joyful girl

I am not a joyful girl.

In fact, I am quite cranky, quite a bit of the time.

Once upon a time, a former boyfriend told he he loved how I was so happy all the time. I thought that was funny, since I was 16 and felt not happy most of the time. Apparently I seemed a joyful girl.

Then came single teenage motherhood. And even through that, I was ok. I'm sure I complained - but there was no choice but to keep on keepin' on.

Somehow as I've gotten older, I've become a cranky pants complainer. I've become a pessimist. I've become a 'the sky is falling' kinda gal. I don't know exactly when it started. My early 20's I think. It started with the worrying.


My mom was always a complainer. She could be standing in a field of daisies on a beautiful spring day, and notice the only pile of dog crap out there. I always hated it. I never understood how someone could be so miserable so much of the time.

Guess what? I've become my mother. Dishes in the sink? Complain. Laundry piling up? Complain. Husband has too many gigs coming up? Complain. Weather doesn't cooperate? Complain. I think there may be a pattern there.

So how does one become an optimist? How does one stop complaining? Or better yet, stop noticing things to complain about?

I mean, I've tried. I look at my household chores as things that bless my family, and that helps - it really does. Most of the time. I looking at my very long days at work as an opportunity to get other things done like reading or knitting (I have a lot of down time on my 12 hour shifts).

I try to slow down and find something good in every day. I try take the time to notice the beauty around me. But, my goodness, sometimes it's too easy to stay wrapped up in a gray cloud.

And you know, I know all the answers too.

You can't control other peoples actions or emotions. So if someone else is upsetting me (like the kids, or The Husband, or co-workers) I can't control them, I can only control how I react towards them.

 img src

I know that 'if you don't like a situation, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you look at it'.

I know that if you look for bad things, you will find them and if you look for the good, you'll find that instead.

What I don't know is how to implement those things. I have tried, really. I've taken Dale Carnegie classes at work. One of my lessons was to pick a statement from the book and implement it in my life. I chose 'Don't criticize, condemn or complain'. This was probably 6 years ago, and I knew I was complaining too much then. The idea was, if you just stopped doing those things, what you wanted would eventually come about. At the time, a huge issue was dishes. There is nothing that gets under my skin more than coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes. But after months of arguing, clearly nothing was changing. So I stopped complaining. And I just came home and did them, as calmly as I could. With out saying a word.

You know what happened? I got angrier. Because nothing changed. I'm not saying nagging is the way to go, but not mentioning what's wrong doesn't fix anything either. The dishes are rarely a problem now, but I don't remember how we solved that one. . .

So there has to be a balance right? A way to not get walked all over, but not whine and complain and nag, right?

How do you bring joy back into your life? How do you stay happy?

 image: Susan Branch

I have a few ideas, ways to begin. I guess it's a daily commitment to live that way. At least fake it till it works.

I know I need to get back into keeping a gratitude journal, it helps.

I need to get outside more. I went walking on lunch yesterday, in the cemetery by work and it really was healing. I need more nature, and I need more exercise. I work a desk job for 10-12 hours a day and it definitely drags down my spirit.

I need to take more me time. I don't know how. Even my hobbies are for my family. But maybe that's ok. I enjoy sewing, I've been wanting to make a quilt for the kids for a while, but "never have the time". I need to make that time, even if the end result is for someone else, the process is for me. I need to take the time to nap, without feeling like I've wasted time. Or soak in a tub without worrying about what else I should be doing.

I need to be more flexible and spontaneous. Sometimes things don't work out just the way I wanted. That needs to be ok. That's life.

I need to make changes. I need to find joy in what I do. I need to go back to school, I need a new job. I've known this for a while, but have been reluctant to make the change. I'm not the kind of person who would go hand in their 2 weeks notice right now, just because I'm not happy, but it's time to take steps in that direction.


How do you keep joy in your life? Are good thoughts automatic for you? Are you a complainer? How do you decide when to draw the line, when it's ok to complain ?

image found here

unbalanced.

 I'm going to warn you - this is a very whiny post.


I feel like I'm always walking a tightrope. A little breeze, a slip, and I'm tumbling for days. I need a safety net.

This morning, I lost my balance again. I've been wavering for a few days. I should have seen it coming. I guess I kind of did. I felt it Saturday. I felt it Sunday. I thought it was just that I was tired. That I did too much that weekend (and I did, and I won't - not like that - again). That it was maybe hormones. I thought I was just shaky - but not about to fall.

I snapped this morning. I nagged. I sounded like my mother. The husband tuned me out. The kids tuned me out. But I still kept muttering. I woke up to the cat pooping in my shower. Kev laughed as I came downstairs about the surprise in the kitchen - which was bread crumbs all over. The cat (I hope it was the cat since our cellar door was left open all night!) got into a bag of rolls and got them all over. Her dish was empty. I normally check it when I get home (though it's Colin's responsibility) and last night I just forgot. I was tired. I was re-routed on the way home due to an accident and it took me an extra 25 minutes to get home (meaning almost 10 pm).  Anyway, the 'surprise' in the kitchen - everyone walked past it. Guess who got to clean it up? On top of trying to find Colin's baseball socks, and getting dinner started (because I had work at 7 this morning, I get home at 5 and Colin has a 5:45 baseball game). I asked for one load - just one load of laundry to be done yesterday while I was working. It wasn't. Now I'm looking at catching up on Mount laundry on my days off. Oh, and then I remembered the trash had to go out as the garbage truck was driving by. This all made for a cranky morning.

Anyway. I could complain all day about this weekend and this morning, but the end result is I just couldn't take it. I fell. I am tired.

I suppose I could also go on and on about how my kids are expected to do chores, and my husband was raised to help and on and on and blah, blah, blah. But in the end it doesn't matter. I've talked calmly about it. I've nagged about it. I've tried everything under the sun and I still end up doing most of the housework.

The thing is, I don't mind doing housework. I don't. I'm just tired. I can't do it all. I work odd hours and I work full time, and I'm tired of spending all my free time catching up on the things that weren't done while I was working. I can't keep doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning and everything else while I'm working full time. I can't. Something has to give.

The thing is, that I don't want to give up things like cooking from scratch, laundry on the line and other things that may take more time. I enjoy those things. I won't compromise the things that are important to me.  I'm not looking so much for things to be easier, or take less time. There are things though, that I could be helped with more often. Little things that take two seconds, but save me time. Like wiping the bathroom counter if you get toothpaste on it. Emptying the trash under the sink - not walking past breadcrumbs all over the floor and counters!

I feel unappreciated. I'm not expecting a pat on the back. I don't need praise. I just don't need attitude when I ask for help. I'd like maybe a thanks once in a while. I'd like it if I wasn't expected to do all the things that everyone else walks past. I mean, the laundry fairy doesn't come and gather their clothes and wash them. The toilet gnome doesn't scrub the toilets when everyone is sleeping.

Sometimes I wish I could be the kind of woman who just does it all and does it with a smile on her face. I want to be. I try to be. I'm not.

I realized this morning that my feelings of 'balance' come from chores. Why is that? How did that happen? I've noticed that when I'm caught up on things at home, I feel good. And when they aren't, I feel overwhelmed and out of rhythm, out of balance. I mean not always, but most of the time - yeah. That's what does it.

What a whiny post. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people that only post about feel good things. Inspiring things. Lovely things. But I'm not. Like I've said - how I write is how I speak. How I blog is how I think. What you see is what I am. And sometimes that means I'm whiny and cranky and feeling sorry for myself.

I know I need to take some time for myself. I almost never do. The time I take for myself involves quick trips to wander thrift stores on my lunch break. Or Saturday morning farmers markets. I need something else. But I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn't be taking the time from my family. Not that they necessarily need me there, but I feel like I need to be there - I already spend so much time away with work. Then there's the self-pitying thought that I'll just have to clean when I get home anyway, so what's the point. Then, of course, what would I do? I'd love to indulge in a massage, but realistically we just don't have the money for that. At least not on a semi-regular basis. I'd gladly spend time wandering thrift stores, used book stores and rummage sales, but the truth is we don't need more stuff. I could go walking or hiking which is free and won't result in stuff, but honestly - I prefer to do that with my family. I like being with them. I haven't taken much time for sewing or scrap-booking or any other crafting in a while, and I'd love to - but those are things I do at home, in the kitchen and I'd end up getting lunches and drinks and snacks for kids, and doing laundry while I work on it and feeling guilty for being home and not getting other things done.

Blah. It's just a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

How do you balance work and home life? How do you get your kids (or your husband!!) to pitch in more without being naggy? What do you do to recharge, to get away, to re-balance? What have you learned to let go of? What won't you ever let go of?


Edited to add this quote I just saw:


Note to self (again and again and again):


“Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.”

—

Groucho Marx

I'm kind of a snob.

I am.

I believe in eating from scratch. I believe in buying local. Organic when necessary (and it's not always).

I've mentioned before that this has been a long, evolving road for me. A journey that began just about 7 years ago.

We don't always eat healthy. Our meals are not always the perfect picture of nutrition. When I make bread, it's white flour bread. We have homemade pizza nights often. It's not unusual to have chips in our pantry.

I try to follow a 90/10 rule at home. If you eat well 90% of the time, I won't worry about the other 10%. Especially when I have a semi-resistant husband and two children who have all sorts of outside influences on their diets and 'wants'. You drink water and milk at home, and I won't start twitching when you grab a soda at Nana's house. It's a treat. You eat vegetables with lunch and dinner and I won't hyperventilate over your cereal in the morning (which is mostly limited to bran and oat cereals anyway, but they're still nutritional jokes).

I've been re-evaluating my own diet. Too many processed carbs. Too much sugar.

I'll be the first to admit that at home, scratch cooking isn't always healthy. But I will always maintain that it's way, way better than what you'll buy in the store, processed.

Anyway. I get annoyed, borderline angry  even, when I read articles or hear people say that healthy eating cost too much. That buying fresh foods is not affordable or realistic. I have to laugh at some of the meal plans people put together when they are doing foodstamp experiments and trying to eat healthy. Part of what bothers me - is then that notion gets passed down and around and it's just taken as fact that it's just not possible for people on small budgets. That healthy eating is for the rich.

Look. I know it takes practice. It's taken me 7 years to get where I am, and I'm still learning. I know it takes dedication. But I am sick.to.death. of people saying it can't be done. Yes, it can.

We survive, every month, on a below poverty level - foodstamp level type budget. Our budget varies between about 250-400 a month for a family of 4 (with a 6'4 husband and 2 growing young boys). And following my 90/10 rule, I'd say 90% of what we buy is local and/or organic and non-processed.

Now, I understand that I'm pretty lucky. We have several great grocery stores. Before we moved they were within 10 minutes of each other and my home, now it's about a 20-30 minute one way drive (and yes, I'm fortunate to have a car to drive there). I also realize I am very lucky to have a fantastic year round farmers market, with plenty of fresh fruits and veggies, local/organic/grass-fed meats and dairy. I realize how fortunate I am, and that in some areas buying healthy is more expensive and harder to obtain.

But I still believe it can be done. And I'll tell you all about it until you want to hit me. I can get preachy. But it's because I'm so damn passionate about it. I don't mean to preach, I mean to be helpful and encouraging. No one, ever should have to settle for sub-standard food. No matter what their income level is.

Now, if you're just not interested in changing - you just don't care about these things - then that's fine. What pisses  me off, is when people laugh at the notion of  living this kind of lifestyle (as unreasonable). Or insist it can't be done. Or when they say they can't. Because they can.

And here's where I become a snob:

"I don't have time". Make time. That's an excuse and a poor one at that. I work 10-12 hour days. I'm not even home for dinner 4 nights a week. Yet almost every single night, I have a home-cooked meal on the table for my family. Get a slow-cooker. Make ahead. Use your freezer properly. If you have time to use the computer, watch tv, take your kids to 5 different sports/classes - you have time to cook from scratch. You just don't want to. Because you aren't willing to give up something else to make the time for it.

"It's too expensive" If you're buying organic junk food, maybe. How much is a bag of potato chips? 2.50? How much is a bag of potatoes? I can get them on sale (non-organic) for 1.99 for 5 lbs. Organic might cost 4.99 for 5 lbs. I wonder how many chips you can make from 5 lbs of potatoes? Probably a lot more than what you buy off the shelf.  Shannon Hayes (who I'll be posting on later this week) addresses the expense argument in her new book "The Farmer and the Grill". I may pay slightly more for the meat I buy at the farmers market, but I know that my food dollars are being used wisely. They are supporting local economy. They are refusing to buy from factory farms and big corporations, they say "I don't support these practices". The meats I buy are healthier. They are naturally leaner and contain more vitamins than conventional meat. Yeah, I think they are worth the extra cost. My family is worth the extra couple of dollars. If you find it to be too much - adjust your diet. Eat less meat. Simple.

So, yeah. I'm a snob. I can't stand the excuses people make to defend their unwillingness to invest in their health and their families health and well-being.

If you don't have a good grocery store near by, start petitioning for one. Get your neighborhood involved, make it known you want and need a store in your area.  Don't have a local farmers market? Are you sure? Check out Local Harvest to see what's available in your area. Even check Craigslist. Still no luck? Start a community garden. Or if you have even the tiniest backyard or balcony, start your own garden.

Start small. You don't need to overhaul your diet and your habits overnight. Start by buying off the dirty dozen. Start by buying one product local/organic. I started with ground beef only, since it was so cheap. Now 95% of the meat I buy is from a local farmer. What about local/organic eggs? An extra dollar a week.

Not used to cooking from scratch? Again, start small. Make meatballs. Make extra and put some in your freezer. You don't need to start off making cheese your first week cooking from scratch (or hell - ever!).

Don't have time? Look into Once-a-Month cooking, or big batch cooking. I've never had a lot of luck with this, but it works for a lot of people. You spend one day making and freezing your meals for a month (or week, or 2 weeks). Or, when you do cook - just make extra and throw it in your freezer for the nights the kids have sports and your home late from work. You don't have to rely on take-out, just your own freezer or fridge.

There are so many ways, so many resources, so much information out there. I simply can't stand hearing "I can't", "I don't have time", "It's too expensive". What I'm really hearing is: "I won't".

“Those who say it can't be done are usually interrupted by others doing it.”

                                                                                                  ~James Arthur Baldwin

Weeks Review

I know, I've been neglecting this blog a bit lately. My real life is often mirrored here. Some days or weeks I have so much to say - so many ideas, inspirations every where and I'm busy making, doing, moving. And other weeks I withdraw a bit. I spend more time reading and moving in different ways - like washing and folding and cleaning and painting.

Writing this blog has made those rhythms in my life very clear (to me). Sure, sometimes I'm quiet here because I'm busy but those times are usually followed by a burst of thoughts and ideas and pictures and things.

This week or so I've been quiet because I've been cleaning out clothing and books. Catching up on laundry. Reading and reading more. Napping. Being sick (again?!). I'm trying something new with my diet. I've been planning and reflecting. Weeks like this are a strange sort of meditation for me. I've even scaled way back on baking and cooking in general. Sometimes I get frustrated when I have these natural slow downs, but I'm starting realize that they're needed. My body and my mind know what they need to do, and I need to just trust and flow with it. I don't have to be doing a zillion things at once.

We met our across the street neighbor this past weekend. I've been eying his house for a while. I knew already that he was an older Italian man who called every woman "pretty lady" and he had animals and grew a lot of food. He came over the other afternoon and we got talking for quite a while. He's 75, but looks much, much younger. He's lived here for over 40 years but still has a very thick accent and broken English. We got to see his land. Little gardens spread out everywhere. He picked some asparagus, I've never had it fresh picked and raw. It was delicious! He gave me some garlic greens fresh out of the ground to bring home. He has sheep and chickens and peacocks and turkeys and a giant pig and 2 beautiful steer. He called them, and they came right up to us! (on the other side of a small wire fence). It was absolutely amazing.

He offered us use of almost all his farm equipment, should we need it. We showed him our small garden and he said something along the lines of people need to learn to garden from other people - it needs to be passed down and shown. When he was showing us his turkeys (he has two) he told us he used to have 10, but he gave them away for Thanksgiving last year. He said (again I'm paraphrasing - he was difficult to understand) that when you have too much you should never waste anything, you should always give it to people who don't have enough. When showing us his animals (which are pasture raised and supplemented with grain) he kept telling us how they need to eat well, so he can eat well. That if you eat well, and keep moving you'll live a long, long time.

Then, he also made a couple of pretty racist comments. Being raised in a totally different time from him - where comments like that are shocking and wrong, I wasn't sure how to respond. So I just didn't. He didn't say it meanly, if that makes sense. Just as regular conversation. It was so strange. And the fact is, that's how he was raised. He was from a generation where that was normal. We were segregated. Talk like that was not shocking. It disappointed me a little. Here's this guy who was so friendly and did all these things I admire and then he's flat out racist. Strange, strange.

This is about 3 weeks ago, so they're much bigger now!

Most of my seeds are doing well. I think I over watered some and didn't move them to bigger pots soon enough 'cause I lost a couple - but overall they're looking good. We still have a few more weeks before the danger of frost is past (in the 30's last night and tonight) but I hope to have the garden ready to go in the next week or so. My garden looks especially little after visiting our neighbors! But of course, he built up his land over 40 years - not all at once. Small steps.

Judging.

Someone wrote me a love letter, and I read it today. It was extremely flattering and had me blushing like crazy behind my computer. It was beautiful, and meant a lot coming from the person who wrote it. Thank you so very much!

I saw and read this letter minutes after I finished a conversation that had my blood boiling. That conversation was also about me (sort of) but not nearly as nice!

The Husband I have friends who just had baby. Long story short, we've helped them in every way we could in preparation for the baby.

Apparently, they have been angry at us for a little while (maybe a week or two) because they think we judge them. I won't go into the details of their private life, but the truth is: yes. Yes, we have judged a few decisions they have made. Personally, I have kept my mouth shut on certain things and on others, I responded as delicately as possible. There's no need to debate over things with a new mother.

The fact is, that even though I do judge some things - I know full well that it is not my life. It is not my family. It is not my baby. It is not up to me.

So yes, they have made several decisions that I would not have made. One that I cringed at. Not because I think they are bad parents, or bad people - otherwise I wouldn't be friends with them.

And I understand it's upsetting to have someone judge something you do. I don't like to be judged. But if you are confident in your choices, then it shouldn't matter what I think about them. Because it doesn't. Like I said, it's none of my business. All it is, is a disagreement on how we would do things.

I know, I went on and on about SAHM's and being judged and here I am now - judging. I think partly, it's human nature (I hope - I'm not a total bitch am I?!) but also - what is so wrong with gently disagreeing with someone?!

What gets me, about these friends being upset - is not that they are upset but that they didn't tell us. They festered on it. And I usually take great care to say things as gently as possible. My husband is blunt. I am not. And in this case I was extraordinarily sensitive to the fact that she just had a baby and that the wrong words would come across as hurtful, even if they weren't meant to be. I'm not totally callous and heartless!

Once upon a time - I didn't judge anyone. I just didn't. I could care less what other people were doing. The older I get, the more judgmental I get. I don't know why.

I think it was myspace debate groups. And, I just don't like tip-toeing around people anymore.

Like, I don't understand why people who have children with high functioning autism or ADD will put their kids on a million drugs, or invest the time and effort into behavioral therapy but refuse to look at altering their child's diet. Now, I know. I've never been there. I've never had to live daily life with a child with special needs. I've never had the phone calls from school. But there's proof that a diet modification can alleviate (not cure!) symptoms in many of these kids. So why do people refuse to try it? Why, why, why?

See? Judgmental.

And I've done my share of things to be judged about. I've done some stupid things.

But again, does it really matter what I think? Not at all. I may think certain things, I may judge certain things - but I know at the end of the day, people are just doing what they can to get by. Life ain't always easy and I can't judge anyone for trying - for doing what they think is best (regardless of what I think is best).


So, I don't know. What are your thoughts on 'judging' and is it really even that as much as disagreeing? I have no idea.






PS  - I just found this quote on another blog and it feels quite fitting:

“A conversation is interesting to me when people are being genuine, when they’re more concerned with sharing difficult truths than with showing off… we’re all in the same boat. mysterious flesh-and-blood creatures, radiant and broken – and of course the boat is sinking, but there’s still time to share a story or two as the night comes on.” ~ Sy Safransky. The Sun Magazine




Edit: Ok, this was on my mind all last night and I woke up with it on my mind. As far as my friends that I used as the example, things are getting worked out. But I had planned on writing a post like this even before all that. I was going to add a ton of edits to this this morning - I was going to save this as a draft and come back to it later when it was less personal. I was going to make all sorts of changes and explain it better. But I'm going to leave it, because as imperfect as this post is - it's what was on my mind. I'm going to try not to over-explain myself like usual (but for more info read the comments!) :D
Anyway, before all this my original post was going to be about how I've gotten more judgmental as I've gotten older. I know I have. I don't know why. But the thing is, I rarely judge people. I judge (or have opinions on!!) actions. And unless the action goes against my idea of morals (like, I don't know, rape or something) or there are many, many actions that in turn become who that person is - then it doesn't matter.  Like breastfeeding, birthing, abortion, nutrition, spanking etc . . . etc . . . yes - I have strong opinions on all of those things. Yes I may raise my eyebrows or feel a certain way regarding some of those actions. But that doesn't mean that I judge the whole person based on that action. Does that make sense? And (like mentioned in the comments) is that judgmental at all? Or just difference of opinion?
I'm going to stop over-explaining myself now. I feel like I need to a lot, because apparently people take the things I say in a different way then I mean them on a fairly regular basis. So either people around me are too sensitive, or I suck at expressing myself. Maybe both.

Reading, and why it sucks

Ok, it doesn't really suck. I love reading. And I'm not a book snob, I'll read pretty much anything I can get my hands on. I just love to read. When I was little, I'd easily read a book a day. After I had my oldest I went through several years that I didn't read nearly as much, there just didn't seem to be time with raising him and going to school and working and . . . anyway. Now that my kids are older I've been reading a lot again the last few years.

The problem with books, for me, is I get lost in them. I mean totally absorbed. Dinner will go uncooked, laundry unwashed, children unnoticed. If I read at work I get cranky when I need to stop and actually do my job. Books have always affected me for a time after. Sometimes only a few minutes - others for days or weeks. Not just affected me - but took me over. Like I couldn't shake the story or the characters. I'd still be so absorbed in the story long after I was done reading it. Like Poisonwood Bible. Or the worst - last year when I read Jodi Picoult's Nineteen Minutes. I hated the book the whole time I was reading it. It made me sick, it made me sad but I couldn't put it down. When I finally finished I was so upset I wanted it out of my house. I didn't want it anywhere around me. I couldn't shake that story for a long, long time. I've read touching/engrossing books by her before - but this one affected me in a completely different way. I haven't read anything by her since and it will probably be a long time before I do again.

I get in a fiction reading mood for a few months every year, mostly I read things like Radical Homemakers, Backyard Homesteading etc. . . how to sort of books. Or non-fiction like Animal Vegetable Miracle.

But, I've been in a mood for fiction, I've got a stack of them I'm working through. Last week I read The Future Homemakers of America. It was alright, but I didn't feel like I loved the characters. In someways that was good, because I wasn't that drawn into it. But then it's not a great book I guess, right?

Yesterday I started Maeve Binchy's Tara Road. I finished it today. I'm having a hard time shaking this one too. Not because it was traumatic or horrible. I was hoping for something a little on the lighter side and the front of this book claims "The heartwarming New York Times Bestseller". Well, I'll tell ya - it wasn't at all heartwarming. The whole book was heartbreak after heartbreak. And sure it was all pulled together, sort of, by the end - but not good enough. Like life I guess. But it bothers me. If you haven't read it I won't ruin it. I see a little of myself in it, and I don't know how I feel about that. Even though the book isn't at all heartwarming in my opinion and there is a reoccurring theme of betrayal and infidelity, it did somehow have me wanting to run home and curl up with my husband every time I opened it to read it.

I don't know why other peoples stories affect me so much. They do, terribly though. There's the obvious, like news stories and real life tragedies. Though I somehow feel that I am bothered more by them then most people. I've started censoring what news stories I watch, especially when it comes to child abuse/pain/suffering. I think it's disgusting how people's pain and tragedy and grief is thrown out there, on display for people to gawk at and it's all done in the name of news. Blah.

But I'm also strangely affected by fictional stories. I don't know why. I can't seem to take something in and let it go like most people.

I used to think I wanted to be a counselor. Then I realized I was in no way strong enough for that. So then I thought social worker - but in many ways that's "worse". So here I am, almost 30 answering phones for a living because I'm too weak to go and do something I'd be good at.

Anyway.

Some one recommend some light-heated, real heartwarming books to me so I can stop analyzing things and get back to enjoying Spring! :D