me. I'm usually the one behind the camera, so there are few pictures of me, and even fewer full body ones, so this is what ya get! This was from Christmas this year.
I'm sick to death of thinking about my weight. I'm sick of talking about it. I'm sick of hearing it in my head and in my mouth.
But, I'm going to talk about it here - now, anyway.
Once upon a time I was skinny. I was skinny before I had my oldest child. I gained 70 pounds with him, lost it all and more. I was even skinnier after I had him.
And I know that was a fluke. I'm not built to be a size 0. I was, for a short period of time. But my body isn't made to be like that. I was raising a toddler, being a single mom, going to school full time and working almost full time and carrying around someone elses secret. It wasn't healthy thin. I looked and felt best between a size 4 and a 6.
I got pregnant with my youngest and gained 80 pounds. I didn't worry for a second - though I used to leave my awful, horrible doctors crying after they teased me about it. I walked a ton, I had quit smoking, I gained a lot with a previous pregnancy and lost it. I was not overly concerned. I was also young and invincible. And craved vanilla soft serve ice cream daily.
Man, if I only I knew then. I would have eaten way less ice cream. And changed doctors. I still hate that place. Hmph.
So, almost 7 years have gone by since my youngest was born. Since then I have bounced between a size 8 and 14.
I've smoked and quit and smoked and quit which doesn't help the weight bounce. I've been (for the most part) smoke free for 18 months now.
I used to mod a Love Your Belly group. I'm way into body acceptance. I really am. I wish I hadn't unintentionally deleted that group when I left myspace. There were so many beautiful thoughts and images and people in there.
But as much as I preach 'loving your belly' I have the hardest time doing it with myself. Even when I was itty bitty tiny, I used to pinch at the skin on my stomach and claim fat. :sigh: If only I knew what I had then.
I could go on about media and societal standards and blah blah blah. But I won't. Not because I don't think all that's true - it is.
But, I am also going on 30. I know all the rules of a healthy diet and healthy lifestyle. I can't say I'm brainwashed by unrealistic expectations of beauty. I don't think I am.
I just don't feel good in this skin. I haven't in 7 years. I've done the weight watchers. I've run. I've worked out with Jillian Micheals in my living room. I hike. I walk. I've done low fat, I've dabbled in low carb.
I think part of it is my job. After I had Colin I started working at a desk job. I sit 10-12 hours 4 days a week. Before, I was on my feet 6-10 hours a day.
Before, I lived off fast food, cigarettes and coffee. I was not healthy. Not even a little bit. I was sleep deprived and nutritionally deprived. But I was skinny! Hooray!
So yeah, a big part of the problem is I just don't move enough. I try. I'm walking in the mornings. I'm walking on my lunch. I pace the halls at work at night. I've been hiking the hill behind my house a few days a week.
But the bigger problem is I've grown to love food. I love growing it. I love going to the farmers market and selecting it. I love finding recipes and preparing food. And of course, I love eating food.
And I eat too much food. I was raised a member of the clean plate club, and to this day if there is food in front of me - I'll keep eating it. That's a hard habit to break.
Oh, and wine. I love wine. Lots of wine. That's not so good for the waist line either.
I was talking with The Husband about this the other day. (He's put on a few pounds of his own!) And he says at least it's a different kind of weight. It's a healthier weight than a fast food lifestyle weight. And I can see that.
But in the end it's still excess weight. And I still don't like it.
But damn, it's hard to lose.
Another thing I realized recently is that I am carb addict. I eat entirely way too many. I am not a fan of restricting carbs - but eating the correct amount is not restricting. Do you know what I packed for work today (a 12 hour shift)? This is actually embarrassing. Yogurt and frozen berries. A half a grapefruit and an orange. Leftover homemade pizza and bread sticks from last night (two of each), leftover spaghetti with a bacon and roasted red pepper sauce (from Evans night to cook).
I wanted to pack a couple slices of homemade bread and jam too - but I was looking - and pizza, bread sticks and spaghetti? No wonder I can't lose weight, huh?
Now, I don't want to be a size 0 again. Not even a 4 (though I did keep one pair of 5's that I would love to get in again). I don't even know if I have a size in mind. I just want to feel good. I want to feel strong. I want to feel healthy. I want to feel comfortable in my own body.
But in the meantime, this is the body I have. And I want to like it. I want to love it. Loving my belly, my body doesn't mean I have to love being unhealthy. But it's not doing me any good to spend years of my life wishing it was another way.
Maybe I'm getting there. I gained 10 pounds in February (whiskey!), putting me up to (gawd, I can't believe I'm admitting this!) 160.5 pounds. I'm 5'3, so that's a lot of weight on a short frame.
That's close to my post pregnancy high of 172 when I quit smoking last year (my highest was exactly 200 when I gave birth). I don't even know how much I weighed at my thinnest. I never cared. I know I was about 130 as a size 7, so I always estimate about 115-120 at my smallest.
Anyway. So I'm fat. But I don't feel 160. I don't know if that's a good thing or a delusional thing. I don't feel thin - for sure. But I don't feel bad. Maybe it's the additional walking.
So, I don't know. I don't know what to do from here. Everything I've been doing isn't working. I do know when I switched to full fat foods in September I lost 10 pounds. I had spent the summer dieting and running and didn't lose an ounce - but once I stopped and switched to full fat I was melting off weight. So there's something.
I know what I want to do. My eating is healthy enough. Real foods, whole foods. I just eat too much. I know that. But I stink at tracking calories. Cause it's a pain in butt. Plus - who wants to spend their life tracking what they eat? I just want to enjoy what I eat. There has to be a balance. There has to be a way to lose weight (and not gain it back!) and eat real food! I mean it seems common sense, right? Drink less wine (no!) eat less food (wah!) less bread, more veggies (did you notice I didn't pack a single vegetable today?! I do have some green beans in the freezer at work though). It sounds easy. It should be easy. Eat less, move more. Why do we pay people for diet programs when it's common sense? I don't know. I just know it's never as easy as I think it will be.
Well, this is a whole long self indulgent post about nothing. I don't know how anyone reads this crap (but thanks, if you do!)
I don't know. Maybe it's like the Dear Friend letter. Like a thousand other things I've posted on here (some of which work, many of which don't!) - maybe just saying - just getting it out there, will help with change.
I mean, can I really make changes when I whisper my weight - when I don't even admit to my husband what the scale says?
Maybe I should just throw out my scale?
I wonder what I would feel like, if I didn't know how much I weighed? All the diet programs say that you should weigh yourself weekly. Some say daily. The research says doing that keeps weight from creeping back on. But I wonder if the scale doesn't keep some people down, concentrating on a number or goal instead of how they feel? Maybe I'll put the scale away for a month, and see what I come back to when I'm not working towards number?
ps - most of those images? Hilda - discovered her several years ago. Love her.