the countdown begins!

It's officially less than one month before I hit the big three-oh. I'm coming to terms with it. Sort of.

Remember that list I made? 30 before I'm 30

Well, I'm pretty sure I won't hit them all. But I'm making progress! Lets see how many more I can cross off in the next month!


Updated 30 things to do before I turn 30

1. Have another baby (haha) ok, how about get pregnant? I doubt my husband reads this, but if he does he's probably rolling on the floor laughing right now. I don't care, it's still on my list. :) update 7/13: this ones still not even close! It's staying on the list though! ha!

2. Make progress with knitting. I finally (after YEARS!) learned to knit. But just knit. Next step purl! And by the time I turn 30 - how about a hat? (We'll save socks for 31) 7/13 - haven't touched anything to do with knitting in months. I still have a month though . . .

3. Go skiing. I've never been, and now we live about 2.5 seconds from a skiing hill and the kids get reduced passes for Friday nights through school. Time to learn. 7/13 - we didn't do downhill, but we did cross country in February. It counts!

4. Sew a quilt. A real one, with quilting and everything. I've done the tied quilts, but I want to actually hand stitch the quilting on one. It may take a while, I should start that right about now. 7/13 - the sewing stuff is in the process of being brought up to my room for a permanent space. Hope to start this in the next week.

5. Fill my freezer with home-made convenience foods. I always start, but never follow through. I may have a lasagna floating around, or some cookies - but I want a nice supply of ready and homemade things to pull out in a hurry. 7/13 - not there yet, but have made some progress. I'm actually looking at a pressure canner to help with the homemade convenience foods, I think I'll make a nice dent on this in the next month.

6. Decide what I want to do with my life. I mean, what I really want is to just stay home and have babies and cook and sew. Really. But, I don't think that's in the cards. I don't love what I do now, and I want to. By the time I'm 30 I want at least a plan on how I want to spend the rest of my life earning a living. I don't need to worry about the practicalities now, but I want to get the gears going. Update: 4/6 - I've been looking into holistic nutrition degrees, we'll see where that leads me. 7/13 - Think I'm going to start at SU for a registered dietician degree. I hope to be taking classes within the next year.

7. Stop my tooth/dental obsession. It's stupid and I'm not going to go into a ton of detail here, but it's really awful and affecting my daily life. I need to find a way to end this. Update: 4/6 - not completely gone, but probably 50% better. I got a night bite guard which has been helping tremendously with pain.

8. Lose more of the "baby" weight (unless of course, goal #1 happens!) It's been six years - six years - since my youngest was born. I gained 80 lbs with him and have only lost half. For most of my 20's I have been overweight, out of shape, and unhappy about it. I accept I will never be a size 0 again. I don't want to be a size 0 again, I just want to love, or at least be happy with, what I see in the mirror. I can love my stretchmarks. I can love that little bulge below my belly where the skin stretched and will probably never be flat again. I can not keep accepting and will not love a body that I'm not proud of. I need to get moving and stay with it. I need to stop making excuses. I need to make some changes and get back to loving this body of mine.7/13 - Making progress. I'm down about 15 lbs, I have around 15 more to go.

9. Stay smoke free. It's been a year, but I've had a couple here and there and sadly, it's still an ongoing battle to stay cigarette free. This needs to be a yearly (daily?!) goal for me still. Update 4/6 - having a very occasional cigarette, when around people who smoke and I'm having a few drinks. Tried to have one the other night at a bar - and tossed it a couple drags in. Gross! 7/13 Um. I'm still smoking when I have a few drinks. It's summer. It's hard. I still have no desire to really smoke again though

10. Take more risks. I'm going generic on this one. I don't have anything specific in mind. Maybe it'll be my hair again. Maybe I'll skydive. Maybe I'll simply say yes when I want to say no. I just want to stop playing it so safe all the time (within reason of course ;D).7/13 - ok. kinda. Nothing drastic. No skydiving. But, I think I've been a little more 'go with it' lately.

11. Take a class. I don't know what kind yet, and I don't care. I've been out of school for too long, and working at a mundane job. I need to get out and learn again. Maybe I'll continue my accounting classes, maybe I'll take a nutrition class, maybe I'll take a knitting class. I don't know yet, but I'm going to do something.

12.Get a massage. The Husband and I promised ourselves when we quit smoking, we would treat ourselves to a massage every 2-3 months. It's been a year and we haven't had one. What am I waiting for?

13. Get a manicure and pedicure. My first one ever was before my wedding 2 years ago. I haven't had one since. Why not? Sometimes it's ok to splurge a little and get pampered. I'm not a very girly girl - but I walked out of there feeling like a million bucks. Why wait for another special occasion. It being a Thursday is just as good a reason as anything else.  Treated to one by my MIL over Christmas!

14. Wear a bathing suit, in public. Even when I was a size 0 I would wear a t-shirt and shorts over my suit. Why? Why? I had no idea how fleeting that body and that youth was. I haven't worn a suit (shorts or not) since my youngest was born. I don't want to be sitting here in another 10 years wishing I had only loved my body then. I mean, who cares? I haven't gone swimming in years - and why? ugh. 7/13 - did it last week on vacation. I wore shorts with my suit  but it's a start! I even went swimming and on water slides. Haven't done that in 10 or 15 years!

15. Don't use the computer or TV for a week. I'd have to use it for typing orders at work, but I don't need to go on myspace, facebook, tumblr, blogger. I don't need to look up recipes, check the news online (or on TV). It's too easy to get sucked in. No excuses. Aside from typing orders - no computer and no TV for at least one week. Radio is ok. Update: I have done a computer free 2 weeks, over Christmas, with limited TV but haven't yet completed a week without using either!

16. Go see a play, even just at Syracuse Stage. Every year we give tickets as gifts, and yet we never go.

17. Watch football just once with The Husband. And I mean really watch it. Don't read or knit or sew. He likes it, and it wouldn't kill me to show a real interest in it just once in my life. Update: Oops. Football season is over!

18. Visit my nanny and poppy and grandma. I haven't seen any of them in two years.

19. Make another wine.      Mixed berry wine currently fermenting!

20. Find a new favorite restaurant locally. We moved away from our tried and true favorite place. We need to find a new one here.

21. Go bowling. I haven't in ages, and I really like it.

22. Read a book a month. I used to read several books a week, and the older I get - the less I read.   Update 4/6 -I've been reading a book a week at least, with no signs of slowing down.7/13 - Joining my MIL to see if we can read the TIME top 100 novels of all time

23. Pay off my credit card  ---  Update 4/6 - Paid off 2/3's of the balance - almost there!!

24. Paint the wall length bookshelf in the living room

25. Replace kitchen lights

26. Wine Tour. We've talked about doing this for a few years, a girls weekend wine tour. And we haven't. And won't. I want to plan this one for my birthday weekend.

27. Get up at 6 instead of 6:30, so we have more than an hour to get ready in the morning, so I can actually make a real breakfast for the kids instead of having them grab cereal (again). 7/13 -  I don't know how much it counts, because I have work at 7am now, but I've been getting up at 5-5:30, now I just have to keep that going once I switch back to nights!

28. Join a CSA    7/13 - Not going to do this. My garden is producing nicely, and I like the rhythm of a weekly trip to the farmers market.

29. Order a half a cow for the freezer

30. Go hiking at at least 3 new places.

And because I thought of one more

31. Increase my running time.




So there it is. Remember my quote from this week? Yeah, I procrastinate! One month left . . .

the day-to-day

This morning my alarm went off at 6am. I haven't seen 6am in two weeks, though I have seen 3 and 4am a couple of times!

Back to work this morning. It's not that I hate my job, really. I'm actually very lucky, I work with wonderful people. My job is not usually demanding (though there are times . . .) In fact, I'm typing this at work right now.

It's not a secret that I want to stay home and have babies and hang laundry on the line and cook dinner every night and the little monotonous things about every day life. I want all that so bad it hurts, really. I don't know when that happened. Once upon a time I didn't want children. Then I had my oldest and I didn't want more, then sometime in the year or so before having my youngest I decided I wanted a lot more. Somewhere along the line strong-headed, stubborn, feminist me decided I just wanted to stay home and have babies. Lots of them.

My youngest is now 6. Six. There are various reasons I haven't had more since then, and all of them are perfectly logical and reasonable. But my biological clock is neither logical or reasonable. It is cranky. And loud, and louder by the year. I'll be 30 this year. I know that's not old, but when you have your first child as young as I did, 30 seems so final. Too late. Seems with every tick-tock the desire gets stronger, but is also followed by a growing resignation, a quiet little voice letting me know that it might just not be meant to be.

The problem is, I don't know where that leaves me. The plan, or my plan anyway, was always to work until The Husband finished school. And then he would get a job and I'd stay home for a couple of years and raise the babies and do the domestic goddess gig and then maybe work part time for a few years, or finally start selling things at the local flea market, or something. And now it's been 5 years. And The Husband is nearing the end of his schooling. And now, for some reason, that dream seems farther away than it was five years ago. I'm not quite sure how to come to terms with that, and I'm not quite sure where to go next.

I don't want to work here forever, at least not in this position as simple and usually enjoyable as it is. I don't love it. I'm not passionate about it. I could go back to school, upgrade on my accounting and business degrees. But that doesn't really move me either. I could go for holistic nutrition or, I dunno, something else. But I'm just not feeling it. It's not that I'm lazy or unmotivated. I'm not interested in climbing a corporate ladder, and I've always been ok with that - but I just don't feel interested in anything career wise. I'm so blinded by wanting to raise a family that nothing else gets me inspired or moving. Even the things I'm passionate about, sustainable food (cooking, nutrition, budgeting etc . . .), crafting etc. . . all of those things have become family motivated.

I don't actually have a problem with that. I know some women don't like the idea of being that centered around their family that they forget outside interests or whatever, but it's not that I've forgotten them, they've just shifted. I'm in the middle of my family life. My kids are 11 and 6. I think it makes sense that they are my center right now, you know?

I don't know. This isn't at all what I meant to write today. But that's okay, I guess. That's part of the reason I started blogging. I don't often take the time to write this stuff down anymore, to journal. And really, it helps me get it all sorted out in my head or even if it doesn't, it feels good to let it out.

30 things before I turn 30

Taking another (brilliant) post idea from my friend Sara over at Handy Hooker -

I turn 30 in 8 1/2 months. I'm not really feeling too excited about that. Maybe if I had a countdown? ;D

I already did the green goals in the last post, so I won't repeat any of those here. 

30 things to do before I turn 30

1. Have another baby (haha) ok, how about get pregnant? I doubt my husband reads this, but if he does he's probably rolling on the floor laughing right now. I don't care, it's still on my list. :)

2. Make progress with knitting. I finally (after YEARS!) learned to knit. But just knit. Next step purl! And by the time I turn 30 - how about a hat? (We'll save socks for 31)

3. Go skiing. I've never been, and now we live about 2.5 seconds from a skiing hill and the kids get reduced passes for Friday nights through school. Time to learn.

4. Sew a quilt. A real one, with quilting and everything. I've done the tied quilts, but I want to actually hand stitch the quilting on one. It may take a while, I should start that right about now.

5. Fill my freezer with home-made convenience foods. I always start, but never follow through. I may have a lasagna floating around, or some cookies - but I want a nice supply of ready and homemade things to pull out in a hurry.

6. Decide what I want to do with my life. I mean, what I really want is to just stay home and have babies and cook and sew. Really. But, I don't think that's in the cards. I don't love what I do now, and I want to. By the time I'm 30 I want at least a plan on how I want to spend the rest of my life earning a living. I don't need to worry about the practicalities now, but I want to get the gears going. Update: 4/6 - I've been looking into holistic nutrition degrees, we'll see where that leads me.

7. Stop my tooth/dental obsession. It's stupid and I'm not going to go into a ton of detail here, but it's really awful and affecting my daily life. I need to find a way to end this. Update: 4/6 - not completely gone, but probably 50% better. I got a night bite guard which has been helping tremendously with pain.

8. Lose more of the "baby" weight (unless of course, goal #1 happens!) It's been six years - six years - since my youngest was born. I gained 80 lbs with him and have only lost half. For most of my 20's I have been overweight, out of shape, and unhappy about it. I accept I will never be a size 0 again. I don't want to be a size 0 again, I just want to love, or at least be happy with, what I see in the mirror. I can love my stretchmarks. I can love that little bulge below my belly where the skin stretched and will probably never be flat again. I can not keep accepting and will not love a body that I'm not proud of. I need to get moving and stay with it. I need to stop making excuses. I need to make some changes and get back to loving this body of mine.

9. Stay smoke free. It's been a year, but I've had a couple here and there and sadly, it's still an ongoing battle to stay cigarette free. This needs to be a yearly (daily?!) goal for me still. Update 4/6 - having a very occasional cigarette, when around people who smoke and I'm having a few drinks. Tried to have one the other night at a bar - and tossed it a couple drags in. Gross!

10. Take more risks. I'm going generic on this one. I don't have anything specific in mind. Maybe it'll be my hair again. Maybe I'll skydive. Maybe I'll simply say yes when I want to say no. I just want to stop playing it so safe all the time (within reason of course ;D).

11. Take a class. I don't know what kind yet, and I don't care. I've been out of school for too long, and working at a mundane job. I need to get out and learn again. Maybe I'll continue my accounting classes, maybe I'll take a nutrition class, maybe I'll take a knitting class. I don't know yet, but I'm going to do something.

12.Get a massage. The Husband and I promised ourselves when we quit smoking, we would treat ourselves to a massage every 2-3 months. It's been a year and we haven't had one. What am I waiting for?

13. Get a manicure and pedicure. My first one ever was before my wedding 2 years ago. I haven't had one since. Why not? Sometimes it's ok to splurge a little and get pampered. I'm not a very girly girl - but I walked out of there feeling like a million bucks. Why wait for another special occasion. It being a Thursday is just as good a reason as anything else.  Treated to one my my MIL over Christmas!

14. Wear a bathing suit, in public. Even when I was a size 0 I would wear a t-shirt and shorts over my suit. Why? Why? I had no idea how fleeting that body and that youth was. I haven't worn a suit (shorts or not) since my youngest was born. I don't want to be sitting here in another 10 years wishing I had only loved my body then. I mean, who cares? I haven't gone swimming in years - and why? ugh.

15. Don't use the computer or TV for a week. I'd have to use it for typing orders at work, but I don't need to go on myspace, facebook, tumblr, blogger. I don't need to look up recipes, check the news online (or on TV). It's too easy to get sucked in. No excuses. Aside from typing orders - no computer and no TV for at least one week. Radio is ok. Update: I have done a computer free 2 weeks, over Christmas, with limited TV but haven't yet completed a week without using either!

16. Go see a play, even just at Syracuse Stage. Every year we give tickets as gifts, and yet we never go.

17. Watch football just once with The Husband. And I mean really watch it. Don't read or knit or sew. He likes it, and it wouldn't kill me to show a real interest in it just once in my life. Update: Oops. Football season is over!

18. Visit my nanny and poppy and grandma. I haven't seen any of them in two years.

19. Make another wine.      Mixed berry wine currently fermenting!

20. Find a new favorite restaurant locally. We moved away from our tried and true favorite place. We need to find a new one here.

21. Go bowling. I haven't in ages, and I really like it.

22. Read a book a month. I used to read several books a week, and the older I get - the less I read.   Update 4/6 -I've been reading a book a week at least, with no signs of slowing down.

23. Pay off my credit card  ---  Update 4/6 - Paid off 2/3's of the balance - almost there!!

24. Paint the wall length bookshelf in the living room

25. Replace kitchen lights

26. Wine Tour. We've talked about doing this for a few years, a girls weekend wine tour. And we haven't. And won't. I want to plan this one for my birthday weekend.

27. Get up at 6 instead of 6:30, so we have more than an hour to get ready in the morning, so I can actually make a real breakfast for the kids instead of having them grab cereal (again).

28. Join a CSA

29. Order a half a cow for the freezer

30. Go hiking at at least 3 new places.

And because I thought of one more

31. Increase my running time.

It looks like now (following these links) that everyone has done a ____ before I'm ____ using one less number than their age. But I'm, like, so original I'll do one more than my age. ha!

What about you?