Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Living Intentionally

I made a sort of sideways, or backwards, or whispered promise to myself several weeks ago to start living intentionally.

I'm making that promise to myself real. Now.

It seems like the older I get, the quicker the time goes by. The years are racing past. My babies are no longer babies. My twenties are almost gone.

When did I become a real live adult? And what have I done?

I had a breakdown of sorts a few weeks ago. It came up out of nowhere and startled even me. Luckily, my very best friend was there and just listened as we walked. Let me cry. Let me get it out. All sorts of things came flying, tumbling out. Things I didn't even realize I had boxed in. They all let loose, with no warning.

I'm glad though, that they did. I've been maintaining for a long time. Keeping things just under the invisible line of control. Keeping the scribbles just barely in the lines. It's hard sometimes, you know? To be everything to everybody. A mother. A daughter. A sister. A wife. A friend, an employee, the bill payer, the laundry washer, the dinner cooker, the grocery shopper, the garden planter. There are so many people that need me in so many different ways. Including me! I have piles of books I haven't read. Sewing projects I haven't finished, and yet I take on new hobbies. Why? I don't know. I can't really help myself. I like to do, I like to create.

What happens is I do things half way. Including raising my beautiful children sometimes. I can't do it all, and something, somewhere always gives. Bends. Breaks.

No more letting the days slide by and not recalling how they were, or what I did. No more letting myself get caught up in the chaos of doing things halfway. I don't want to look back in another 10 years and wonder where these years all went.
I want to really live each moment. I want to be present and aware for each wonderful moment.
I want to allow myself to really feel even the horrible moments. The sad ones, the angry ones. I don't want them to get shoved aside and built up until I have no control over them anymore.

I will do this. All the way.

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