that everyday either, it's freaking boring. I need help! I've looked and looked for lunch ideas, but am still having a hard time. Share with me lunch ideas! I'd love some make ahead/freezer sort of things for the mornings I'm feeling lazy.

We all know how great I am with goals I set, but I'm going to try some new lunch ideas and report back here every week or two. I can't be the only parent with lunch troubles!

Recipes for a woodstacking party.

2010-10-05T13:17:00.000-04:00

How to host a wood stacking party.

First, invite friends who will actually show up and actually stack wood. yay!

hehehe

Second - you find some children to help. Stacking wood is so much fun! What a great game!

ok, maybe you pay them a few dollars at the end. Only so they'll want to help you next year!

Beer helps.

Oh, it also helps to stay inside and cook food and drink wine - popping out only once in a while to take pictures. It makes wood stacking day much easier on you.

Forget to take pictures of all the food you made, so you have no proof that you actually did anything. Oops.

Menu

Pulled Pork

4 lb pork shoulder roast

BBQ Spice Rub

Jar of homemade BBQ sauce

The night before, rub pork shoulder with BBQ spice rub cover and put in fridge.

The next morning, put pork shoulder in crock pot with just enough water to cover the bottom.

Cook on low 8 hours. Shred pork apart using two forks

Add pint jar of homemade bbq sauce. Cook on low for another hour (or longer if need be, just watch to make sure it doesn't dry out).

BBQ Spice Rub

(store remaining rub in container for later use)

from Grassfed Gourmet

1/2 cup chili powder

3 tbs freshly ground black pepper

4 tbs sugar

3 tbs coarse salt

2 tbs paprika

Chili

1lb ground beef

1lb ground hot italian sausage

1 jar homemade salsa (recipe fresh salsa from Ball Blue Book)

28oz can crushed tomatoes

2 Tbs chili seasoning

1 tsp cumin

diced onion

diced garlic

oil

Saute onion and garlic in oil. Add sausage and beef and cook till browned. Put in crockpot, add remaining ingredients. Stir, cover and cook on low for 8-10 hours. I pulled the lid off for the last hour of cooking.

Cornbread

Recipe to follow - by tonight!

Coleslaw (courtesy of Barefoot Goddess)

Roasted Fall Veggies

use any in season veggies. We used:

acorn squash

butternut squash

onions

carrots

peppers

coat with oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Roast at 425 for about 30 minutes, or until caramelized.

Hot Buttered Rum

This was very, very good - but very sweet! Next time I'd halve the sugar. And oh yes, there will be a next time!

It was the perfect sipping drink for the bonfire at the end of the day!

Recipe source

2 cups brown sugar

1/2 cup butter

1 pinch salt

2 quarts water

3 cinnamon sticks (I think 2 would be fine)

6 whole cloves

2 cups rum

whipped cream and nutmeg if desired

Combine the brown sugar, butter, salt and hot water in 5 quart slow cooker. Add cinnamon sticks and cloves. Cover and cook on Low for 5 hours. Stir in rum.

Ladle from the slow cooker into mugs, and top with whipped cream and a dusting of nutmeg.

** The butter sort of oils on top a little bit - I found that if the cooker was on high, it helped to lessen that. I'm sure whipped cream would cover it too!

Thank you so very much to everyone who came out and helped!

the story of the apples.

2010-10-04T07:53:00.000-04:00

The last 6 weeks have been so, so busy. It's always busy for us this time of year - with birthday season and back to school and my overtime. This year we added in Evans 5 day hospital stay and the wedding of some dear friends.

I tried to slow down once it was over. I really felt like I was doing nothing. I mean, I kind of was. You know, somewhere over the last 7 years - I've become a different person. I used to have no problems with being lazy. With letting the dishes wait, or with stopping everything to read a book. Somehow, sometime over the last several years that all changed and I'm always on the go. I'm often uneasy just sitting, or only doing one thing at a time.

So after doing nothing for a few days, I decided it was time to get stuff done, after all there was a lot to be done! Isn't there always so much to be done?!

We had to go apple picking. It had to happen that day, because I needed the next two days to process them (since it was our first weekend with nothing planned!) We went to our favorite orchard from last year, less than a mile from our house

their U-pick was closed this year! The mothers day snow had reduced their crop. Sure, I could buy a bag in the store, but we needed to pick them. That's how this was supposed to go.

Luckily, we live within 5 miles of at least 4 orchards. That's pretty much what our town has going for it. Apples. So we head on up to the big, fancy commerical one up the road. The Husband and I had actually been to that one earlier in the day taste testing at their distillery and winery.

We pull in, see the apples are 20 cents more per pound than our favorite place. Oh well, their trees are loaded with apples. This orchard is so large that the late snow didn't hurt them too badly.

Except, we have an hour and there is a line of about 30 kids that just got off a bus. We'll spend way too much time in line.

So, forget it, I say. We'll just go another day. Hmph. Only as we're driving back down the hill I get angry. And all anxious-y. But! But! We have to go today! I neeeeeed those apples today, because that's what I have planned for this weekend! I'm supposed to be canning apples! .

Apparently whenever it was over the last few years that I stopped being able to be lazy, I also became a little bit of a control freak.

So we stop at one of the orchards on the way back. It's a tiny orchard, on the side of the hill. They have two kinds of apples and most of those apples are not on the trees, I'm slipping on them on the ground. Still. We truck on. And manage to pick two bags of beautiful apples.

And then the next day it was 90 degrees. Ok, it makes no sense to can, since the day after will be in the 60's. But then, I didn't can the next day either. And then I was back at work.

And those apples sat, and sat, and sat for a week. The truth is, after all that, I couldn't stand the thought of canning those darn apples. I was still feeling lazy. Which of course worried me at first too. I can't be lazy forever. How long will I be unmotivated - just doing the minimum - dinner, laundry, work?! My house will fall apart! My apples will rot! My children will be traumatized if they buy lunch one more day!

And still, those apples sat. And they didn't rot. They sat waiting very patiently, for one whole week. They waited until I woke up on a very rainy, cold day. The kind of day that would have been perfect to go back to bed after the kids got on the bus. The kind of day that would have been perfect to snuggle in bed all day and nap and catch up on last season of Dexter. Which is what I had planned to do, since I was convincing myself to just embrace the lazy.

But then I woke up wide awake, and all I wanted to do was can those apples! It was still a lazy, wonderful day. I canned all morning in my pajamas. Then I showered and got back into my pajamas. We pulled out leftovers for dinner, played board games for most of the evening. It was perfection.

I spent the weekend in a different sort of lazy. Not the unproductive lazy of the previous week, but the sort of slow, easy, enjoyable sort of lazy.

I canned. I cleaned. We hosted a wood-stacking party, and I cooked my butt off. But I didn't feel overwhelmed. I wasn't going crazy with everything that had to be done, or should be done or what wasn't done. I did what I could, and moved on with the day.

Those apples showed me that sometimes it's ok to wait. Clearly, my body and my mind were not done resting. Because those apples could wait - I could too. I could take the time to let go, and recharge. My days can not consist of just cooking and cleaning and family chores - especially if those things are dragging me down. Most of the time I really, honestly do enjoy doing those things- but if I've stopped enjoying them, then maybe it's time to stop for just a little while. Because my house didn't fall apart. My children are doing just fine.

And those apples didn't rot.

quote for the week

2010-10-03T16:56:00.000-04:00

image source

"The season for enjoying the fullness of life -- partaking of the harvest,sharing the harvest with others, and reinvesting and saving portions of the harvest for yet another season of growth."
- Denis Waitley

Happy October! I've continued on doing nothing much longer than I expected. It seems I needed that time so much more than I realized. I'll be back tomorrow to tell you all about the apples.

quote for the week.

2010-09-26T23:30:00.000-04:00

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

:this moment:

2010-09-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

Inspired by SouleMama:

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.