Before yesterday, it appears I haven't posted at all since August. Oops.
Since then, Colin has wrapped up soccer, Evan has finished his first year of cross country, Andrew has gotten huge (19.5 lbs and 27 1/2inches at 16 weeks!) aaaaaaaaaaaaand I quit my job.
I still can't really believe it. I don't feel unemployed yet. And I certainly don't feel the way I thought I would. I feel . . . lazy.
I was always searching for a way to find my rhythm before, almost certain that if only I didn't have to work I would find it. That often work was in the way of my real life. Yet here I am - 2 weeks into what I've always wanted - and I'm lost.
And it occurs to me that maybe it wasn't just rhythm that I was looking for, that I needed. But balance. Rhythm too, for sure - but balance first.
Balance in the things I do. The foods I eat. The way I spend the moments that seem to be moving ever quicker.
I've never been good at creating balance in my life. There is always one thing that wins out over the others - and one thing that loses. Like the fabric I bought for a quilt for Andrew about 10 months ago? Still sitting on the sewing table.
I don't know that finding balance in my life means all things need to be equal. Certainly an infant will take up a larger piece of the day, and rightfully should. But that means that other things will have to be adjusted too. Less canning. Less cleaning. Finding time for more crafting to keep mama feeling centered. Give and take, finding what works for each day.
I really thought I could do it all, once I wasn't working. I came pretty close while I was working. Clean house, homecooked meals and . . . that was it. Even on days I was doing the right dance, feeling calm and peaceful - it wasn't long before something was lacking. Something was pushed away for too long.
I'm always tempted to write lists. To make plans. To be organized. And I have been jotting a list down, every day. But learning that it's ok to cross things off that haven't been done. To add things that should be done, simply because they are enjoyable. And to learn to let go - let go of clutter, of unnecessary tasks, of things I can not control and of the guilt that I somehow always feel when I can't do it all.
One book I have been re-reading, along this line of though, is Radical Homemakers by Shannon Hayes. I loved the book when I first read it, long before the reality of staying home was anywhere near and I'm reading it today with a new perspective.
In celebration of me quitting my job (haha) I'm doing a giveaway of Radical Homemakers, as well as The Rhythm of Family by Amanda Blake Soule.
The giveaway will run until 11/15 - you'll receive one entry for every new post commented on from now until then, and one entry for every old post that is commented on - up to a total of 6 entries per person.