Quote for the week.

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it.  But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it.  
~John Newton


I'm a worrier. It's only recently I realized this. I used to be told often, that I worried too much. That only annoyed me. Someone had to do the worrying, right? Someone had to care about the bills and things. I didn't worry unnecessarily. I worried about very legitimate things. It's only been in the past few years I've noticed I hear that often and from various people. And it's true. I worry about things that are happening. What will happen. How they'll happen. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. I journaled quite a bit growing up. I spent hours anaylzing things. Situations. People. I still do. When I have a problem, I like to talk about it over and over and over. I create different ways things could go, different ways of handling the problem. I don't want to get it wrong, you know?

I started worrying about my kids as teens while they were still in diapers. How would I have this conversation, or that conversation? I worry (and bite my tongue, usually) when they climb trees or wrestle. What if they break something? I'm no good with blood or emergencies. What if I was here alone? How would I handle it? My dad is no longer 5 minutes away, rushing to the rescue as I shove damp towels onto gashes in my childrens skin (yes, I've done that - thanks dad). 

I look back on all the stupid, dangerous stuff I did as a teen (I don't know how, since I was a worrier then too) and I worry about the stupid, dangerous stuff my kids will do. Things I'll never know about (and that's both scary and good - because, of course, then I'd worry after the fact about what could have happened).

I over-research and over analyze everything. I read everything I can about certain subjects, discuss it at great length with who ever will listen and mull over it for long periods of time. 

Once I realized that I was a worrier, I thought it was a new thing. Something that came about with growing up and paying bills and being a real live adult out on your own. But then, I remembered those teen years. The writing, the brooding. All the things I thought were normal teen things (and were, to a point). I remembered being pregnant with my oldest and spending hours and hours researching everything I could on pregnancy on the internet (which was a fairly new source of endless information). Reading books upon books upon books on pregnancy and labor and child rearing. Then I had kids, and I have been completly winging it ever since. 

I find that most of the time, I spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy learning everything I can about something - and then I just go wing it anyway. Children. Gardening. Cooking. Sewing. Truth is, when you're in the middle of it, you just do it. You make mistakes, you learn from them - and you just have to trust that in the end, everything will be ok. It won't matter how many books I read, or hours I spend worrying. It can all change in seconds.


So. I don't think this is anything new for me. I think it's just intensified as I've gotten older  - I've had more things to worry about!! But I used to be (a little more) carefree. The dishes could and would wait. I didn't worry about when they'd get done - they just would. Dirty bedrooms? No time - when the sun was shining I really had no other choice but to enjoy it.


I'm learning - I'm teaching myself - to (re)learn when to let go. I'll always be a worrier, I'm sure. It's in my nature. And sometimes it's good. It's practical. It keeps things running smoothly, it helps me be prepared. But there's a balance (there's the word of the year, huh?) that needs to be achieved. I need to take one day at a time. Everything else will fall into place. What else can it do? Things will happen or they won't. Unless I'm taking action, no amount of worrying will ever do anything.


Yesterday, I had a couple of hours alone, I visited a nearby organic farm and when I came home the sun had peeked out of an otherwise gray day. I began to get the laundry together - to rush to put it on the line. And instead, I stopped. I opened the window, laid down on the couch - and napped. The laundry never got done. It won't get done today, since I'm working 12 hours. It may not get done tomorrow. But it will get done. And there will be many more sunny days to hang it out on the line. Yesterday, I let go. And I napped. And I didn't even feel guilty.

Weeks Review

I know, I've been neglecting this blog a bit lately. My real life is often mirrored here. Some days or weeks I have so much to say - so many ideas, inspirations every where and I'm busy making, doing, moving. And other weeks I withdraw a bit. I spend more time reading and moving in different ways - like washing and folding and cleaning and painting.

Writing this blog has made those rhythms in my life very clear (to me). Sure, sometimes I'm quiet here because I'm busy but those times are usually followed by a burst of thoughts and ideas and pictures and things.

This week or so I've been quiet because I've been cleaning out clothing and books. Catching up on laundry. Reading and reading more. Napping. Being sick (again?!). I'm trying something new with my diet. I've been planning and reflecting. Weeks like this are a strange sort of meditation for me. I've even scaled way back on baking and cooking in general. Sometimes I get frustrated when I have these natural slow downs, but I'm starting realize that they're needed. My body and my mind know what they need to do, and I need to just trust and flow with it. I don't have to be doing a zillion things at once.

We met our across the street neighbor this past weekend. I've been eying his house for a while. I knew already that he was an older Italian man who called every woman "pretty lady" and he had animals and grew a lot of food. He came over the other afternoon and we got talking for quite a while. He's 75, but looks much, much younger. He's lived here for over 40 years but still has a very thick accent and broken English. We got to see his land. Little gardens spread out everywhere. He picked some asparagus, I've never had it fresh picked and raw. It was delicious! He gave me some garlic greens fresh out of the ground to bring home. He has sheep and chickens and peacocks and turkeys and a giant pig and 2 beautiful steer. He called them, and they came right up to us! (on the other side of a small wire fence). It was absolutely amazing.

He offered us use of almost all his farm equipment, should we need it. We showed him our small garden and he said something along the lines of people need to learn to garden from other people - it needs to be passed down and shown. When he was showing us his turkeys (he has two) he told us he used to have 10, but he gave them away for Thanksgiving last year. He said (again I'm paraphrasing - he was difficult to understand) that when you have too much you should never waste anything, you should always give it to people who don't have enough. When showing us his animals (which are pasture raised and supplemented with grain) he kept telling us how they need to eat well, so he can eat well. That if you eat well, and keep moving you'll live a long, long time.

Then, he also made a couple of pretty racist comments. Being raised in a totally different time from him - where comments like that are shocking and wrong, I wasn't sure how to respond. So I just didn't. He didn't say it meanly, if that makes sense. Just as regular conversation. It was so strange. And the fact is, that's how he was raised. He was from a generation where that was normal. We were segregated. Talk like that was not shocking. It disappointed me a little. Here's this guy who was so friendly and did all these things I admire and then he's flat out racist. Strange, strange.

This is about 3 weeks ago, so they're much bigger now!

Most of my seeds are doing well. I think I over watered some and didn't move them to bigger pots soon enough 'cause I lost a couple - but overall they're looking good. We still have a few more weeks before the danger of frost is past (in the 30's last night and tonight) but I hope to have the garden ready to go in the next week or so. My garden looks especially little after visiting our neighbors! But of course, he built up his land over 40 years - not all at once. Small steps.

Just what I needed

This morning, while reading  Earth Mama's blog, she made mention of a quote she had read on another blog, which led me to Old Recipe for a New World and to the quote:

When sitting, just sit.

When eating, just eat.

When walking, just walk.

When talking, just talk.

When listening, just listen.

When looking, just look.

When touching, just touch.

When thinking, just think.

When playing, just play.

And enjoy the feeling of each moment and each day.

 ~ Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn

 Oh my. How glad I am that I came across these words this morning. 

As you could probably tell from yesterdays post, I'm feeling a bit mixed up.

hello, sunshine

I've been on a journey to find balance, serenity, mindfulness in my life. And sometimes I feel like I'm really balancing it all. I'm walking along with my head held high, sure of my footing. I feel peaceful and happy and balanced.

And then all it takes is something small, to make my lose my footing and I waver or fall. 

I wonder if I'll ever get into a rhythm where I feel balanced most days, instead of the other way around. I hope so. I'm working towards it. And words like those above, goodness - they help. Deep breath, begin again.

"Breathe it all in slow, breathe all your doubts away"

                                                                                  ~ u-melt, question matters

Finding Rhythm

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I find it entering my conversations and tossing the words around in comments and posts.

I don't know that I've completely found my rhythm yet, but I think I'm getting there.

For a long time, I thought that routines didn't work for me. That it was best if I took things a moment at a time. I spent a lot of years stressed and frustrated and always scrambling for something.

Over the last few years, I have been falling into a sort of rhythm in my life. It's still shaping, it will probably always be changing - liquid. Flexible. But I am feeling it, definitely. I become more calm, more centered, more productive.

This past weekend, I wasn't feeling that way. My work schedule had changed a bit, a few of us were ill, I just couldn't seem to get things together. Couldn't get motivated. I've just felt out of sorts, emotional and tired. I fell out of our rhythm, out of our routine.

It's nothing written down, no guidelines really. It's like a groove, a dance with life. It's the continuity of the every day tasks. Gathering wood, stoking the fire, preparing food. The kids showers before breakfast, packing lunches. It's morning coffee, afternoon tea. The sun filtering through the front windows in the late afternoon.

I think that maybe the more you go through your day aware, instead of just through motions - the better chance you have of falling into place with things.

What do you consider the rhythm in your life? Is it your routines, are they strict? Is it the freedom of not having routines? What makes you feel present and aware and in tune with your life?

We do not remember the days . . .

We remember the moments.

How true.

I do remember the moments. My father often worked long, long hours when I was growing up. He also worked a rotating shift so the hours were always changing. Even after becoming management, he continued to put in the same hours often 10-12-16 hours a day. He worked hard to provide for our family so that our mother could stay home.

But what I remember about growing up is not him being gone. I know he worked long hours. I know he was often gone or sleeping while we were awake. But that's not what I remember.

I remember him reading me bed time stories when I still had Smurf sheets, I was probably 4 at the time. I remember trips to the zoo. I remember him bringing us ice skating probably every week in the winter. I remember that once he used to ice skate with us, but as I got older and brought a friend, he would just sit and read the paper while we skated. But he was there. I remember sledding with him and going the the Brooklyn Pickle after for sandwiches and hot cocoa. I remember loving to go to the grocery store with him. Vacations to Road Island, camping every summer (even though we camped close to his work so that he could go back and forth between work and camp) I just remember him being there.

Now that I'm grown, with children of my own and I find myself trying to balance 10 and 12 hour days at work, with raising kids, keeping a house, being a wife - I often wonder how he did it.

I think it's just that it was important to him. He was one of 12, and his father worked 2 jobs. I know that he has some resentment towards his father, mostly for not being there for my sister and I. My father is also very involved in my childrens lives.

I mean, I guess what it comes down to is that it was just a priority for him to spend time with us. And it's a priority now for him to spend time with my children.

2005

You can't force memories. I mean, I try to create traditions. I try to capture moments. Sometimes I wonder what my kids will remember about growing up? Will they remember the long hours I worked, the time I spent away? I know they miss me, they tell me. But maybe they'll remember coming in with Chinese food on some of my 12 hour Sundays and having dinner at work with me. Maybe they'll remember how I had a home cooked meal on their table every night, even when I wasn't there to eat it with them. They tease me about having to make everything from scratch, sometimes they are jealous that their friends get store bought candies and fruit roll ups, but hopefully someday they'll look back and be glad about that. Hopefully someday they'll do the same for their families. Maybe they'll remember camping every summer and hiking waterfalls. I hope they do.

2004

Sometimes I get discouraged and sad over my idea of what I want life to be and the reality of what it is. I hope that if I keep living intentionally, living slowly, that it will all come together. That someday none of us will look back and remember the days and the daily grind, we'll all just look back and smile over these moments.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting these last couple of weeks, thanks for coming along with me while I sort through it all.

Slow Living.

I was having a conversation recently with a co-worker about just life. And how people live. And she commented that we live in a microwave world. We want everything, and we want it 5 seconds ago. And it's so true. I've been making changes over the last decade. I've been exploring local eating, slow food, moving towards a (very basic) kind of homesteading. I made a promise to myself in the spring to begin living intentionally.

I don't want to live in a microwave world. We try not to (well, mostly I try not to and my family just follows along) but it's still easy to get caught up in that isn't it?

Most things, we (as in the royal we) can get instantly. We have credit cards, so we don't need to save our pennies for whimsical purchases. We have our central air and our on the grid housing. We have two or more car households. Fast food drive-throughs, pre-frozen meals at the supermarket. Stores upon stores upon stores of clothing and gadgets and items to be had at a moments notice and for cheap too.

Our family has made some changes. We cook most everything from scratch (though we do rely on some convenience items regularly and some others occasionally). We recently moved to a house that relies primarily on wood heat (though we do supplement with oil). We are also now on a well, which has made us very aware of our water usage and how to stagger showers and laundry and dishes, because we will (temporarily) run out. I'm working on growing more food, and what I don't grow I get much of from local farmers. Where we live now, there aren't any quick trips to the store (25 minutes one way) so we've been working on food storage and inventorying. 

I'd love to continue on this path. I've always called it "simple living" because that's what I've always heard it referred to as, that kind of returning to the earth, to the older ways of living. Moving away from the consumerism and microwave kind of world.

But, "simple" living isn't really simple at all. It's work. A lot of it. For the most part, I find it enjoyable work. I find that I like rhythm of this sort of life.

It's really like slow living isn't it? Everything comes slower. The food comes slower, the heat comes slower, you're living your life just a little slower. And as a result you notice more, don't you? You pay more attention to the seasons. You pay more attention to your consumption. And in a round about way, you pay more attention to your family. Instead of several nights a week of carting kids around and eating dinner in the car or working multiple jobs to pay the bills, you find yourself gathered around the family dinner table, lingering over your home cooked meal. You find yourself playing card games or board games with your children and enjoying every second of it. You find yourself drawing up plans with your 11 year old on how to build (from scratch!) the play set planned for your yard next year. Or searching seed catalogs with your family to decide what you're going to grow to eat next year.


You find yourself spending hours picking strawberries and dandelions to make your own wine.

Finding joy in bottling your own beer.

You find that there is an overwhelming satisfaction in making what you once thought you could only buy.

I'm actively trying to live a slower life. I'm not there yet. But I'm getting there. I don't want to live a microwave life. I don't want to grow children in a disposable world. Even when it seems overwhelming, even when I feel exhausted and cranky at the end of a hard long weekend, I know that this is right where we belong. You only get one life, and I intend on really living it, really enjoying it, really savoring it . . . slowly.

Living (on less)

Funny, how somethings never really change I guess. In July I posted about recommitting to living intentionally and frugally again after dealing with a broken car and maxed out credit card.

Following the holiday season, the same has hit us again. Another car repair (gotta love used cars. Ok, actually I do love used cars, just not the inevitable repairs) and that freaking credit card again. It sounds stupid, but I really don't know how that happens! I rarely use it, and thought that I tracked The Husbands charges well enough. I hate credit cards so, so much. I really do. They are a necessary evil though, huh? Did you know no credit is often worse than bad credit? It's so stupid. Anyway, we only have one credit card (because I hate them so) and so our debt is never unmanageable. Just annoying. And in my way.

We have plans to sit down tonight and get started on a new budget. It has been probably 3 or 4 years since we've gone over it together. I don't even really have a budget right now. I mean, I know what my bills are. I know what I make. But I don't have it all worked out to see at a glance. And I should. Otherwise money has a way of just sort of disappearing. I mean, I have a freaking accounting degree. You would think I would be on top of the household budget, right? Nope. So, time to look at that again.

It's probably a good time to re-evaluate where we are anyway. Pay off anything outstanding we can and really be aggressive on savings, since The Husband will be finishing school soon. I'd like to be completely ready to shift into those new roles and his paycheck when it happens.

I'd also like to make a household book. We can include our budget and bills in there. Household maintenance schedules. Maybe a chore list. Meal planning (I'm ashamed to admit I still haven't gotten full swing back into that yet) Pantry and freezer inventory. That sort of thing.

Because, it dawned on me recently that I take care of a lot around the house. Which is fine, really. And The Husband is not a stupid or incompetent man. But . . . what if? What if I was in a car accident today on the way home? Would he know where to pick up? Where to find the bills, who to pay them to? There should be a system, that if something were to happen to either or both of us, our household could continue running as smoothly as possible.

I haven't completely formed it all out yet, and it's something new I've been thinking of, but it makes sense.

So, in addition to all the other goals I've given myself (heh) I'd like to create a household system/plan. Um. Not sure what to call it yet. Something clever. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm thinking the book, probably a binder should include:

Financials
Household budget
Bill schedule and folder for bills
Bank information (maybe??)
Basic Information on insurance policies and retirement funds
Contact List - Kids school, doctors, work, our parents etc . . .

Maintenance and (um?) household continuing to run smoothly stuff (?!)
Basic pantry list
Basic freezer list 
Maintenance things like when wood gets delivered, when to add softener, when to use dehumidifier etc . . .
Names and contact information of wood and fuel supplier
How to run the washer and dryer and dishwasher? (is that too much?)
Basic chore list (who does what and when?)



Can you think of anything else that should be added? Should it be two books? A family household book and an emergency plan/info book?


Does anyone else have anything like this or am I becoming a complete control freak?! :)





Aside from all that, it reminds me (yet again) to continue on the path of simple (and frugal) living. I don't want to live in debt. I don't want bigger, better, more. The more one is a constant battle for me!

So, my household goals (I've set a lot this year. Luckily most are easily attainable with a little bit of effort!!) are:

Create binders

Organize and stock pantry and freezer, not only for busy nights and money saving - but for easily available food and meals if emergencies arise. More homemade convenience mixes. More ready made meals in the freezer. INVENTORY!

Get.rid.of.stuff.

Create an better organizational system, so that it's easy to find things in our home if I can't be there.


**Apparently they make these household organizers! Who knew??!

And also, there are (again, who knew!?) lots of people with the same (brilliant, ha!) idea. So now I can just borrow and utilize their ideas for organizing a household book. yay!


Like I said, I've set a whole lot of goals for this year. I'm not usually a written goal person, or much of a goal person at all. But these are all (or almost all) really easily attainable with minimal effort. I don't know what it is. If it's the almost being 30, the house, the end in sight for The Husbands school. But I finally feel like I'm ready to just stop shuffling along and be IN my life. Does that make sense?


Whew. That's a couple of really wordy posts in the last couple of days. Maybe it's the new year, but I've been doing a lot of thinking, wondering, planning lately.


How about a totally off topic and really old picture of Colin to close out the post, just cause it always makes me smile?

I'm not a good photographer.

I'm a snapshot kinda gal. Point and shoot. I'm trying to get better, but I have a hard time playing with light and shadows. I really want a niiiiiiice camera, but I think the one I have is just fine. I'm pretty sure the problem is more me than the camera.

I see camera's all the time at the thrift stores, but I don't know what I'm looking for, so I don't ever get anything. Plus they don't have manuals. Not like I read the manual I have now anyway.

So, the end of August/beginning of September was pretty rough for me. I had a LOT going on, and was really, really stressed.

Remember this box?

I mentioned it a few posts back. Yeah, it takes me a while to get around to things sometimes.

Anyway.

So September, rough time, and -

Sara, over at Handy Hooker happened to be having a give away. And I won! I was beyond happy. Man, how I needed a pick me up.

And that box was filled with goodies!!

(here's the part where me being a bad photographer comes in)

I know, it's dark and blurry. I tried a couple times to get a better picture. It's been rainy and dark here (forEVER!) and despite a million windows in our house, we never really get a ton of sunshine inside anyway. I'm working on getting better lighting in the kitchen. Kevin doesn't think there's a problem with the kitchen lights. I think he's crazy.

Anyway - the goodies! SouleMama's new book, Handmade Home, which I had wanted so much! And some Burt's Bees - a skin/facial kind of pampering thing and an outdoor survival kit. I love burts bees. AND homemade strawberry jam. Nom. AND these awesome hand/arm warmer knit(crochet?) things.

Can I just tell you how many sweatshirts and sweaters I ruined in High School by putting thumb holes in them?! I tried to get a good picture of the arm warmers, but remember how I'm not good at photography? Yeah. Sara has some pictures of purple ones on her site. They are awesome and I love them!

I haven't actually made anything from the Handmade Home book (I know, so surprised at my procrastination, right?!) but I love, love, love just looking though it. She is such an inspiration to me. So many times I complain about there just not being time to craft. Yeah? She has 4 children. That she home schools. I have 2. I just need to make it more of a priority. Not only will it bless my family, but it's soothing for me.

Remember my One Pretty Thing Challenge (that I totally failed at?)

I'm bringing it back.

I have so many things that just get moved around and pushed aside. But just because something doesn't work once, doesn't mean that it won't ever work. I just need to keep trying. Keep moving. Keep the effort going. Like with knitting :D

May the four winds blow you safely home

I've started and deleted and rewritten this post several times now. I guess I don't need to post anything at all, but I feel the need to.

Friday morning, Matt Bushen passed away due to complications from a car accident.

Matt had only just turned 28 - but he touched so many lives in that short time.

I met Matt several years ago through Kevin and spent quite a lot of time at the house of Matt and Jen the first year I met them. I was always impressed with the kindness and optimism and peaceful energy that almost literally radiated from Matt. He was truly always enjoyable to be around.

There was a benefit held in Matt's honor in Ithaca yesterday. It was originally meant to be a fundraiser for his medical bills - but with the news, turned into a show of support for Matt's family - for Jen and their two year old son Eli, and a celebration of Matt's life. It was beautiful, and I'm glad we were able to be a part of it.

And even more so, I'm glad we were blessed enough to know him.

It shouldn't take a tragedy like this to remind me how to live my life - but it certainly reinforces it.

I've quit smoking. I've been taking better care of my overall health. I've been making all the right steps. But it could all be taken it seconds, no matter how carefully I live my life.

It reminds me to tell the ones I love how much I love them. Daily. And show them. Hug them. Kiss them.

It reminds me that folding laundry or washing dishes or vacuuming floors can sometimes wait.

That we have one wild and precious life to live. To stop worrying about the what-if's. To stop fretting over the future or the past - and get out and enjoy the now.


People weren't remembering yesterday how clean Matt's house was. How much laundry he's done or hours he worked.

They remembered his joy. His love. How he helped them, how he made them feel. His kindness and laughter and generosity.

His memory will live on in all those fortunate enough to know him. His light and spirit will continue on in his young son.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Annie

Stuck Again

I'm stuck again with the thought that I have so much to write - yet really nothing at all.

I've been lazy, a little. There are a few recipes I want to share, that are worth sharing, I just haven't typed them up.

I have a few projects I want to share. Nothing fancy, nothing at all. Just little things - trying to keep the promise to myself to keep creating. Some pillows. A skirt I made, that is now becoming an apron. Bread bags. Market bags. A little lap quilt.

The days, the summer . . .just flying by. I remember being a kid when the summer seemed to stretch on forever. Long, hot, lazy days. Barefoot in the grass. Finding shapes in the clouds. Not a care in the world. I've been trying to recapture those feelings again lately. It's so easy as an adult to get "too busy". I think finding shapes in the clouds should be just as much a priority as anything else. Everyone needs a few minutes to recollect and feed their soul.


What do you do to slow down?

Some days, they aren't yours at all . . .

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as if they're someone elses days
~ Regina Spektor

Man, that's how I've been feeling.

Right now, it's hot. It's sticky. It's 83 degrees in our house at 9pm. We haven't used our AC yet this summer. I wanted to today, since it's supposed to be humid the next few days. Buuuuuut - the AC isn't working.

Swell.

I have about 2 dozen bottles of homemade wine in my basement, just sweltering right now. I hope it doesn't ruin them.

:sigh:

I've been wanting to post more. I have several things I do want to post about. A mango chicken recipe. Some simple sewing projects. A few random thoughts and ideas.

But I've just been so, so tired. I feel like I've been saying that for years. I have been saying that for years. But it's been especially bad this last week or two. Practically falling asleep at work. Napping in the afternoon, I mean needing to nap. I don't get it. I've been eating right. Going to bed at a reasonable hour. Excluding the wedding we attended last weekend I've been limiting my alcohol intake. I've been getting fresh air and exercise. And I'm just exhausted.

So I'm hot and tired. Which means cranky.

My oldest is going to visit his grandparents in NC for the next couple weeks. What an ordeal that is every year. This makes his 8th year doing this. You would think it would get smoother or easier over time, but it doesn't.

We're moving in just about 3 weeks. We haven't started packing anything yet. Not one thing. I hate packing. I think we're just going to put half of what we own in our driveway with a free sign on it. I'm so not kidding. We don't need to bring most of it (the really nice furniture already in the house is staying)

We went out to dinner tonight. It wasn't really in our budget this week, or on plan for my diet, but we needed it. Ok, maybe we didn't neeeeed it - but close enough. My sister came too, and we chatted with her over beers and the kids over too large portions of greasy deliciousness. In the air conditioned restaurant. That's right. AC, ooh yeah.

My summer schedule at work is almost done. A couple more weeks.

I hope this Thursday evening finds all of you well. I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing - you are happy, and fully alive.

And if for some reason, like me - you aren't - I hope you realize it, acknowledge it, say it out loud. And promise yourself to change it. Maybe not today, or tomorrow - but a little bit every day, you'll work towards it.

~Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Harold Whitman

Living Intentionally

I made a sort of sideways, or backwards, or whispered promise to myself several weeks ago to start living intentionally.

I'm making that promise to myself real. Now.

It seems like the older I get, the quicker the time goes by. The years are racing past. My babies are no longer babies. My twenties are almost gone.

When did I become a real live adult? And what have I done?

I had a breakdown of sorts a few weeks ago. It came up out of nowhere and startled even me. Luckily, my very best friend was there and just listened as we walked. Let me cry. Let me get it out. All sorts of things came flying, tumbling out. Things I didn't even realize I had boxed in. They all let loose, with no warning.

I'm glad though, that they did. I've been maintaining for a long time. Keeping things just under the invisible line of control. Keeping the scribbles just barely in the lines. It's hard sometimes, you know? To be everything to everybody. A mother. A daughter. A sister. A wife. A friend, an employee, the bill payer, the laundry washer, the dinner cooker, the grocery shopper, the garden planter. There are so many people that need me in so many different ways. Including me! I have piles of books I haven't read. Sewing projects I haven't finished, and yet I take on new hobbies. Why? I don't know. I can't really help myself. I like to do, I like to create.

What happens is I do things half way. Including raising my beautiful children sometimes. I can't do it all, and something, somewhere always gives. Bends. Breaks.

No more letting the days slide by and not recalling how they were, or what I did. No more letting myself get caught up in the chaos of doing things halfway. I don't want to look back in another 10 years and wonder where these years all went.
I want to really live each moment. I want to be present and aware for each wonderful moment.
I want to allow myself to really feel even the horrible moments. The sad ones, the angry ones. I don't want them to get shoved aside and built up until I have no control over them anymore.

I will do this. All the way.