making progress

I'm going on 23 weeks already. That would seem like it was going much quicker if I could sleep! The hip pain has set in already and it's making for some long nights!

In other areas I've finally started making some progress too. Very, very slowly. It's there though. Laundry is almost caught up. House is passable for clean (just don't look too close!), I'm cooking regularly again and even picked up the knitting needles for the first time since before Christmas last night. I still haven't found this new rhythm, but it's getting there. I'll probably hit it just in time to have the baby and start all over!

One thing I need to get back into is picking up my camera. Last year I was finally in the habit of carrying it and documenting the everyday moments instead of just the big ones. And now? Yeah, no. I haven't taken a picture since Disney. So for at least this week (um, starting tomorrow?) I plan on taking at least ONE picture a day. I really enjoy when I'm doing that. I seem to notice and feel grateful for so much more. It does add an element of awareness and beauty to everyday. I'm no photographer, I just have a several year old point and shoot but the point isn't perfection.

So, my picture today will still be one of progress, just not from today! Progress in growing a baby, and maybe a little progress in raising a not always happy or affectionate soon to be teen.

cemeteries

So, in my effort to get outside more (even though my job keeps me tethered to a desk 10-12 hours at a time) I've started walking on my lunch break again. I did this in the spring for a while, then just stopped. For some reason I haven't been walking in the mornings after the kids get on the bus either. I should. Fresh air is good, for the body and the soul.

Anyway, I've been walking. But instead of walking the neighborhood across from work, I've been walking the cemetery. I was always sort of afraid to walk there alone before, because even though it's bordered by a nice section of the University neighborhood and parts of the University itself it's also very near a very not nice part of the city. But, it was the middle of a sunshiney weekday, and I decided to just go and do it.

I'm so glad I did, it was so healing. The sun was shining, breeze was blowing, leaves were fluttering. I brought my mp3 player, but didn't use it. I just listened. Watched. It was awfully alive for a cemetery. There were a couple other people there; a woman walking her dog, a man jogging, a couple having a picnic. I've walked there before, but never alone, so I was really able to notice things this time.

The cemetery is 160 acres in the city. It was opened in 1859, and I'm so in awe of the monuments and graves from that time. There are some outstanding ones and some very simple ones.

The bigger monumnets leave me wondering who the people were, what they did. I think it's so incredible how much money went into these resting places.

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Then there are the smaller graves, some have headstones and some do not - or maybe they did but don't any longer. Families were buried together often, and I wonder if how you decided which family you were buried with if you were married and how far along might that go - where would the children of the children be buried? Some of the smaller ones with no headstones simply say what they were: Mother, Father, Son. No name, no date of birth, no date of death. That's who they were. Mother, Father, Son. Often the mother is listed as Wife of: (whoever) as if her name didn't matter, just who she was married to. I wonder if that was enough for them, to simply be mother or wife. There many late 1800 and early 1900 ones that have infants and often 2 or 3 people in the same family dying in the same year. It makes me wonder of their fate. Illness? Fire?

Headstones don't tell you enough.



But I love these simple, older headstones. Much more than the fancy older ones though those are intriguing too. It becomes easier to imagine that family, living in the area I live now, only so different. There would have been a farm where I work - in fact I work in a converted barn. The University was just being built.

To me, every person in a cemetery was a good person. I'm sure they weren't, but I like to imagine that they were. I wonder about the families buried there, and how similar they were to families today. Our surroundings have changed - but I like to think that it's not so different. They loved their children, kissed them goodnight. They cooked dinners and had friends and looked up at the same moon I do.

There are a lot of newer stones there too. They're lovely, and it's still a peaceful and beautiful area of the cemetery, but I don't spend much time there. Everything sort of looks the same. It's in neater rows. Shinier stones.

There's another section, that I spent some time in that is so, so sad. It's a childrens area - babies, really. Some of them have headstones, but most of them don't, just metal, rusted markers. Some of the markers are so old they're missing the names. That makes me the saddest, the nameless markers. 

I walked through a newer cemetery down the road yesterday, instead of the bigger one, and I didn't like it. Too pristine. All the headstones were the same (one of 3 colors) they all had similar engravings. One thing that was neat, was what seemed to be a lot of shared same sex plots. It's possible they are siblings, but I'd like to think that this religious cemetery is progressive enough that it wasn't. When I was finishing my walk, and thinking I wouldn't visit this cemetery again, I came upon an older man sitting in a lawn chair in front of a grave. Just sitting there. Maybe talking, maybe thinking - visiting. And suddenly I felt a little strange being there, what right did I have to be walking through these graves, these lives lived, other peoples pain?

I didn't feel like that at the other cemetery. I felt like I was supposed to be there. It was built almost as a park, and people seem to enjoy it as one. I'd like to be buried somewhere like that. Well, I'd like to be cremated, but I would be ok being buried in a cemetary like that. To me, cemeteries and headstones aren't for the people under them - they are for the people left behind, the people who need a place to grieve and to visit and sit in their lawn chairs and watch the leaves fall.

joyful girl

I am not a joyful girl.

In fact, I am quite cranky, quite a bit of the time.

Once upon a time, a former boyfriend told he he loved how I was so happy all the time. I thought that was funny, since I was 16 and felt not happy most of the time. Apparently I seemed a joyful girl.

Then came single teenage motherhood. And even through that, I was ok. I'm sure I complained - but there was no choice but to keep on keepin' on.

Somehow as I've gotten older, I've become a cranky pants complainer. I've become a pessimist. I've become a 'the sky is falling' kinda gal. I don't know exactly when it started. My early 20's I think. It started with the worrying.


My mom was always a complainer. She could be standing in a field of daisies on a beautiful spring day, and notice the only pile of dog crap out there. I always hated it. I never understood how someone could be so miserable so much of the time.

Guess what? I've become my mother. Dishes in the sink? Complain. Laundry piling up? Complain. Husband has too many gigs coming up? Complain. Weather doesn't cooperate? Complain. I think there may be a pattern there.

So how does one become an optimist? How does one stop complaining? Or better yet, stop noticing things to complain about?

I mean, I've tried. I look at my household chores as things that bless my family, and that helps - it really does. Most of the time. I looking at my very long days at work as an opportunity to get other things done like reading or knitting (I have a lot of down time on my 12 hour shifts).

I try to slow down and find something good in every day. I try take the time to notice the beauty around me. But, my goodness, sometimes it's too easy to stay wrapped up in a gray cloud.

And you know, I know all the answers too.

You can't control other peoples actions or emotions. So if someone else is upsetting me (like the kids, or The Husband, or co-workers) I can't control them, I can only control how I react towards them.

 img src

I know that 'if you don't like a situation, change it. If you can't change it, change the way you look at it'.

I know that if you look for bad things, you will find them and if you look for the good, you'll find that instead.

What I don't know is how to implement those things. I have tried, really. I've taken Dale Carnegie classes at work. One of my lessons was to pick a statement from the book and implement it in my life. I chose 'Don't criticize, condemn or complain'. This was probably 6 years ago, and I knew I was complaining too much then. The idea was, if you just stopped doing those things, what you wanted would eventually come about. At the time, a huge issue was dishes. There is nothing that gets under my skin more than coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes. But after months of arguing, clearly nothing was changing. So I stopped complaining. And I just came home and did them, as calmly as I could. With out saying a word.

You know what happened? I got angrier. Because nothing changed. I'm not saying nagging is the way to go, but not mentioning what's wrong doesn't fix anything either. The dishes are rarely a problem now, but I don't remember how we solved that one. . .

So there has to be a balance right? A way to not get walked all over, but not whine and complain and nag, right?

How do you bring joy back into your life? How do you stay happy?

 image: Susan Branch

I have a few ideas, ways to begin. I guess it's a daily commitment to live that way. At least fake it till it works.

I know I need to get back into keeping a gratitude journal, it helps.

I need to get outside more. I went walking on lunch yesterday, in the cemetery by work and it really was healing. I need more nature, and I need more exercise. I work a desk job for 10-12 hours a day and it definitely drags down my spirit.

I need to take more me time. I don't know how. Even my hobbies are for my family. But maybe that's ok. I enjoy sewing, I've been wanting to make a quilt for the kids for a while, but "never have the time". I need to make that time, even if the end result is for someone else, the process is for me. I need to take the time to nap, without feeling like I've wasted time. Or soak in a tub without worrying about what else I should be doing.

I need to be more flexible and spontaneous. Sometimes things don't work out just the way I wanted. That needs to be ok. That's life.

I need to make changes. I need to find joy in what I do. I need to go back to school, I need a new job. I've known this for a while, but have been reluctant to make the change. I'm not the kind of person who would go hand in their 2 weeks notice right now, just because I'm not happy, but it's time to take steps in that direction.


How do you keep joy in your life? Are good thoughts automatic for you? Are you a complainer? How do you decide when to draw the line, when it's ok to complain ?

image found here

well, I know what kind of blog this isn't

I still haven't figured out what sort of blog this is. Other than a rambling sometimes cohesive outpouring of my thoughts with the occasional food or craft thrown in.

But I think it's pretty clear by now that this just isn't a daily blog. I'd like it to be. But, well, sometimes I'm just really, really busy. Playing frontierville on facebook.

No, really though - I just haven't been able to get the motivation. First, I really was busy - with the van that apparently isn't ours (there might be more to come on that - let's see how motivated I am this week!) and canning a TON of peppers. Ok, like maybe 20 or 30 lbs? But it seemed like a ton! Oh, and apples, still. Disappointment in my job and perceived opportunities. A lot of reflection on my life and my future. And then there's my cat, the killer. And a friends birthday. And then I was sick, like thought I had some sort of horrible deadly flu sick, but turns out it only lasted a day and I'm actually fine.

It's easy to get out of the swing of things, isn't it? I don't know how in the world daily bloggers do it. I mean, my life just isn't that interesting all the time either. Today, for example: woke up, very slowly. Squabbled with The Husband. Drank coffee. Cleaned. Got the stuffed peppers ready and in the fridge for The Husband to cook tonight. Showered. Left a note for the kids. Came to work. Worked. Still working. When I'm done working I'll go home and plop on the couch and watch the biggest loser (and probably eat something sinful while I do it - I can't help it!) and then I'll go to bed.

See how exciting my life is sometimes?! But you know, that's part of why I started blogging - it made me stop and notice the small things, the good things that often get lost in the every day shuffle. I know I whine here fairly often. But that's life too and whining isn't always bad (unless it's my kids, then it's always bad) because sometimes the whining helps you see things in a new light too, you know?

Anyway, I should be here more. I will be here more. Because what I really, really, really need right now is to start noticing and appreciating everyday moments again.

But first I have some harvesting to do!

Nothing.

That's all I've been doing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. And it's awesome.


Ok. I'm still working. And cooking (sort of). But I'm taking it very slow for a few days. We've had a crazy(ier than normal!) few weeks!

Evan is completely better. We did get his test results from the state lab on his spinal labs. Apparently, his meningitis was caused by a strain similar to the chicken pox. Same family, or something. Seriously. I got the phone call while at a rehearsal dinner, so I got as much information as I could while ducked out into the hallway. I'll be following up with his doctor cause, well, it sort of blows my mind.

This past weekend, the whole family was in the wedding of some very dear friends. The rehearsal dinner was at Dinosaur BBQ, ceremony at Clarks and the reception at the zoo (hence the lion above!)  The weather, which has been cold and rainy for 2 weeks, cleared up beautifully. The wedding was gorgeous and everything went off without a hitch. Except of course, when I spilled my drink on the photographers laptop. Yes, I really did. They were incredibly gracious, and I was incredibly mortified.

 soon after the laptop incident.

I should have seen it coming, since earlier that week I spilled a full cup of coffee all over the couch and myself and then days later kicked an entire cup of tea across my living room carpet. I do have a hard time holding on to drinks. I'm notorious for breaking glasses and throwing cups of coffee about. I don't know how! One second they are in my hand, the next second they are literally flying about the room. I broke a glass all over the dance floor at another friends wedding two years ago. But this was by far the worst drink incident I've ever had (and hopefully it stays that way!)

Ellie Blum Photography

Evan's birthday was Sunday. We had a very quiet day - cooked up a big breakfast with some friends who had spent the night (they were also at/in the wedding the day before) then kind of lounged about for the day. I made just spaghetti (per Evans request) salad and bread sticks for dinner. Everyone LOVED the sauce. It was the basic pasta sauce, mixed with crushed tomatoes, sauteed peppers and onions, some seasonings, meatballs and sausage. It was basic (I thought) but our parents really liked it. Because we're at the end of birthday season, Evan didn't want cake. So I made these brownies. Oh, nom. Make them. I made them using half sucanat and half sugar and half white/half whole wheat flour.


Also, I'm sick of tomatoes and really glad I don't have any more to can. Till next year anyway. Apples next!


All the pictures are from the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Cause, well, that's all I had the motivation to upload since Sunday!

Kind of loving doing nothing, for at least one more day!

hot, hot, hot!

I really hate to complain about the heat. We really usually don't get nearly enough of it here. And I spend many winter days daydreaming about the summer heat. But, this is getting hard to handle! It's hot. It's sticky. It's exhausting. I haven't spent nearly enough time having fun with summer recipes. I've spent a lot of time eating sandwiches and ice cream for dinner and too much money finding relief in air conditioned restaurants for dinner. I know these days will be over way too soon, and so I'm trying to enjoy them the best I can.

This summer seems to be flying by. It doesn't help that my summer ends a little sooner than everyone elses with the return to my academic year job and overtime for opening. I have about 4 weeks left of summer and they are jam packed. It sort of feels like every year the summer goes by just a little bit faster. I try to take it all and have equal amounts of busy summer fun and lazy summer fun but I swear the older I get the less hours there are in a day!

And, since I'm whining anyway, I sort of love my summer hours. I want to love my summer hours. Especially since I always complain about my academic year hours but my goodness it now feels like I have two full time jobs! I love having dinner (or ice cream -ha!) with the family every night but when I get home at 9:30pm like I do during the school year I can come in and unwind for a bit and go to bed, all my chores get done in the AM. Now, I'm at work early and home at 3:30 and I get home and it's like the day just started. There's cooking and cleaning and lacrosse games and practice and on and on . . . wah, wah, wah.

Once upon a time I was an optimist. I don't know how the heck I became such a complainer. I'd say it was the heat, but I'm pretty sure it's just me. You know, I should probably start up my gratitude Fridays again, it's been a while since I've done that and it does help me sort of put things in perspective.

I haven't taken any pictures lately. I've totally neglected my 365 blog since April, and you know, that helped too with slowing down, paying attention to the small things. I think it's time to get back into that habit too. It's too easy to get out of sorts and overwhelmed by everyday life sometimes.

In other news, I'm getting a pressure canner and I'm super psyched about it! I was going to splurge on one as an early birthday present for myself, but my mother in law offered to buy me one as an early birthday present. Yay! Really, it's fantastic cause I've got all sorts of beans growing and I think it will be a lot of fun to try canning chili's and things. Have any of you ever used a pressure canner? Have any go-to recipes?

Alright. This is my last whiny post for a while. Next week - more pictures, less whining, more gratitude!

Monday, Monday . . .

So. Yesterday was Valentines Day. It was also Sunday, which means I was working 12 hours. My husband brought me in dinner though - my favorite (broiled scallops, steamed broccoli and Caesar salad) from my favorite restaurant. It was really, really thoughtful and nice. I was heating up water for ramen noodles (I'm having a secret love affair with them) when he showed up.

I don't think I'm a very good blogger though, because a good blogger would have taken pictures.

I worked 12 hours again today. I'm been blah lately. I don't know if it's the sick, or the work or the weather. I have Wednesday off for a four day weekend and I'm determined to get some oomph back. My blogs (and my life!) have been seriously lacking lately!

Tomorrow is the 8 year anniversary of our first date. I'm working. Surprise. I think Wednesday we're going to go out to dinner, with the kids, to celebrate. Saturday we're heading to Utica for a Further show for a Valentines/Anniversary night out.

I'm getting ready to head into some major decluttering at home. I'm so ready. Ready to shake off the winter - stretch out a little bit from the tight/clutter/cozy-ness of the last few months. I even got rid of like 40 books at the used book store. Of course I ordered the couple off amazon last week - got 5 more at the book store that I brought the 40 to, and bought another 2 today. But hey - that's still less than I got rid of!!

We're planning the garden. We're going to have to do raised beds because of the hill - so it will be a little bit of a cost. We also had more car repairs so funds are low. We might only start with two beds this year and do the rest in pots then add more beds next year. We have the rest of our lives to build this garden. It will come, in time.

The kids are on vacation this week too. I'm looking forward to some time with them. We're going to attempt skiing (again) now that we're finally supposed to be getting snow.


Oh! I'm also attempting for the first time this week - cheese making! I'm so excited! I've been wanting to learn for a couple of years now.

So, that's it. I'll post back soon with way more interesting stuff. Till then hope everyone is finding their peace with mid-winter too!

Letting the days go by . . .

Seems like one or some or all of us at a time have been sick since the holidays. We can't shake it. We're normally not sick people. We don't get flu shots because we never get the flu (though we probably wouldn't get them anyway). We get occasional colds and that's it.

I haven't been doing much but sleeping and working for well near a week now. The kids get on the bus and I pass back out until about 10, then get up and get ready for work. I just can't get enough sleep.

I took my youngest to the doctor Friday for what I suspected was some sort of bladder infection. Nope. Ear infection, bronchitis/pneumonia. I'll tell ya, I felt like mother of the year being oblivious to all that.

His first sick child visit in his life was when he was three. I think this was his second sick child visit. My oldest hasn't been in for a sick child visit for about 5 years.

I thought I was doing something right, but now I wonder. Colin (my youngest) did complain of an ear ache about 3 weeks ago. But it was just for one night, with no fever. We gave him some pain relief, ear drops and a warm cloth and that was it.
The doctor did say that the ear infection was almost healed, on it's own. Which is good, I guess - but it worries me I didn't know. My father had an ear infection last March that went untreated and now he's totally deaf in that ear. He's 56. They say the kind of deafness it is, a hearing aid won't help (?) I would be devastated if that happened to one of my children because I didn't take them to a doctor.

The bronchitis I didn't know about either. He's had a bit of a cough the past week, but nothing severe and he's been croupy/coughy in Feb and March every year for the past few years.

The doctor didn't seem concerned, but I felt horrible. Colin felt ok though - he never once complained.

Unlike me and my sore throat/cold. I whine about it all the time. It freaking hurts man!

I've been reading a lot again lately though. It's nice. I work evenings and my job is to answer phones. But I'm glued to a seat 10-12 hours a day and that's no good for my (ever expanding) rear. So I've been pacing the halls and reading. I finished Eat, Pray, Love this week. I really liked it. I needed a book like that. It was refreshing, inspiring.

I almost never buy new books. I just like used books better. Not just for the price, but for the feel of them too. They've got something about them a new book just doesn't have. I just placed an order on Amazon for several new books though (and I have a couple saved for later to remind myself that I want them! I'll try and find them used on my journeys or order later in the summer).

Coming soon, to my house (yay!):

 

  

  

  

  

ok, that last one is the movie not a book, but I'm still excited!

Now if only some of that East Coast storm would hit meeeee so I would have an excuse to snuggle inside and read!

I have so much to say

but every time I try, nothing comes out. I've been sleeping a lot. I think I might be getting sick. I could fill up pages with random ramblings that are bouncing around my head right now, but I'll spare everyone that nonsense. I'll be back in a few days when my head isn't so cloudy. In the meantime, you can catch glimpses of the dailies over at 365.


PS: Happy February!

Friday Ramblings

I had posted this quote that I really loved last night :The Paradox of our Age: by Bob Moorehead. It's really wonderful and inspirational. Then someone pointed out that he was a pastor who had 17 members of his church allege that he sexually assaulted them. Well, now. That kind of ruins that happy little quote for me.

: /

So I deleted it.

I mean, the words are the same but it seems wrong now to appreciate them. Does that make sense? I wonder how often I do that without realizing it. Disregarding someones words because of how I feel about them?

It was cold when I woke up this morning. It's often cold in the mornings because the wood stove simmers out overnight and the radiator is set to come on at 56. But it felt unusually cold. Coming downstairs we could see that's because sometime overnight the strong winds flew open the back door, wide open. So our radiator located not far from the back door was running as hard as it could, but it was still 42 in the house. So glad I've been keeping the radiator off during the day and set low at night to save fuel. Just for it all to be run in the 4-8 hours the door was probably open. I have it running now just to get the house back up to temp, then I'm going to have to be even more conservative with it.

We used to get free heat in some of our apartments, and we always kept it set to 68-70, which I thought was comfortable. Now our house often hovers around 62-66. It never feels that cold though. Maybe we've gotten used to it? Maybe it's the difference in wood vs forced heat? Sometimes I think my friends are cold when they come over. I try to keep  it at a comfortable temperature for guests, but I get hot and uncomfortable at 68-70 now.

I love this house so much. I mean, there are some changes. I'm going to paint and change around the mudroom a little. We have plans to build a playset and a deck and down the road a garage. I wish our basement was usable space, but it's cool in it's own way. Sometimes I look around and can't believe I actually live here. Can't believe how blessed we are. And the person renting/selling us the house thinks we're a blessing to him. He loved this house so much too. I'm just so, so glad my kids finally have a permanent place to call home.

The kids have a half day today. I kind of wish they had a full day. I kind of feel guilty for thinking that. I just need a day. I need a day to putter around and clean up. Do some sewing. Maybe finally take a bath in my huge awesome bathtub that I've never used.

The Husband is at school today too. His last semester  - finally! It's been a looong time coming. He has student teaching after this so it's another year before he'll get a job. And he still has to get his masters, but he has 5 years to do that and can teach in the meantime. I'm so ready to move on to this next phase of our life.

I feel like I'm getting old. I'm not, I know. But I'll be 30 this year. I know it's just a number, but it's weighing on my mind. I did a lot in my twenties. Finished college, raised children , got a real (kind of) job, got married, got a house (kind of) but I still feel like those years just flew by and there was so much more I should have done.

I think we finally have enough snow to go skiing. Yay!

Enjoy your weekends and don't forget to visit me at 365

Warren! Where do you get all this hostility from?

I have another post in que, that I was writing earlier. A nice post. A peaceful post. But I'm not really feeling nice or peaceful. I'm feeling tired. My heart is heavy.

I participate in several online communities and forums. I work long hours, and it's often slow. It helps pass the time and I've made some really wonderful online friends. I enjoy debating. I love passionate topics. I do get exhilarated over a passionate debate.

But lately, it's been wearing me down. Haiti has been a huge topic. I can understand not being able to donate, not everyone can. But I was hearing responses like "I don't care, it's not my problem". And that was common response. People don't care. They blame Haitians for "spending 200 years doing voodoo instead of building stable structures". I get angry, I get sad. I can not comprehend such a dismissive attitude towards human pain and suffering.

But it's not just Haiti, it's the less fortunate in general. People on food stamps and welfare are "lazy", they are "thieves", they are "scum".

I've been in these online communities for almost 6 years now. I've had the same debates over and over. And I'm starting to wonder why.

It never changes, no one ever changes their mind. And it just creates ugliness and hate and hurt. It's so negative, and it makes me feel negative. Sometimes I get angry, sometimes I get sad, but mostly I just start feeling helpless.

When did we stop caring about our neighbors? Were we always so unconcerned about the plight of those less fortunate than us? When did we stop building front porches and start putting up fences?

I think to a certain point, it's human to judge other people. We all do it. I do it, though I try not to. But where does it stop?

I've been considering leaving most of my online groups. They used to be a source of fun and inspiration and some good natured debating. Now it just seems like it's sucking up my time and energy. It's become mean and spiteful and I'm in the middle of it.

I've been leaning more and more towards blogs in the last few weeks. I know it's only snippets of life, but the ones I've been coming across are still peaceful and soothing even if they aren't always upbeat and perfect. They aren't cruel just to be cruel. It reminds me that there are like minded people out there. That we can share thoughts and inspire each other and be nice.

Edit: I was thinking about deleting this post this morning. It was written last night quickly, without proof reading and when I was very tired. But I think I'm going to keep it. It is what it is. I have seen some wonderful, wonderful things in online communities. I've seen women banding together to send gifts, money, support to other members who have lost children, have cancer, given birth. I've seen amazing moments of love and support. It's not all bad. It just seems in some of these groups, there's more negativity than not. And I really think I need to start separating myself from it. I found myself being pretty harsh on someone the other night (the one actually who made the comment about Haiti not being her problem). I was condescending, sarcastic and rude. And I don't know why. That's not me. I am not by nature a mean person. But I've found after several years in some of these groups I have become a little bitter and quick to drop a sarcastic half insult. Because that's normal behavior for these groups. And I am not that person. I don't know. I've thought about taking a break from some of these communities for a while and I think maybe it's time. So, I'm going to leave this post. If nothing more as a reminder to myself.

Motivation

I have none.

I stayed home sick from work yesterday. I don't know about other people, but I get restless. I couldn't relax. I kept feeling like I should be cleaning or sewing or cooking or something. I don't know where that comes from. I used to be able to chill out in the middle of anything. Now, I get fidgety. I got a couple loads of laundry done and a shower and that was about it. Every time I stood up I just felt nauseous. The Husband even made dinner last night.

I had today off since I'm back on my regular schedule. I'm feeling a little bit better, but just couldn't get motivated. There are a couple things I really wanted to sew, but just wasn't feelin' it. So I just did another load of laundry, put away clothes, cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floors. Kevin just laughed when I told him I wasn't motivated to get anything done after I finished mopping the floors. He apparently thought that was enough, but it was only 10. What a waste of a day. He helped me clean the kids play room. I still feel like I should have made a grocery list for next week or maybe worked on the household binder. I was just blah. Blah, blah, blah.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better, I hate feeling like I didn't get anything accomplished.

Is anyone else like that? My husband isn't. I know he has zero issues wasting the day away doing nothing. I think I would mind it less if my doing nothing was productive. I know, that sounds silly. But I spent most of the day watching TV, playing Dr. Mario, drinking tea and eating soup. I mean, I could have wasted the day and still made a few phone calls that I needed to make, or started my taxes or something. TV makes my mind feel mushy.

I used to love doing that. Lying around, being a bum. Maybe finishing a book in a day. It was pure bliss to spend a long, lazy day doing nothing. Maybe sometime I should try sitting back and enjoying it again, huh?

oh the weather outside is frightful . . .

Not really. Not here. Central New York is pretty famous for our snow storms, but as the rest of the country gets pounded, we get . . . nothing. nada. Maybe some snow (mixed with rain) coming our way on Christmas.

But, because of everywhere else in the country getting the snow I want, flights everywhere are canceled and delayed and non-existent. What's also non-existent are taxi's and hotel rooms in NYC, which is where my brother in law and his family just landed. So, The Husband and his sister have just left to go get them. They should be home in about 12 hours.

My sewing machine decided it hates me and wants to keep breaking thread and skipping stitches. Now, I admit I've neglected her and have never brought her in for a proper servicing, but she has been lovingly (and this week not so lovingly) cleaned and maintained by me. This week she has also had the needle changed several times, two different types of needles, several thread changes, several types of threads, 2 cleanings, one oiling, a lot of cursing and grumbling and threats to throw her out the window. She is now in my basement being ignored since I borrowed my mothers new machine yesterday.

So now I have, um, 5 days (while company is in town) to finish several napkins, a table runner, a dollhouse, a pair of pajama pants, 2 robes and felt food. I have a very good feeling that we'll end up with some store bought wooden food and no robes till new years.

I also somehow managed to get a very nasty virus on our family computer last week, that is going to result in us wiping our hard drive and reinstalling windows. Luckily we have our important documents on an external hard drive, but because of that getting online has been difficult, and will be difficult so my posts will be few and far between, I'll share some snapshots when I can.

Hope your week is calm, and wonderful and joyful!

TIme, how it flies

8 more days until the big move


yay!



Coming soon - recipes for sour cherry vodka and blueberry jam!

Stuck Again

I'm stuck again with the thought that I have so much to write - yet really nothing at all.

I've been lazy, a little. There are a few recipes I want to share, that are worth sharing, I just haven't typed them up.

I have a few projects I want to share. Nothing fancy, nothing at all. Just little things - trying to keep the promise to myself to keep creating. Some pillows. A skirt I made, that is now becoming an apron. Bread bags. Market bags. A little lap quilt.

The days, the summer . . .just flying by. I remember being a kid when the summer seemed to stretch on forever. Long, hot, lazy days. Barefoot in the grass. Finding shapes in the clouds. Not a care in the world. I've been trying to recapture those feelings again lately. It's so easy as an adult to get "too busy". I think finding shapes in the clouds should be just as much a priority as anything else. Everyone needs a few minutes to recollect and feed their soul.


What do you do to slow down?

Some days, they aren't yours at all . . .

Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go as if they're someone elses days
~ Regina Spektor

Man, that's how I've been feeling.

Right now, it's hot. It's sticky. It's 83 degrees in our house at 9pm. We haven't used our AC yet this summer. I wanted to today, since it's supposed to be humid the next few days. Buuuuuut - the AC isn't working.

Swell.

I have about 2 dozen bottles of homemade wine in my basement, just sweltering right now. I hope it doesn't ruin them.

:sigh:

I've been wanting to post more. I have several things I do want to post about. A mango chicken recipe. Some simple sewing projects. A few random thoughts and ideas.

But I've just been so, so tired. I feel like I've been saying that for years. I have been saying that for years. But it's been especially bad this last week or two. Practically falling asleep at work. Napping in the afternoon, I mean needing to nap. I don't get it. I've been eating right. Going to bed at a reasonable hour. Excluding the wedding we attended last weekend I've been limiting my alcohol intake. I've been getting fresh air and exercise. And I'm just exhausted.

So I'm hot and tired. Which means cranky.

My oldest is going to visit his grandparents in NC for the next couple weeks. What an ordeal that is every year. This makes his 8th year doing this. You would think it would get smoother or easier over time, but it doesn't.

We're moving in just about 3 weeks. We haven't started packing anything yet. Not one thing. I hate packing. I think we're just going to put half of what we own in our driveway with a free sign on it. I'm so not kidding. We don't need to bring most of it (the really nice furniture already in the house is staying)

We went out to dinner tonight. It wasn't really in our budget this week, or on plan for my diet, but we needed it. Ok, maybe we didn't neeeeed it - but close enough. My sister came too, and we chatted with her over beers and the kids over too large portions of greasy deliciousness. In the air conditioned restaurant. That's right. AC, ooh yeah.

My summer schedule at work is almost done. A couple more weeks.

I hope this Thursday evening finds all of you well. I hope wherever you are and whatever you are doing - you are happy, and fully alive.

And if for some reason, like me - you aren't - I hope you realize it, acknowledge it, say it out loud. And promise yourself to change it. Maybe not today, or tomorrow - but a little bit every day, you'll work towards it.

~Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~Harold Whitman

Weekend Review

We spent the weekend:


Exploring

In the woods at Grandma and Grandpa's

Cooking

Cooking daddy breakfast

Evan cooking corn on fathers day

mmmm Grilled Ribs!

Growing, picking, eating

Lettuce, started from seed, fresh from the garden - ready for eating!

Fathers Day Potluck

Playing

Sister, Holly

After breaking two ladder ball sets last year -
Kev built his own.
It's holding up well so far!!

The last soccer game till fall.
Rainy and cold!

Laughing




Happy Fathers Day!!





How did you spend your weekend?

Smoking.

I started smoking when I was about 15 or so. I don't even really know why I started. It wasn't peer pressure. None of my friends cared if I smoked or didn't. My mother did smoke, which made cigarettes accessible. I don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter, the when or why. Only that I did somehow start.

And I knew that they weren't good for me. I knew more than that - I knew they were bad for me. I couldn't plead ignorance. My generation was very well informed of all smoking risks.

I've quit here and there. During each of my pregnancies. A week here, several months there. Currently I'm running on 7 months. That's how far I made it last time before I started again. This time, we thought we would cheat those cravings - those temptations, and smoke cigars or cloves socially. But we've been finding ourselves more and more dependent on those. I've heard they're worse too. They probably are. It's not so much the physical addiction, it's the damn habit.

Sometimes I still miss it. The smell, the inhale, the feel of the cigarette in my fingers. It's seductive, that's for sure.

But mostly, I don't. I've been running again - for the first time since about the time I started smoking to begin with. It's not easy (post on that to come later) but it feels good. I don't miss smelling like smoke (I like the smell of smoking, but not the stale smell on people and things).

And more than that, I'm scared. K's grandmother died about 2 years ago from pneumonia and emphysema. She quit 30 years prior to that. 30 years. And it still killed her.

In NY we have anti-smoking commercials - and for me they are actually effective (or at least they make me think), one in particular stands out. Home videos of a woman in her early 30's. Her two very young children. She has lung cancer. Is hooked up to machines. She died. Of lung cancer. I don't think she was even 35. That scares me, it does.

I have young kids. I want more. I don't want to die from something I could have prevented. Something that I brought upon myself. Something that I chose.

Even more recently, my choice to quit has been reaffirmed. With the nice weather and barbecues and friends smoking (and lets not forget the weight gain!), my resolve has been wavering.

But on June 4th, a woman I know online, passed away from lung cancer. She was 39 and left behind two children. A daughter in her early 20's and a 12 year old daughter.

It's amazing how you get to know people online. Know their lives. How someone you only know through the Internet can make such an impact in your life.

I was not very close to Deborah Scott. We were in several forums together. But I wasn't nearly as close to her as a couple of people in the same forums were.

Her story still touched me though, and affected my life. When I quit the last time, this past November - her story did help me through. This was a woman that I talked with, saw glimpses of her life. Heard about her treatments, when the cancer spread. And she was so young. It's not just something I would have to worry about when I was 50, or 60, or 70. She was only in her mid-30's and dealing with it. I'm not that far from 30. This could be me.

She was almost always upbeat, at least in her posts. I remember before I quit, her telling me about her story on whyquit.com (read it here). I had forgotten about the site until today, when someone in one of the forums mentioned it. So I read it again, and I read all the stuff I had missed. It's touching, and it's scary, and it's real. If you read it, and read to the end - you'll see that she left behind a lot of medical bills and lost her life insurance. I find that horrible too - that she was fighting for medical insurance, losing her life insurance - instead of being able to focus on just getting treated.

One thing I always noticed about her - was how hard she fought. I’ve always wondered, if I ever got cancer, would I fight so hard? Would I do all those treatments and the ins and outs of hospitals? Or would I just let it take it’s course (if I knew it would eventually be terminal)? I don’t know.

But Deb fought every step of the way. She really wanted to live.


I don't know if I ever told her, that her story did make a difference. To me, at least.


Goodbye Deb.

Randoms

It seems like it's been so busy here lately, and there's so much to say - but then I try and it seems there's nothing at all.

So.


Just some recent randoms.

K's Birthday celebration at Megs




Pig in a Pen





Soccer - more posing than playing, eh?

Bottling K's 3rd batch of homebrew. Pale Ale.




:sigh:

Future

One down, a lifetime to go

K and I met when I was 14. We had mutual friends, so our paths often crossed.

7 years later our paths crossed at the right time and the right place.


We've been together ever since. This life together has not always been easy. It has not always been pretty, especially to people on the outside looking in. But even in the worst of times, it has always been right. There is no one in the world I would rather be with, and no place else I'd rather be every night.

We went into this relationship already knowing so much about each other, that there were no walls, no coy games, no courting. Just us. From the first moment it just seemed natural and right. And there were so many people - so many friends - who never expected it to work. But it did, and it has. We balance each other.

We've been together for almost 8 years now. We've been married for a full year, today. It hardly seems that one whole year has gone by.

I was never one who dreamed about my wedding day my whole life. For a long time, I had no desire to be married. I mean, what was marriage - besides a piece of paper? We didn't need that, to prove our commitment to each other. But somehow, somewhere, that changed.

I loved everything about our wedding. It couldn't have been more perfect. It was really a beautiful, personal, blissful day.

There were so many people that helped us. They offered their time, their assistance, their expertise.

My boss paid for all the flowers, arranged all the flowers - including the bouquets and did all of the decorating for me.

I didn't have to worry about a thing. We did provide the linens and several of the decorations. But she put it all together. I didn't see it all until about 2 hours before the ceremony and it took my breath away. It all came together so beautifully. It was so much more than perfect.







Originally, I had planned on making my own wedding dress, but was talked out of it by several people. What they said made sense. I procrastinate. I'd be working on it the night before. There were going to be a lot of things to do, since most of our wedding was DIY. I didn't need the stress. it was all so, so true.

So for several months, I researched independant seamstresses who made dresses in the style I wanted. I spent soooo much time doing this. I wanted the perfect dress, I had it pictured in my head and though I tried on several ready made dresses, I knew that what I wanted didn't yet exist.

So I finally found and settled on a woman who's work I admired and ordered my dress. I spoke with her on the phone several times - exchanged e-mails. I paid the deposit several months before the wedding date, and paid the remaining amount when the dress was shipped.

I was so excited the day it arrived. I called several of my bridesmaids over. Tried it on.

It was horrible. Awful. It didn't come close to fitting. It wasn't professionally done at all. I won't go on and on about how awful it was, but it was a nightmare. Did I mention that the dress didn't arrive until 3 weeks before the wedding?

It's another long story, maybe for another day - but in the end I fought with the woman for almost 2 weeks to get my money back - and started making a dress from scratch - 2 weeks before the wedding. Luckily, I had an amazing friend willing to help me. The end result was lovely. And I was happy.


I really could go on and on about all the wonderful things people did for us. The constant support from certain people. My wedding hair. Our honeymoon.



Our reverend we found at the last minute - almost, about 6 weeks before. And she was amazing. I mean, just amazing. I adored her. If you're getting married in the CNY area, look up Pamela Anderegg. She's a Unitarian Reverand in Auburn and simply wonderful.

The Vows

Welcome to the wedding of Crystal and Kevin. I am the Reverend Pamela Anderegg. Let's take a moment and appreciate our beautiful surroundings!

Kevin and Crystal have asked you to be here this afternoon to witness this celebration because each of you has given something of yourselves to their lives.

This wedding is a time for sharing with friends and family the joyfulness of the next step in Kevin and Crystals relationship. They have invited us here today to share in this celebration which marks the beginning of their marriage. We come together not to mark the beginning of a relationship, only to celebrate the commitment to a connection that already exists. They have promised themselves to each other in their hearts and in their actions. Today they pledge to keep that promise. This is the greatest choice two people can make in their lives.

It is one of life's richest surprises when the accidental meeting of two paths leads them to proceed together along the common path of husband and wife and it is one of life's finests experiences when a casual relationship grows into a permanent bond of love.

Apache Wedding Blessing

Now you will feel no rain,
for each of you will be shelter for the other.
Now you will feel no cold,
for each of you will be warmth to the other.
Now there is no more loneliness for you,
for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two bodies,
but there is only one life before you.
The hand which you each offer the other,
is an extension of yourselves;
Just as is the warmth & love which you express to each other.
Cherish the touch,
for you are touching another life.
Be sensitive to it's pulse,
& try to understand & respect it's flow & rhythm,
Just as you would your own.
Go now to your dwelling place,
to enter into the days of your togetherness.
And may your days be good & long upon this earth

May I have the rings please?

The ring is an outward symbol of the love and commitment Crystal and Kevin have for each other.

It signifies the full circle bond that they share as partners. A circle is the symbol of the sun
and the moon and the earth and the universe, of wholeness, perfection and peace.

And in these rings there is a symbol of unity in which your two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle of endless love. Bless these rings and their purpose, let those who wear them live forever with the happiness that these rings represent.


Vows

You come gladly to this moment. You have already shared much of your lives and you know from experience that you get along well together. You have lived together and it has not been enough.
Today, you chose to make a deeper commitment to yourselves and to your children. It is your way of telling each other that your experience together has been so good, that you want it to continue for the rest of your lives.


Will you, Kevin, take Crystal to be your wife through good times and bad? To grow old and to change with her?
To do all that you can to keep your marriage strong and happy and alive with possibilities?
Kevin, will you open your heart to her and cherish her love for you; will you return that love with caring and understanding? Will you promise to build a home that is compassionate to all, full of respect and honor for others and for each other?

I will.

Will you, Crystal, take Kevin to be your husband through good times and bad? To grow old and to change with him?
To do all that you can to keep your marriage strong and happy and alive with possibilities?
Crystal, will you open your heart to him and cherish his love for you; will you return that love with caring and
understanding? Will you promise to build a home that is compassionate to all, full of respect and honor for
others and for each other?

I will.


We pray for concord and creativity as well as for love and laughter in your life together; and when there is pain, may there be peace that not passes away. We pray for joy that you will share with other people, and for your home, may it be a temple for that which is beautiful and and good and true. As you share the richer experiences in life, so may your hearts and minds and
souls be knit evermore closely together. And yet may your bonds of sympathy strengthen your separate personalities. We pray for courage for you when the road is rough and for humility for you when fortune favors you. May you carry the past gratefully with you in all the
years of your sojourn, and with an equal measure of hope ever face the future unafraid.

It is with great joy that I now pronounce that you are husband and wife.

Would you care to seal your vows with a kiss?

(Kevin: Absolutely!)





Go now, hand in hand, along the path that you choose to walk together. Maintain a closeness to nature, a degree of simplicity, an awareness of beauty, and a love for each other which will always permit you to look into each others eyes and say that you would do it again. Kevin and Crystal have come to me to be married, I return them to you so that you will bless them with your friendship,guidance, support, encouragement and love, which will forever be appreciated and will continue to be an important part of their lives.